Witnessing Sickness

Lately, I’ve noticed that my Mom has an irritation / frustration / some stress in her voice.  She uses the words, you “should” a lot and seems to want to direct others with her ideas.  I believe her mind races, but with good intention.  She enjoys a large circle of friends, planning events, and religious activities.  My parents both have always enjoyed socializing.  I believe this has kept them really mentally healthy and emotionally centered.  

My Mom seems to carry some stress or frustration in her voice.  This dissolved when she got COVID.  A sense of surrender and helplessness arose.  Her desire to direct others / influence others fell off.  A sense of surrender blossomed.  A kind humility surfaced in her voice.  A tone in her voice radiated some calm and peace at the surrender involved in simply “letting go.”  She no longer felt the need to control the outcome / situation, to influence others, or fight my Dad on something.  She no longer had to battle her own inner demons.  She simply had to focus on her health.  No other stresses to worry about.  All she has to do is let go.

Is this what we witness in everyday life?  We’re constantly striving for one thing or another.  We want a better job, or nicer home, or more time with our loved ones / beloved Gurudeva.  We are chasing / striving / wanting to do more, accomplish more, discover more, attain more, more, more, more…we are constantly seeking.  When we are confronted by our own lack of control, I believe we let go.  The seeking stops, the desire to influence, to attain, or any other ambition, simply falls off.

As a dear friend once said to me, we have this innate desire to “contribute.”  We want to feel as though our life has an impact on others, the community, society.  How can we find balance in selfless service, fruitless service to others, and witnessing.  I believe the key here is witnessing.  How do we find the space?  How do we simply let go.  

As my Mom’s health returns, I suspect she will busy herself and resume her social activities and getting along with my Dad after 54 years of marriage.  As her normal routines return, I wonder how she can maintain that sense of humble surrender as her state of mind.  I wonder if she wants to.  I wonder if she even realizes it.  

How do we let go…

In humble surrendering,

An Aspiring Yogi. 

On Food and Digestion

 I just spent the better part of 9 days fasting on liquids.  I would drink a Venti Starbucks Chai Latte / Decaf Almond Milk Mocha / maybe a chocolate milk shake from McDonalds.  I was unable to pass a bowel movement since I left Charlotte for some reason unknown to me.  I write this and realize my selfishness in referring to the experience of I, me, and my; but this experience left a very lasting impression.  I no longer desire to be free of eating / food.  I realize the joy of eating and the energy that food provides.  I don’t fully understand how we end up disrespecting others, but I do realize that we do at times make mistakes that may even be repeated due to ignorance / lack of control of mind / thoughts.  I find myself disrespecting people unknowingly, but I surrender the thought to God &/ Guru.  I simply chant Om Nama Shivaya and surrender the ignorance.  

The experience of this low energy state coupled with a very upset stomach made me realize the power of the stomach to transform emotions.  An upset stomach can lead to negativity and tamsic inertia.  The opposite I believe also holds true.  The power of fresh fruits and vegetables, freshly prepared lentils and rice, can uplift the spirit and help us maintain a state of sattva.  I have a newfound respect for Ayurvedic cooking.  I realize the benefit of providing the body with nutritious well-balanced food in the right quantity at the right time.  Ayurvedic food can potentially uplift our spirits and give us a tremendous reservoir of energy.

One thought that lingers from this experience of not eating for 9 days is how does the mind and Atma deal with leaving the body at the time of death.  Does the mind still crave for food when the body is dropped?  Does this craving for tasty foods become bondage for taking another body?  

The craving for sex, I believe, begins to diminish as we age.  I feel as though the craving for sweets has diminished significantly as I have aged.  I no longer crave spicy and overly sugary foods.  I can only guess that the craving for sex and food will diminish as I age, but I wonder.

Imagine the mind and atma free from the body.  At the time of death, as the body is dropped, does the mind also drop certain cravings?  I believe the Upanishads and Gitas are teaching us to drop these cravings as we get older.  Maybe this is why some elderly eat very lightly.  Their capacity to eat larger meals goes down as we get older.  I have experienced only eating one to two meals a day as I approach age 50.  I now take triphala to ensure healthy digestion and take vitamins to prevent sickness.

Even though the body may be able to get by with just water / maybe even be free from high quantities of water, I believe we need healthy food and water / hydration to balance our emotions and state of sattva.

