Finding Vairagya

Blog entry 10/25/16:

I broke it off with AD this evening.  I felt betrayed when she committed to taking the HP program and doing SKY, but then backed out.  I was very attracted to her & would have likely continued dating her, but have since decided to turn my senses more inwards & focus on the path for some time.  I feel as though I am going through some sort of a transformation & cleansing, but I am unsure & uncertain of what the outcome is.  I hope to one day experience true silence in the mind.  I feel that it would be amazing to simply listen from a space of silence.  I no longer feel the need to date someone / chase after some material object.  I want / desire to abide in Patanjali's Ashtanga Yoga.  I want to live the Yamas & Niyamas, no matter what has to be suppressed / repressed, until Gurudev says otherwise.  I am uncertain of what the future holds, but know that I feel more established in yoga living by Patajali's prescription.  I can only abide in the present moment & keep a sankalpa for Santosha...to be contended in this present moment without hankering for any desire in the future.

With devotion to living as a yogi.

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

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Blog entry 10/13/16:

I walked my street today and when I looked up at the sky I thought about how all of this is so transitory, almost meaningless.  I thought about how it feels to chase after what doesn't really exist...the nature of our desires seems so fleeting, like they really don't exist...they are ever-changing.  I recently heard a saint say that Spirituality is the highest luxury.  I agree.  The highest happiness is in self-realization, being in love...realizing we are love.  Realizing that there is truly no other, there is just this field of energy called love.  This state of love is said to be 1,000 times greater than the pleasure from sex.  I can't imagine that state, but feel that it exists.

More importantly, I feel that even the desire for sex is fleeting & temporary...it's meaningless.  The ultimate meaning is in love, in service, in uplifting humanity & realizing our own true self, the only true self, the Purusha, the Atma, the truth.

This seems like such a waste of time traversing the maya, this worldly life, but I feel like it's necessary for some time.

I long to be by the Ganges meditating, doing yoga, sadhana, & sharing the gift I have with others that travel this path of grace.  I long to be in Rishikesh.  I used to long to be close to my beloved, but now feel that he simply exists as the air I breathe...why limit him to the body?  He is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent.  I like to believe & have faith that a Siddha encompasses these traits.

I return to the street light, the power lines, & the moon far off in the distance & think to myself, this is just a glimpse, it's just a glimpse...there is something much more profound out there, we are simply sleeping through it.

I hope to one day wake up to it...what is it?  What is that?  He says, you are that.

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

In a tornado of negative thoughts and emotions

I remember back in 2000 or 2001 when I lived off of S. Shepherd near Rice University in Houston.  I remember taking time off to simply do nothing...a "staycation" before the name even came up...I wouldn't even drive my car.  I simply biked around the area for a couple of days and felt better.  I feel like I have returned to this place of deep negativity and regret that I have ended up in a space of no sadhana.  I miss the days of longing for my beloved and being happy just thinking about being close to him.  I have since left the thought of my beloved and have decided to pursue a more worldly life.  I am happier to be home in Austin, TX and have started to nest within my nice little house in East Austsin off of Bob Harrison.

I struggle each day with so many negative thoughts and emotions.  I can't describe what flows through my mind, but it's not happiness.  I feel like I've created a whole team of antagonists and this makes me sad.  I live to uplift others around me and love to see others happy.  I feel bad that so many negative thoughts are flowing through my small mind.  Why are these thoughts happening?  Why have I created a chief antagonist that seems to be my "bully" in the spiritual realm.  I feel that he verbally and physiologically abuses me.  I'm not sure why I've created this person in my mind, but I wish to be free of him.  I wish to be free of the path for some time.  I'm about to cancel my trip to see Gurudev in December and I feel bad for doing it.  I purposefully did not go to Navratri for the same reason.  I just need a break and there's too much "processing" that's happening right now.  This doesn't seem to be the way.

I hope to become free of this and reinsert myself in to the "matrix" of worldly life for some time.  I feel that it's important to find happiness in this wordly life before embarking on finding happiness in the Purusha.

I hope to one day meet my beloved again.  Until then, I hope to date an amazing woman that I've met recently in Austin and simply be happy.  I would love to be in romantic love.  I know it will happen.

I hope for everyone to be happy.  I hope for morale to be higher in this world.  I hope for the best...as my Gurudev says, "only the best will happen..."

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi