On Fear

August 23, 2017

I met with an orthopedic surgeon earlier and he recommended getting an MRI done.  As I prepared for the MRI, I felt relaxed and calm.  As I entered the machine, I felt a little anxious.  I had been through this before once / twice, so wasn't too nervous.  As the machine closed, I could feel a major nervous energy hitting my heart center.  I could feel my heart just pounding, and a nervous energy like adrenalin coursing through my body.  I was lying down quietly, and the machine was making all sorts of noises.  I could feel some sort of a manipulation and an internal voice saying you cannot leave.  I could feel a very nervous energy and a lack of oxygen.  I felt heat in my shoulders.  I felt FEAR.  As I laid there, I chanted Om Nama Shivaya.  I stayed down for sometime until the operator came and opened the machine.  As he told me I was moving too much, I got up and felt great dizziness and all of the adrenaline making my whole body shake.  I hadn't felt this sense of FEAR since I got sucked out to the ocean in a rip tide in San Diego's Dog Beach.  I remember the FEAR and adrenaline coursing through the body.  The experience was awful, but made me grateful just to be alive.  This is the second time in my life that I have ever really felt that sense of FEAR and adrenaline.  The experience makes me sad that this is where I have come to on the path.  Fourteen years after having met Gurudev, this is where I am.  I am unsure of next steps in life, but I know one thing...I'd rather die than do another MRI unsedated.  This simply is not my time.

Hoping to make it through this very dark time in my life.

Jai Guru Dev.

An Aspiring Yogi

Everything Returns

I remember getting a hug from Gurudev right before he left the Austin Airport in late March, 2017.  He asked me what my plans were and he told me to come to the Bangalore Ashram after I finished my Hindi studies in Uttharakhand.  I was thrilled and elated at the idea of being close to and doing my beloved's work.  

I had been going through a difficult time on the path since April 2016.  I left India in May 2016 and came back to the US for about a year.  I had an intense year and when I left for India in June 2017, I thought I would come to a more peaceful and joyous place...I was wrong.

I landed in New Delhi in late June and spent some time with my dear TTC buddy Nitin Kapoor and his wife Charul.  I was happy to see them and felt grateful for their inspiration and devotion to Gurudev.  I was a little jet lag from the trip and anxious to get settled into my own place after having lived with my parents for almost two months.  I loved the time with Nitin, Charul, & my parents, but have always craved solitude for one reason or another.  

I settled into my noisy apartment in Mussoorie's Landour Bazar, but quickly decided to shift to a quieter and more secluded apartment further up in the Himalayas near Char Dukan.  After a couple of weeks, I had finally finished buying furniture and decorating my new place.  I absolutely loved it, but felt absolutely miserable from within.

I wrote to Gurudev and cc'ed some of my mentors and quickly shifted to The Art of Living Rishikesh Ashram.  I found solace and comfort there living next door to Swami Prabhudanandji.  I repeated The Blessings Course with him and had a chance to spend time with multiple Swamis &/ sadhus that were visiting the ashram.  I felt a great sense of comfort there.  I had finally started sleeping again.

As soon as I heard about the Bhagavad Gita commentary, I registered and planned to shift to The Art of Living Bangalore Ashram.  I was feeling better, but something was still clawing at me from within.  I was feeling better being with the Rishikesh Ashram Sangha.  I found the Ashramites and  Blessings Course participants friendly and felt a greater sense of belongingness.  I felt like part of their sangha.

As I left The Art of Living Rishikesh Ashram, I felt a little bad about leaving my new-found sense of belongingness, but knew I would return.

I had stopped saying Jai Guru Dev and felt a great disconnect with Gurudev.  I wondered where my devotion and love had gone.  I felt hollow and empty in sadness.  As I reached the Bangalore Ashram, I thought this feeling would diminish, but my anguish increased.  I checked into my room at The Bangalore Ashram and felt worse and worse as the Intensive Silence course began.  The meditations were a struggle and I felt so much pain in my shoulders, neck, & legs.  I could barely sleep for the entire 5 day course and felt like I was about to collapse during one of the sessions.  My mind, body, & spirit were in Kurukshetra...there was an internal war going on beyond my comprehension.  As the final day approached, I had my letter written to Gurudev and wasn't sure if I would even get a chance to meet him, but I was committed to giving him the letter, a very honest and profoundly intimate detail of this inner struggle / battle.  

To my delight, I had made my way up to the Oceanic and Gulf Darshan line in Mahavir Hall.  The main Vishalakshi Mantap Ground Floor was filled with what seemed like 500 course participants hoping to get Gurudev's darshan.  As I got comfortable, I wanted to confirm that internationals would be able to join, & to my demise, I was asked to leave and join my Intensive Silence Course darshan line.  As I sat down, I wasn't sure if I would get to meet Gurudev...as he approached for darshan, he walked by & I reached out to give him my hand-written letter.  He stepped back, faced me, & I began to stutter...I somehow could not even speak...I finally said, "Gurudev, can you please tell me if I should do seva in the ashram / do something else?"  He looked at me and said, "just stay in the ashram and come see me later."  I smiled at the thought of just getting settled here and then seeing him.  As he spoke to me, like the hand of a father, he put his hand on my shoulder before he walked away.  He knew I needed his affirmation of love.  As he walked away, I felt a wave of grace and happiness fill my being.  As Gurudev walked away, I couldn't believe my delight at having the hand of God touch my shoulder.  I felt like his grace had showered me.  I felt pure again.  As he walked around the first floor of The VM (Vishalakshi Mantap) building, he walked by us again.  I thought I was already so fully contented at my moment with my Beloved, but then he stopped, looked at me and he pinched my cheek and placed his hand on my head with all the love of a divine father.  I felt his love.  This love is greater than a thousand suns...it's so powerful that you cannot put into words what a Living Master can do to transcend your being, your entire existence.  As he walked away, I knew my heart had expanded, my cup was full, & my path was clearer.  Just one meeting with God...

As I left the VM building, I felt my normalcy and happiness return, my heart filled with joy, & my eyes on the present moment.  What more can a devotee, a sadhak ask for?

I leave this time wondering what I can do for him and how magical a single moment can be... to be with an enlightened human being, with a Spiritual Master, a Guru, my Gurudev, my Beloved Gurudeva...this is it.

With a love beyond understanding & words...

Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi 

Random Blog Posts during a difficult year

Blog entry 7/22/17

What does it mean to be love.  Gurudev says that love is not an emotion, but your very existence.  I feel that when we are surrounded by negativity in daily life, it's nice to have loved ones around you.  I wonder how can we create a more positive atmosphere of love & caring, of positivity and sincerity.  I feel as though I am trapped in a whirlpool of negative thoughts & emotions, of physical and emotional pain and punishment.  I am unsure why this is happening, but can only assume it's for my own growth.  I told myself I would be committed to this journey until September 12th, but I am feeling burned out and disconnected from the path & Gurudev.  I feel like I came to The Art of Living Rishikesh Ashram for some rest, but now realize that my mind will follow me wherever I go.

I am ready to close this chapter of my journey and begin the next.  I am simply seeking some peace and quiet, some solitude and joy.  I love teaching and organizing courses, but this doesn't seem to be my time.  I have a feeling I'll pick it back up again in Bangalore.

I am tired, but am grateful to be here in Rishikesh on the Ganges.  I feel as though I have reached one of my bucket list destinations.  There are a handful of places I've always wanted to visit and this is one of them.  I am grateful to have reached here.  Hope to find and give love, joy, & happiness.

Love,

An Aspiring Yogi.

Blog entry 6/24/17

I spoke with my parents earlier this evening.  It was nice to speak with them, but I felt obliged to call them and paint a bull shit rosy picture of my time here...my place is a noisy town center average finish out apartment and my mind is going through all sorts of crazy shit.  Regardless, what's fascinating is that I feel like I can smile through all of it...don't get me wrong, I do feel upset for some time, but I find myself bouncing back to my center quickly and not really giving a shit / lately I've been saying "fuck" a lot, but it doesn't bother me anymore.  I find myself cussing and then simply letting it go by saying sorry to myself.  It's a strange thing, this small mind of mine.  

What I find even more interesting is that I had no one in the US that I felt I wanted to call and connect with.  There was literally no one.  Don't get me wrong, I had two amazing going away parties and I was happy to have nearly 50 people see me off, but I didn't really feel deeply close to any of them, not even my sister or her family.  I feel like I took a lot of responsibility there, but failed to build deeply connected relationships.  I think what we are all looking for is that sense of intimacy in all of our relationships.  I feel like many of my relationships in the US were based on some common interest / goal, but not on a sincere relationship with the person.  

Here in India, I feel like people are more still, and abiding in themselves.  People here seem to spend more time being and less time doing.  I feel like American life has lost the essence of human "being."  I still feel that American mindset pervading in my own view of this world.  I had two owners (Ashish & Mohit) of a great cafe sitting with me today and I could barely sit for five minutes with them, just chilling...I felt like I had to start "doing" something again...like I had to go study.

I hope to find my stride in daily life with some repetition in what I do, whether it's helping at the Ashram / teaching / whatever Gurudev wants me to do.

I feel better knowing that there's more we have to do to build more intimate connections with people...to really know them, give love to them, and build a more intimate sense of belongingness with those that cross our path in life.

I hope to share a smile with those around me, but more than anything, I hope to find intimacy in life, to find the one I've been looking for all my life, to find the self...Gurudev recently said, I paraphrase, I have come here for you to meet your soul, not your soulmate.

An Aspiring Yogi...searching for "that."

Love & Jai Guru Dev.

Blog entry 6/19/17

I am almost in New Delhi.  I can't believe just over a year has passed.  I can't believe I took a year off from my commitment to Mother India to serve & do my beloved's work.  I am finally back...almost in New Delhi 30k feet in the air.  I feel my heart opening to my Bharat Mata.

The past year was intense...painful, eventful, productive, and filled with pain & pleasure.  I enjoyed meeting new people & discovering a newfound appreciation for silence.  I didn't truly understand the meaning of Mouna, but within the past 13 months I began to value silence much more.  I began to value the Akash / the Purusha, both of which are great mysteries.  I spent the past year being able to help my parents & spend time with family & friends.  I felt like I had reinserted myself into The Matrix.  Towards the end, I was able to successfully chase my passion for teaching, but failed in desire.  I felt the feverishness of desire right before I left for India.  This made me realize that I need to strike a balance between my natural tendencies and my desire to live a life as a swami / monk.  My heart was broken for some time, but I now fully accept who I am.  My goal is 10k students that have done the Sudarshan Kriya.  For this, I know my beloved will help enable my ambition to serve him, society, & the self...to create a sea of happiness.  This seems to bring me the greatest happiness.

In the past year, I rented a house in East Austin near downtown, bought a hybrid and sold two cars.  I traveled to Costa Rica, & then to California twice.  I reconnected with cousins and my sister.  I cruised to Cozumel and remodeled two garages.

I even got a chance to almost completely remodel my father's fourplex in Austin.  I also updated several of my properties and even sold my IRA duplex.  I actually brokered a handful of large deals too...a productive year, but not one fully dedicated to my dharma.

I hope and wish to only do his work for the next 42 years and beyond.  I truly do want my life to be an expression of seva, peace, & joy.  I simply want to be close to him.

I am now off to Mussoorie to finish what I had spent two years planning for and ran away from last year.  I have now created and recommitted the space in my life to study Hindi full-time and complete the Hindi language course.

I hope to use my Hindi as needed in India.

I feel very grateful for reaching this point in my life & hope that I will be able to strike a balance in life, for Gurudev once told one of my mentors that "balance" is key...he was simply told one word, "balance."

I am arriving...and hope to bring many along the way.

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

R

Blog entry 3/1/17

I have had a rough couple of days.  These past couple of days, weeks, months, & years have made me wonder if the path is really what I want.  Do I really want to help people?  Do I really want to selflessly serve others?  Did I simply arrive at the path to overcome my own misery?  Am I so selfish that I have no desire to even be around others?  