Can we get by on less?  Yes, absolutely.  As Sivananda once wrote, a little bit of this and a little bit of that.  

The Buddha once meditated for several days and upon near collapse, reached for some rice pudding / kheer and realized that the body needs some food for energy.  The Buddha also likely realized that he needed some water too.

Swami Rama had once meditated on the banks of the Ganges for 13 days, and after some days, all he could think about was food.  Imagine the discipline of sadhus in India / the homeless in the US.  They are likely food conscious so often.  We have so much to be grateful for. 

In terms of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the base layer is food, safety, and shelter.

Another aspect of being sick with digestive issues for 9 days, is the concept of surrendering everything.  In this surrender, in the present moment, as this sickness occurred, I had no choice but to move forward.  How can we adapt to adversity and maintain equanimity?  I had felt upset at times, but had no choice but to move forward.  In the face of discontent, I realized my selfishness.  I still feel selfish as I had spent time dwelling on my own needs and wants.

How do we truly become selfless?  How do we surrender our own needs?  How do we achieve silence?  I believe all of our struggles are but to reach this silence in surrender.  How can we find equanimity and silence even when faced with great difficulty and adversity.  

How can we learn self defense in a world filled with so much violence?  How can we protect others?  How do we make our children strong?  Not only physically strong, but mentally strong?  When a child is bullied, how do we make them strong enough to combat the verbal abuse?  How do we teach children to protect not only themselves, but others around them?  

I don’t know the answer to many of these questions, but I assume that the answer so often depends on the situation.  I struggle with the concept that we have world hunger and human violence and starvation and severe human abuse, but we have individuals striving to put man in space as leisure travel.  I don’t get it.  Is this the irony of human nature or rather the complexity of human existence.  The world is so complex.

I’m left wondering how we can be simply be free.  Be grateful for rest, energy, food, meditation, family and friends.  Be grateful to serve others.  Ultimately, be grateful to do his work.  I feel as though I’m rambling now, but more than ever, you take away someone’s ability to eat for some days, and he / she will realize the value of our most basic needs.  Food, shelter, water...imagine what people must go through in a hospital room attached to a feeding tube / respirator.  They have effectively dropped eating and drinking.  

Imagine the human condition...everyday, every moment.

Ever grateful for the opportunity for depth.

Love & Jai Guru Deva,

An Aspiring Yogi

On Ego and Desire

On Ego.

I felt a sense of separation from this group that I met today.  I felt separate as though the group that I was meeting was somehow different from me.  They all seemed so nice and free, they seemed to enjoying “time pass” as I have learned in the East.  I feel as I spend more time alone, I am unable to relate to groups of two or more people.  I feel as though I’m becoming more and more introverted during this time as many others are too.  During this time of isolation in the pandemic, how are people feeling more connected?  How can we engage one another more and simply be comfortable with a group of people, like sangha chatvam (sp?).  How do we move as one?  Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says that as our responsibilities increase, our sense of belongingness increases.  I’ll bet that as I do more seva there, I will feel more connected to the community at the co-op.  Gurudev says that as belongingness increases, responsibility increases.  Reminds me of a story of a senior Landmark Forum teacher that once did humanitarian banking work in Africa.  She shared about her and her husband working diligently in Kenya / some other part of Africa to improve the economy and banking system there.  I felt as though she had really connected with the African community.  Her sense of belongingness must have been quite deep and large.  I think our belongingness can break barriers, stereotypes, and prejudices.  The people we feel separate from, we have to serve.

On Desire.

I found an intriguing invitation on Shaadi today.  I declined the invite, but remember the name and decided to look her up on Facebook.  I thought she lived in another city and did not really take her invitation seriously.  Little did I know, she was gorgeous.  I felt a deep sense of attraction and really enjoyed looking at her online pictures.  As I projected far away from the present moment, planning our marriage / engagement, I felt a very deep sense of resistance.  I felt a deep sense of insincerity.  I felt that I was betraying my own path of spirituality.  I do believe that Rishis and marriage are sacred and spiritual, but for some reason, not for me.  Regardless, I felt a pang of discomfort in my mind.  The thought of getting into a marriage did not feel right.  Maybe when the right person comes along, there will be absolutely no doubt, but hard to imagine at this age.  I’m 45 now.  

