This evening, I was excited to see someone that I have mistaken for Gurudev, someone that I love very much, someone I have looked up to as my beloved Gurudev, someone I spent 6 straight weeks learning from. I spent the day thinking about him and even wrote an intimate letter to him, but as I sat waiting for him, I realized that this is not the time to change my course. I am going through something intense and powerful. I'm not sure where it will lead me / where I am going, but I know that I must continue. I know that something is carrying me, is polishing this diamond into a yogi that will shine one day. Even if this diamond must be worn for some time. I can feel the pain and the reminder of penance. There's a Sanskrit word for penance, which I have forgotten, but many yogis go through so much self-mutilation and torture to overcome their bodies and minds. I can barely move my right arm without nerve sensations, but I somehow manage to move everyday. I have stopped working out and am reminded of the damage in my neck almost on the hour. Even though this mind and body feel tortured, I know deep down inside that something is progressing, something is growing, something somewhere tells me that this is right, now matter how painful this is. No matter how unhappy, miserable, painful, or regretful I feel, I must remind myself to surrender to the unknown, to the big mind. I must let go of this small thinking mind and realize something far greater than myself, my small mind. I will survive. I will live like a yogi. I will focus on the prescription of Patanjali's Yoga Sutras, the Yamas and Niyamas.
I feel as though I have moved away from Gurudev's prescription for preparation for higher states of yoga. I feel my worldly life and the prana that has moved away from me. After I realized that I am committed to something far greater than myself, I realize that the small minded sacrifice of pleasure, comfort, happiness, and joy, are short-term sacrifices one has to make to achieve self-realization.
Even if I have to live like a beggar, like a sadhu, I would do it. I would drop everything to achieve sel-realization, to achieve an awakening.
May my body, my mind, and my spirit be with the Purusha, with Gurudeva.
In deep surrender regardless of this small-minded state of mind,
An Aspiring Yogi
I feel as though I have moved away from Gurudev's prescription for preparation for higher states of yoga. I feel my worldly life and the prana that has moved away from me. After I realized that I am committed to something far greater than myself, I realize that the small minded sacrifice of pleasure, comfort, happiness, and joy, are short-term sacrifices one has to make to achieve self-realization.
Even if I have to live like a beggar, like a sadhu, I would do it. I would drop everything to achieve sel-realization, to achieve an awakening.
May my body, my mind, and my spirit be with the Purusha, with Gurudeva.
In deep surrender regardless of this small-minded state of mind,
An Aspiring Yogi