I used to have a deep longing to know the truth, but now I honestly don't have a desire to go deeper on the path.  I kind of feel maxed out &/ burned out.  I feel that I simply want to live a normal life, a life filled with love, with a partner, with children maybe.  I don't feel love anymore.  I don't feel that I am love anymore.  Gurudev says that love is not an emotion, it's your very existence.  I don't feel that love is my everything.  I feel dejected, somehow hurt, & negative.  I feel that I have lost the juice of the Kriya & Sahaj and all I'm left with is this constant reminder that I can't relax.  I feel that I'm under some sort of a trance.  

I feel low.  I like my life, but want to experience love, want to experience something besides this small mind.  I want to experience kindness again.  It's been a few years since I've felt that bubbling enthusiasm for the path.  Instead I'm left with this constant feeling that something is wrong, someone is wrong.  Either I am the villain or someone else is being vilified.  There's no peace, joy, & love in this way of living.

I used to feel bubbling & enthusiastic love for Gurudev, but now I feel disconnected from source somehow.

I feel my good nature has left me.  Love has left me.  

I believe Gurudev would say wake up & realize you are love my dear, but it's difficult to experience this when your experience & your inner voice is the contrary.  

The love that I once knew and that motivated me into doing seva is now this inner voice of punishment & negativity constantly asking me to say sorry for each and every thought and constantly physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusing me until I have depressing thoughts.  This doesn't seem like the way to live, doesn't seem like the way to love, doesn't seem to be the way...

I'll keep searching, but will surrender this negativity to him, to the one I used to feel. I no longer feel connected to source...instead I'm left with this feeling of emptiness, this feeling of great inner sadness, this feeling of conflict as though something else should be, something else is.

I can only wonder what is, what was, and what will be...for I may not know within this year, this decade, or this life, but what I do know is that my family needs me.

May we become the beacon of hope for others.  May we find and be love to others.

As the ebbs and flows of the ocean waves and the clouds pass, so shall this life among lives...we come and go just as the waves of the ocean rise and fall...as the clouds pass, we shall too.

In search of love.

Jai Guru Dev (victory to your higher self)

Blog entry 9/15/16

Do we ever wonder if this worldly material life is not truly living...a purposeless daily grind of activities aimed at what?  Accumulating a few dollars?  I claim balance, but really where's the intensity in living a balanced life.  I once heard that a yogi is all or nothing, Gurudev playing with the idea of a beard / clean shaven.  I still believe his words resonate with life itself.  Why live a life true to the world, to the material world.  Why not spend every waking moment seeking truth?  Why not give up everything we think is important, including our pleasure, for something greater than our small minded self.  There is something here beyond comprehension, beyond this world...what is it that we're seeking?  There's something beyond this...Gurudev says "you are that" tattvamasi.  What is that?  I cal tell you, it's not this.  It's not spending these days at Lowe's & painting walls.  It's not seeking another deal.  This isn't why I came here.

I hope he tells me one day.

Love & Jai Guru Dev.

9/16/16

In memory of a dear friend.  My dear friend I had spent so many days flirting with & giving rides with on my scooter passed recently to suicide.  She was so beautiful & her external beauty often carried an internal stiffness.  I loved making her smile & feel free.  She truly was so beautiful.  She was simply so beautiful to look at, but I knew she struggled internally.  Her death is a reminder that we have so much work to do to make one another happy & lift them each day.  Our battle is not with ourselves, but rather with those struggling with depression & suicidal thoughts.  I will always miss that beautiful girl from Bengal.  My heart goes out to her.  May her soul rest in peace.  Lots of love.  Jai Guru Dev.

9/18/16

I'm listening to Sade, and I'm reminded of the many romantic comedies & romantic novels I used to love reading growing up.  I used to wonder why I loved Danielle Steel & Nora Roberts growing up.  Even I thought it was odd, but the love that was described & felt was so beautiful was so emotionally fulfilling.  I remember also exploring Eric Jerome Dickey from LA.  These beautiful novels & books made me think that love was truly everything.  As Gurudev says, all of these types of love, all combined, lead to divine love.  Why is romantic love so special?  I think it's because we get to, in one sense, have the love of our beloved, all to ourselves.  I get to experience divine love directly from another human being.  

I long, as Radha likely longed for Krishna, to honor & indulge in my lover, my love.  I long to experience that sense of depth in emotion, in longing, in experiencing not only the sensuality, but also the spirituality.  I long to worship, in a sense, the subtle & gross beauty that a beautiful woman's presence has...that feeling of gratitude, of honoring, of feeling like you have the universe in your arms, that complete sense of fulfillment within your arms & by your side.  There's something to the experience of romantic love that may very well be a subset of divine love...I don't know, but I do have this faith that the highest self-realization encompasses everything.  I still feel that romantic love helps to ground us in this worldly life until we've reached the goal.

I do love that feeling of connectedness emotionally and socially.  There's a sense of peacefulness & calm associated with having a beautiful woman by your side.  There's a sense of grounding and contentment that comes knowing that there's a woman there..."like a lovers rock" as I listen to this song.  Is it a shared struggle?  A shared longing for completion, for Kevalya.  Can another complete our incompleteness?  I do feel that we look for qualities in others where we may be lacking.  I am not sure.

I know she's out there.  There is someone who will help anchor me in this "storms of emotions."  

I would love to write about Asal, but I'm not sure yet.  She's very attractive and I've felt that she & I connect very well...I hope to have that romantic connection with her soon.  I hope to find that groundedness & anchoring with her...that feeling of connectedness when in silence, I'm simply holding her hand and we're together, that moment when we're in a crowd & I look over & nod.  That moment when I can stare into her eyes & there is no discomfort between two souls.  That moment when silence can simply be...when two souls are in a state of being.

Meeting a Sadhu in Rishikesh

Meeting a Sadhu 

August 6th, 2017

At first glance, I thought I had met this elder Indian man who looked very humble, like a Sadhu / Pundit.  I said Namaste & went on my way, not giving much thought to this realized soul, a swami & yogi among us.  We can call him Shoonya as he liked the thought of nothing.

I now write as I want to clearly articulate my thoughts and understanding of the depth of which was communicated.

On the first day of our talk, I attempted to communicate in Hindi, but the essence of what was communicated was difficult to comprehend.  Later during that discussion, the Sadhu revealed that he spent many years traveling the world & spoke excellent English.  

As I peppered him with questions, he shared from the depth of his experience, at times, I felt beyond the intellect.  

I asked about attraction and he said that it is perfectly natural and not to suppress it.  He said that in time & with maturity, these desires will go.  He said that one should not suppress his desires or this energy will explode.  I feel as though this feverishness has left me, but I still have attraction in my eyes.  He said that this is perfectly fine.

Upon ending our talk, I asked him if he was a swami and he said only on the outside, not on the inside.  I listened and wondered & then later asked him what he meant.  He said that complete and utter dispassion is what is called Vairagya.  Abiding in this energy is the goal, is becoming a Swami.  He mentioned that he had spent many years with another spiritual leader and even served in another ashram for near 20 years.  He was very close to some other master.  He left this path to seek asylum in The Himalayas near Tehri.  There he spent several days and months in silence, mouna.

He laughed and laughed from the stomach / gut, a genuine sense of joy emitting in the space, the Akash.

As we spoke more, he revealed to me that inner Vairagya is the ultimate goal.  He also discussed the Rajas of activity and doership.  I wondered how to become more sattvic in nature.

At the end of our talk, I asked him if there was anything I could bring him, & to my delight, he said honey as he had a sore throat at the time.  I was happy that I would have the opportunity to serve this sadhu.  I left feeling lighter and filled with spiritual wonder.  I later delivered the Patanjali branded honey.

Earlier on the second day, one of the ashramites was carrying food scraps from the kitchen.  He said in Hindi that he wanted to feed the mother and children next to the river.  I wondered what he meant as my Hindi is limited.  As we approached my guest room, I realized that the sadhu had asked this ashramite to offer food to the mother pig and her piglets next to my room.  I had heard some very loud pig noises from next to my window, but did not think anything of it.  I wondered why this pig was so excruciatingly loud and annoying.  In my small mind, I wondered why we have loose pigs running around in Indian towns.  The sadhu next door to me, instead realized that these pigs were starving and were trapped due to high water levels in the river.  The ashramite wondered if he could enter my room, and the sadhu said that he (me) is a teacher, so there is no need to worry about the ashramite entering...I thought this was very sweet.  I gladly invited the ashramite in to feed the family of pigs and I left for a WIFI cafe in Rishikesh somewhere.  Later I realized my own selfishness.

