7/17/14
Just finished Satsang with Gurudev &
found myself listening to my question read out loud. Quite embarrassing...the question was around pleasure
seeking in the spiritual world. He answered with an interesting thought.
He said to not to always think "what about me / what about me,
what about me...he also I think alluded to the need for being selfless & of
service to others - hence not always thinking about your own life."
I sense the answer lies in being more selfless & simply of service to
others...like today when I thought about Shakti Kriya, I didn't volunteer to
simply help...
I do wonder if school is a selfish
pursuit...but it's not for money, but rather to gain knowledge & then serve
Gurudev in any capacity he wants.
I am confused on being selfless
when in complete surrender...
I wonder if Gurudev's answer has
something to do with my...."it's the MY that's the issue." How
do you change that to we / us / ours.
Love & JGD
7/6/14:
I am with Gurudev at the Boone Ashram.
I was having an amazing day, but felt bad after my dinner conversation
with R Ji. Bless his heart, I don't think he meant to be negative,
but that is how I perceived it. He said that I have to do something
specific - be a man of importance at the Ashram...alluding to potentially making a
mistake. I got frustrated with the thought of doing the wrong role /
getting into something I don't like, but SO WHAT. I am there for Gurudev
& to be of service whether it's cleaning / leading a team. I am
honestly not a big fan of team leadership...I need to find my own creative path
and figure out how to be close to Gurudev / simply surrender.
Gurudev, I completely surrender to you.
Next time someone asks me what I am doing after I graduate, I'll simply
say "let's see....I don't really have any ambitions in the spiritual
realm...just to be of service & be physically close to the master.
6/22/14:
Why is it that the mind clings to something
not desired in the conscious? Why does a vasana that's found in the
outside environment affect the mind? Why is it that we cannot live with
purity & innocence? I assume this is all karma, but am baffled by
what the mind chooses to cling to even though it has no interest in what the
clinged is. The mind is a strange vessel beyond comprehension.
I wonder why simple silence of the
senses is not a happening...
I feel as though this is one of my last
trips to the West Coast & US. I can tell that I'll be leaving the
West soon & do not really have any burning desire to return. I feel
that my relationship with family is ok, but the depth in divine love is
lacking. I feel the depth with other devotees exceeds anything beyond
reason. This is the first time I have realized this. I feel I am
going in very deep & hope to only keep my mind on Gurudev. May my one
pointed focus be on knowledge & serving Gurudev. May he lift whatever
botherations come up.
Love & Jai Guru Dev
7/14/13:
I am slowly on the way to the Montreal
Ashram. Can't wait to be there. Will be wonderful to see Gurudev
and the rest of our AOL family. I'll also get to see D & T.
I felt Gurudev's presence when I pulled up L's photo...I have a
feeling L's the one...we'll see. I am looking forward to learning
Guru Puja and will hopefully get the kit too. I also need to register for
GP2 in Bangalore.
7/13/13: Last night I stayed at
KR's house & today I feel guilty. I feel like I have low Prana and
have lost a lot of Tejas. I also feel like I satisfied a craving that
carried feverishness. How to overcome this desire of lust? How to
find the center & groundedness free from desire? How to stop hurting
another person on this path? How to uplift that person and be an example
free from physical desire? I feel guilty, bad, and frustrated that this
desire for sex still exists. My wish and hope is that I may overcome the
desire for sex. How do we shift this procreative energy to the heart
center? I hope to one day be able to live from a centered state of the
heart center. May I be free from lust. This is a wish. If
needed, may I find romantic love.
"Know that you are going to leave
everything here and go. You are not going to take anything with you when you leave
this world. The cause of misery is holding onto things; mine, mine, mine!" - Sri Sri Ravi Shankar
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