The thought that comes to mind now is how do we move away from this sense of “I” “me” and “my.”  I have lately felt stuck with material objects, money, wealth, romantic love, really all deeply worldly thoughts.  When I was at Sivananda Ashram, a beautiful thought they wrote about on their website was the idea of working for the greater good vs. yourself.  How do we shift from thinking about the work we can do to improve our own lives vs. the greater good.  I believe teaching and ashram life can provide great opportunities to serve others.  How can we foster this in every day life?  In the world, how do we move to improve the greater good.  I believe this requires service to others, to a group of people.  How can we really move the needle for others, a group, more than this small mind.  

Striving to move from working for “I” “me” “my” to serving the greater good.

In Divinity, in Discipline, in Disciple.

An Aspiring Yogi.

So Off Track

 During a pandemic, started shopping for new cars...

Instead of serving others, thinking about and even shopping for cars.

Instead of preventitive measures, going out and test driving vehicles.

People are dying.  POTUS has COVID.  People are isolated and think about the people that have lost loved ones...1M dead worldwide, 200k in the US.  People are sick...and you're thinking about a stupid car you don't need.  What happened?  How did you get so off track?

Focus on helping others.  Think about those you can support / help.  Think about people that are in need / may need a friend / support.  Think of those alone.  

Where are we as a people?  How is it that China was able to come together and isolate and cure their entire country...why can't we do the same?

After looking at the numbers, I came to the conclusion to simply live your life with precaution...use a face mask, face shield, and gloves.  Socially distance and wash hands often.  Be smart.  No large groups / gatherings.  Take care of people...live your life with balance...keep one foot on the ground.

As for car shopping...you were helping a parent and there will be more to come tomorrow.  Let the pandemic pass until you continue car shopping...their needs are met right now.  Focus on needs vs. wants.  What responsibilities can we take on right now?

An Aspiring Yogi.

The Social Dilemma

 Blog Entry 09/30/2020

Day 7 of my internet and social media technology fast

I am on Day 7 evening of my week long technology fast.  After watching a Netflix Documentary on the addictive effects of the internet and social media, I decided to take a week off from the internet.  I want to document my experiences here and share what insight I had.

The greatest impact was equanimity and peace of mind.  On the first day, I felt like I really had to push through a barrier and just sit with myself.  I was so used to escaping my thoughts, negative emotions, and general discomfort with myself by watching movies on Netflix and Amazon Prime.  I decided to just sit in my desk chair with the lights off and be with the discomfort.  The discomfort surprisingly quickly faded away.  I still felt great discomfort at times, but I told myself that it was possible to push through this and be free of the constant need for distraction, movies, emails, social media, &/ the internet.

I spent a lot of times with negative thoughts, with depressing thoughts about others, about loved ones, and friends.  I eventually found silence within a few days.  By the final day, I actually felt like my mind was drifting  and I actually missed teaching my yoga class on Day 7.  I caught myself at times having superficial &/ comedic thoughts and realized that these thoughts are not my nature.  I felt as though I was projecting a superficial version of myself at times.  I know I can maintain a state of equanimity and peace.  

I began doing more Japa and found peace in chanting Om Nama Shivaya.  On Day 7, I actually did yoga twice in one day, worked on a project I had been delaying for some time, and had even completed the finishing touches on my parents backyard and garden.  I really enjoyed the time away from technology.  Most importantly, I enjoyed simply being with myself in greater silence.  I realize that with less technology, we have more time to serve others and the community.  We have more time to connect with friends and family.  We have more patience and are better listeners.  We are more patient with ourselves.  I literally moved slower this past week.  I relaxed more.  I felt more clarity of mind and even relaxed eyes.  The greatest gift was my ability to really connect sincerely and authentically with others.  I was actually able to get a friend of mine, a yoga student, to help another friend of mine, a fellow PT patient, in need.  How cool is that?

I think we have to balance technology and social media.  I would like to do another experiment with being free of my phone for a week, but feel that I would rather help people and connect with them.  Maybe one day in the future, I will go into silence again.  I have been in up to 10 days of silence, and it’s powerful.  There are so many levels to silence.  The most basic is keeping your lips closed, but the most powerful is slowing the thoughts.  How do we get this mind into deep silence?

I hope to adapt a lifestyle free of movies and TV shows, of the need to find comfort and relaxation in watching something.  I think there is a much deeper relaxation in simply being with yourself.  When the walls cave in, can we simply be still and look up at the stars?  

With a renewed and inspired spirit,

An Aspiring Yogi.

Groundhog Day

 Blog Entry 09/26/20

Groundhog Day

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to abide in infinity?  Imagine if this day were to repeat exactly the same way ever single day?  Externally, not much changes, but internally, how we deal with infinity can and must change dramatically.  Bill Murray, the main character, experiences this and even sees what is going to happen before it happens.  He becomes so accustomed to the outside environment, that he naturally turns inwards and even says that he’s abiding in infinity.  How do stop pursuing constant change externally so we can pursue pratayahara, or turning inwards?

How do we find contentment in this moment right now, completely abiding in right now.  Bill Murray goes on to pursue pleasure, wealth, & even love, before ultimately finding his dharma in selflessly serving others and witnessing the world come to him.  

Sri Sri says that when we stop chasing after our small minded worldly desires, the world starts chasing after us.  How do we become so selfless that we completely drop the “I, me, & my” & truly makes others a complete priority.  How do we make the concept a reality?

At the end of the movie, Bill Murray, spends his  entire day helping others and even coming to peace at the death of an elderly gentlemen.  He beautifully learns and shares his talent on the piano and takes on so much responsibility to constantly help others in his community.  His sense of belongingness expands well beyond his own life, his own desires, his own small mind.  Ultimately he finds his way out of the repetition of his day, like finding Mauna out of the repetition of Japa.  He finds dharma, his life purpose, or “the art of living.”

At a Crossroads

 I'm wondering what to do next.  I have to leave where I am and I am unsure of what to do next.

I have a few options:

1) Move to Austin

If I moved to Austin, I would end up renting a 1/1 or remodeling Balaji and Radhika's place.  I would continue to teach yoga online and simply workout every day.  I would go for a 5 to 10 mile walk / day and workout in my apartment.  I would end up buying a bed and a couch.  I may get this from my sister's house.  I would likely simply teach yoga a few times / more / week.  I may get into real estate and broker a few deals here and there until I feel comfortable going back into yoga studios.  I still feel restricted about dating and not sure I would, but would like to meet Rebecca and Daljinder in Austin among other friends.  Would be nice to meet Paresh and Melody too.  I could help Doug as well and meet Rachel.  I am honestly, still uncomfortable meeting people face to face, so would likely spend a LOT of time alone.  I may get back into Turo and maybe manage a few of the Lexus hybrids.  This would last for another 9 months.

2) Head to India

My second option is to move to Rishikesh and live with Shivani at Aloha on the Ganges.  If she ends up dating that psychiatrist, then I would likely find a 1/1 or 2/2 in the same building.  I would eventually shift to the AOL / Parmarth Niketan Ashram and do full-time seva there.  I would likely feel isolated there too as the pandemic is still growing in India.  I would feel uncomfortable with the journey and may easily risk getting sick through air travel, airports, taxi service, and eventually reaching India.  I would likely feel very lonely and isolated there as I would only know some ashramites and Shivani.

3)  Seva Study Program in CA.

The third option is to head to the Yoga Farm in Northen California.  I would quarantine for 14 days and then get more involved in day-to-day full-time seva duties.  I would likely build relationships with the other ashramites and work hard.  I would love to be there and help and would feel a deeper sense of purpose vs. living in Austin.  I would build relationships and feel like I'm living my purpose, or dharma.  I would stay busy and also get to know and live in California.  I would likely work and do seva and do some sadhana as well.  I would get permission to do Sudarshan Kriya on a daily basis and meditate with the group when possible.  I would feel like I have people around me and feel comforted by the sangha.  My only fear is that this option may lead to severe pain in the body.  I would have the comfort of sangha, which may help me through any difficulties there.  I would likely benefit from being with others a lot.  I would not feel isolated or alone.  I feel that this is likely my best option.  If the opportunity presents itself, I could shift to the Boone Ashram / Bangalore Ashram / Virginia Ashram in the spring.  I would also have more ashram experience and time under my belt improving my chances of getting full-time seva somewhere else.