On the second day we met, the sadhu was casually sitting and enjoying the day.  I sat and exchanged some pleasantries and we began to discuss spirituality.  He said that even if you want to remain in the world, aspire to be a sadhu within, renouncing the world and all of it's trappings.  He said something that inspired me.  I asked him how we can overcome the comfort and trappings of the material world and he said that this must be an inner calling.  He said that one day he had all of the luxuries of the material world including transportation via A/C car, money in his pocket, & offers from many people to start schools / programs around the world.  He even had several marriage proposals.  Internally though, none of these things brought him happiness, and on one fine day, he completely dropped it and left without even a penny in his pocket.  He renounced even the comforts of his spiritual path & guru, his position and comforts / luxuries that came along with it to beg & become a sadhu.  He went from 87kg to 56kg within 3 years.  He gained physical vitality and slept for 5 hours wherever he could each day.  He meditated and found solace in abiding in the self.  After several years as a sadhu, he came down from Gangotri &/ Tehri when Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar contacted him.  He visits the ashram from time-to-time.  He lives on one small serving of daal (lentil soup) & rice per day.

One funny story he shared was when some visitors came to visit the ashram and they started asking him for all sorts of basic necessities.  He even cooked for them.  They thought he was the security guard and by the end of their stay, realized he was a Swami and took blessings / darshan from him before leaving.  I remember having a similar experience at the Bangalore Ashram.  When Kashi Bhaiya first started teaching our one-month-long Vedic Wisdom course, I kept wondering when this young man would leave and the real elder teacher / Swami would arrive to take our course...little did I know I would have the honor of spending six straight weeks with one my favorite senior teachers.

The sadhu, Shoonya, shared that he found that the key to life is presence.  Your intellectual knowledge is not the answer, but rather your vibrations.  What vibrations do we carry in each and every moment?  He mentioned some famous saints and I agreed that they carry an unfathomable presence, a vibration that is pure energy, love, & joy.

As we spoke, he asked about my birthday and he said this date signifies a desire for divine consciousness and solitude.  I agreed and he mentioned the path of solitude and the time it takes to reach the goal.  He said, I paraphrase, "why not go into solitude, meditate, realize your self, and then come back to share what you've found with others?"  I wondered about this and surrendered it to Gurudev.  I still have a desire to find my own inner peace, my own silence, & reach self-realization in the Himalayas somewhere, but feel that this is not what Gurudev wants for now.  I surrender to Gurudev and he has specifically asked me to come to the Bangalore Ashram for seva.  The Himalayas will have to wait for some time / some lifetime.  

He shared about some different techniques he learned and how he spent time learning Osho's techniques like dynamic meditation back in the 80s.  He mentioned reading over 50 books by Osho.  I told him that as I was fully devoted to Gurudev & that I decided against learning other techniques.  Gurudev once said that if you go spiritual shopping then it's like digging several wells, but never reaching water.  One of my mentors, my teacher training teacher and first blessings teacher once said that, even after 25 years, Gurudev had told her that she's only experienced a drop in the ocean of consciousness.  There is so much to learn and experience on this path, the field of consciousness is truly infinite.

As my conversation with this sadhu ended, I asked him how he felt about being here now?  He said that he felt a great sense of inner happiness and joy.  He said that after 40 years on the path, he felt that his Prarabdha Karma was done and he could abide in sanyas (sanyasi is the fourth and final ashrama / stage of life).  He said that he felt no desire to teach / become part of any organization / start any organization.  He reminded me of when Swami Rama left his Shankaracharya post in search of solitude.  It was only after several years that Swami Rama decided to create the Himalayan Institute.

The lingering question I feel for many like Swami Vivekananda and Swami Rama, is, did they leave in complete peace & samadhi while building their spiritual communities?

I leave this time with the sadhu wondering and inquiring about two things; how can I cultivate complete inner dispassion, vairagya, and how can I be an authentic sadhu from within.

With Love.

Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi