Pura Vida

Pura Vida:  The Pure Life

Oct 13th, 2016

I got a Facebook message around Thanksgiving from a dear friend of mine, KR, from Costa Rica.  We dated several years ago & she's now happily settled in Costa Rica with her boyfriend, Travis.  She had the oddest request.  She wanted to know if I could bring some used car parts from the US to Costa Rica.  I thought about it & initially thought to say no, but then decided I could use a short break.  She booked a flight for me and we had to reschedule the flights due to the parts not arriving in time. We finalized the dates & Karen told me that Sri Sri Ravi Shankar would be in Costa Rica.  I was conflicted at the time, but thought I would go to Costa Rica regardless.  As the date drew closer, I felt that Karen was taking care of everything including going to two events hosted by The Art of Living - El Arte De Vivir.  I couldn't even read the Spanish emails about Gurudev in San Jose, Costa Rica.  I was initially detached & skeptical about meeting Gurudev in Costa Rica, but somehow everything lined up.  In reflection, I know this all came together as the divine's plan.  

My Dad's birthday was on the 7th of December.  I came in to Houston on the 6th & spent a wonderful day finishing up my father's Man Cave Garage & having dinner with his best friends.  My Dad actually ended up finishing his Grande Margarita and ended up a little tipsy on his 72nd birthday.  I realized the power of being in conscious awareness and the gift of equanimity.  Gurudev says that every human being has the birth right to being happy & uninhibited.  Why do we need alcohol / drugs to  be uninhibited?  One of my favorite senior teachers from India, Bawa, says that people drink to escape their ongoing stressful state of mind.  When we move from stress to happiness, we no longer need alcohol / drugs to escape our state of mind / feel relaxed.  We are simply stress-free & happily uninhibited!  

On the 9th of December, after sufficient advice from my parents on international travel (sarcasm injected here), I left for Costa Rica.  I arrived at the airport to meet KR and Travis.  I immediately felt connected with KR and was happy to meet her boyfriend, Travis.  We headed into the city and checked into this eclectic and local hotel in the middle of San Jose.  The hotel was beautiful and only ran $20 - $42 per night depending on if you wanted a shared / private bath...I experienced both!  The breakfast was absolutely amazing with so many varieties of fresh fruits & vegetables.  I ate and loved the staple red beans and rice & plantains.  I indulged in fresh watermelon, papaya, beets, eggplant, & other exotic fruits & vegetables.  I felt spoiled!

We ended up traveling most of the day seeing San Jose and the rain forests / countryside.  We visited this amazing yoga retreat center where I'm hoping to teach a 5 day residential Sri Sri Yoga & Happiness Program.  We bought many fruits including my favorite lychees.  

That evening I started getting nervous about seeing Gurudev the next day after many months.  I was both nervous & excited about seeing Gurudev on the 11th evening.  After we meditated, I said my goodbyes to KR and Travis as they were leaving that morning.  That morning I meditated some

more and prepared to meet Gurudev at 4pm in San Jose.  I got there two hours early and helped however I could.  At around 4:30pm, I couldn't believe it.  I was seated maybe 4 rows from Gurudev.  I saw him and finally locked eyes and felt the love you can only feel when you are reunited with your Guru, your master, your beloved.  I felt so happy and in deep love.  After the event, as Gurudev was getting up, I ran around the back & caught up with Gurudev and handed him my Mom's homemade fruit and nut Ladoos (Indian sweets in the shape of a ball).  I said, "Gurudev, my Mom made these."  The next thing I knew I was walking right alongside Gurudev and no one else was next to him...and then it happened.  I thought, what do I say?  I came right next to him and I said, "Hi Gurudev, how are you?  Gurudev, I want to serve you full-time.  How can I best serve you?  Should I go back to India, Sri Sri University, or take courses in the US?"  He told me what I needed to hear as we were walking through the rain and someone handed me the umbrella to hold over Gurudev and I.  Can you believe I held an umbrella over my beloved's head and my whole life he's been holding an umbrella over mine?  It felt amazing.  What my Gurudev has given me for lifetimes, I was able to do for maybe 30 seconds.  As we approached his car, he asked me if I was coming to Boone and I said "yes, absolutely."  He said we would speak more then.  As Gurudev closed the door, I asked him to please eat the Ladoo (such a dork...it's all I could think of as it's what my Mom wanted).

I felt so happy & completely blissed out.  I was walking on Clould 9.  I couldn't believe I would see Gurudev the next morning for a leadership forum with a small group of maybe 100 people.  I went to bed so happily after sharing my joy with my extended Art of Living family.  As I sent WhatsApp messages, I was reminded of what Gurudev says (I paraphrase), "When you see a movie, do you keep it to yourself / share your joy with others?  You tell others to see the movie you loved.  You want to share your joy."

The next morning, I arrived at the San Jose Holiday Inn at 7:45am.  I registered and quickly got a 3rd row seat close to Gurudev.  At around 8:30am, Gurudev walked in.  I felt like Gurudev was looking at me the whole time.  I felt so much love.  His eyes just melted my heart.  I thought he ruined it for me...no other love can compare in this world.  Gurudev says that the love of the divine is a thousand times greater than all forms of love combined, the love of your parents, your siblings, your children, your spouse, boyfriend / girlfriend.  I felt like I had  entered the perfect moment...at that present moment, there was nothing else I wanted to do and nowhere else I wanted to be.  There was no amount of pleasure / money / status that could replace the perfect moment with my Master.  

Towards the end of the event, I had become friends with the lady next to me, Ana Cristina.  She had done the Happiness Program and a Silence Course in Costa Rica.  As the event closed, I encouraged her to meet Gurudev closely.  As we were leaving, I nudged her towards Gurudev and as she drew near, she ended up getting photos with Gurudev!  I was so happy that she had the opportunity to be close to him.

As I was leaving the hotel, I was struggling to get my Uber ride back to the hotel.  The previous night, I had felt a little conflicted at not bowing down to Gurudev.  I don't think Gurudev likes people touching his feet as people sometimes grab his feet and this may not feel good.  I still feel like I wanted to bow and show my honor, respect, love, & gratitude towards my beloved.  Within a minute, as I was walking back to the hotel after missing my taxi, it happened again!  Gurudev walked out of the hotel and right as I saw him, I bowed down, lightly & gracefully touched his feet, took my fingers that had touched his feet and placed them on my forehead and then my heart, realizing this for me was a symbol of my mind, heart and soul abiding in the Master, my beloved Gurudev.  He smiled brightly at me and I put my hands in Pranam, prayer pose.  He was whisked away by the shuttle bus from the hotel to the airport.  I felt my time with the master was a gift from God.

I am now thirty thousand feet in the air, feeling so much happiness, love, & gratitude.  I can't wait to see him in Boone.  There is no other.  He is simply helping us get in touch with ourselves, our true self.

I end this with the thought and feeling of love.  Gurudev says "Love is not an emotion, it's your very existence."  I feel that he is watering me as I blossom in love.  You are that.  Tattvamasi.

Jai Guru Dev

Finding Vairagya

Blog entry 10/25/16:

I broke it off with AD this evening.  I felt betrayed when she committed to taking the HP program and doing SKY, but then backed out.  I was very attracted to her & would have likely continued dating her, but have since decided to turn my senses more inwards & focus on the path for some time.  I feel as though I am going through some sort of a transformation & cleansing, but I am unsure & uncertain of what the outcome is.  I hope to one day experience true silence in the mind.  I feel that it would be amazing to simply listen from a space of silence.  I no longer feel the need to date someone / chase after some material object.  I want / desire to abide in Patanjali's Ashtanga Yoga.  I want to live the Yamas & Niyamas, no matter what has to be suppressed / repressed, until Gurudev says otherwise.  I am uncertain of what the future holds, but know that I feel more established in yoga living by Patajali's prescription.  I can only abide in the present moment & keep a sankalpa for Santosha...to be contended in this present moment without hankering for any desire in the future.

With devotion to living as a yogi.

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

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Blog entry 10/13/16:

I walked my street today and when I looked up at the sky I thought about how all of this is so transitory, almost meaningless.  I thought about how it feels to chase after what doesn't really exist...the nature of our desires seems so fleeting, like they really don't exist...they are ever-changing.  I recently heard a saint say that Spirituality is the highest luxury.  I agree.  The highest happiness is in self-realization, being in love...realizing we are love.  Realizing that there is truly no other, there is just this field of energy called love.  This state of love is said to be 1,000 times greater than the pleasure from sex.  I can't imagine that state, but feel that it exists.

More importantly, I feel that even the desire for sex is fleeting & temporary...it's meaningless.  The ultimate meaning is in love, in service, in uplifting humanity & realizing our own true self, the only true self, the Purusha, the Atma, the truth.

This seems like such a waste of time traversing the maya, this worldly life, but I feel like it's necessary for some time.

I long to be by the Ganges meditating, doing yoga, sadhana, & sharing the gift I have with others that travel this path of grace.  I long to be in Rishikesh.  I used to long to be close to my beloved, but now feel that he simply exists as the air I breathe...why limit him to the body?  He is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent.  I like to believe & have faith that a Siddha encompasses these traits.

I return to the street light, the power lines, & the moon far off in the distance & think to myself, this is just a glimpse, it's just a glimpse...there is something much more profound out there, we are simply sleeping through it.

I hope to one day wake up to it...what is it?  What is that?  He says, you are that.

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

In a tornado of negative thoughts and emotions

I remember back in 2000 or 2001 when I lived off of S. Shepherd near Rice University in Houston.  I remember taking time off to simply do nothing...a "staycation" before the name even came up...I wouldn't even drive my car.  I simply biked around the area for a couple of days and felt better.  I feel like I have returned to this place of deep negativity and regret that I have ended up in a space of no sadhana.  I miss the days of longing for my beloved and being happy just thinking about being close to him.  I have since left the thought of my beloved and have decided to pursue a more worldly life.  I am happier to be home in Austin, TX and have started to nest within my nice little house in East Austsin off of Bob Harrison.

I struggle each day with so many negative thoughts and emotions.  I can't describe what flows through my mind, but it's not happiness.  I feel like I've created a whole team of antagonists and this makes me sad.  I live to uplift others around me and love to see others happy.  I feel bad that so many negative thoughts are flowing through my small mind.  Why are these thoughts happening?  Why have I created a chief antagonist that seems to be my "bully" in the spiritual realm.  I feel that he verbally and physiologically abuses me.  I'm not sure why I've created this person in my mind, but I wish to be free of him.  I wish to be free of the path for some time.  I'm about to cancel my trip to see Gurudev in December and I feel bad for doing it.  I purposefully did not go to Navratri for the same reason.  I just need a break and there's too much "processing" that's happening right now.  This doesn't seem to be the way.

I hope to become free of this and reinsert myself in to the "matrix" of worldly life for some time.  I feel that it's important to find happiness in this wordly life before embarking on finding happiness in the Purusha.

I hope to one day meet my beloved again.  Until then, I hope to date an amazing woman that I've met recently in Austin and simply be happy.  I would love to be in romantic love.  I know it will happen.

I hope for everyone to be happy.  I hope for morale to be higher in this world.  I hope for the best...as my Gurudev says, "only the best will happen..."

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

On Being in Love

9/18/16

I'm listening to Sade, and I'm reminded of the many romantic comedies & romantic novels I used to love reading growing up.  I used to wonder why I loved Danielle Steel & Nora Roberts growing up.  Even I thought it was odd, but the love that was described & felt was so beautiful was so emotionally fulfilling.  I remember also exploring Eric Jerome Dickey from LA.  These beautiful novels & books made me think that love was truly everything.  As Gurudev says, all of these types of love, all combined, lead to divine love.  Why is romantic love so special?  I think it's because we get to, in one sense, have the love of our beloved, all to ourselves.  I get to experience divine love directly from another human being.

I long, as Radha likely longed for Krishna, to honor & indulge in my lover, my love.  I long to experience that sense of depth in emotion, in longing, in experiencing not only the sensuality, but also the spirituality.  I long to worship, in a sense, the subtle & gross beauty that a beautiful woman's presence has...that feeling of gratitude, of honoring, of feeling like you have the universe in your arms, that complete sense of fulfillment within your arms & by your side.  There's something to the experience of romantic love that may very well be a subset of divine love...I don't know, but I do have this faith that the highest self-realization encompasses everything.  I still feel that romantic love helps to ground us in this worldly life until we've reached the goal.

I do love that feeling of connectedness emotionally and socially.  There's a sense of peacefulness & calm associated with having a beautiful woman by your side.  There's a sense of grounding and contentment that comes knowing that there's a woman there..."like a lovers rock" as I listen to this song.  Is it a shared struggle?  A shared longing for completion, for Kevalya.  Can another complete our incompleteness?  I do feel that we look for qualities in others where we may be lacking.  I am not sure.

I know she's out there.  There is someone who will help anchor me in this "storms of emotions."

I would love to write about AS, but I'm not sure yet.  She's very attractive and I've felt that she & I connect very well...I hope to have that romantic connection with her soon.  I hope to find that groundedness & anchoring with her...that feeling of connectedness when in silence, I'm simply holding her hand and we're together, that moment when we're in a crowd & I look over & nod.  That moment when I can stare into her eyes & there is no discomfort between two souls.  That moment when silence can simply be...when two souls are in a state of being.

Losing a Dear Friend

In memory of a dear friend.  My dear friend and I had spent so many days talking.  She passed away recently to a drug overdose.  She was so beautiful and her external beauty often carried an internal stiffness.  I loved making her smile and feel free.  She truly was so beautiful.  I knew she struggled internally.  Her death is a reminder that we have so much work to do to make one another happy.  Our battle is not with ourselves, but rather with those struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts.  I will always miss that beautiful girl from Bengal.  My heart goes out to her.  May her soul rest in peace.  Lots of love.  Jai Guru Dev.

A Deeper Meaning...

Do we ever wonder if this worldly material life is not truly living...a purposeless daily grind of activities aimed at what?  Accumulating a few dollars?  I claim balance, but really where's the intensity in living a balanced life.  I once heard that a yogi is all or nothing, Gurudev playing with the idea of a beard / clean shaven.  I still believe his words resonate with life itself.  Why live a life true to the world, to the material world.  Why not spend every waking moment seeking truth?  Why not give up everything we think is important, including our pleasure, for something greater than our small minded self.  There is something here beyond comprehension, beyond this world...what is it that we're seeking?  There's something beyond this...Gurudev says "you are that" tattvamasi.  What is that?  I cal tell you, it's not this.  It's not spending these days at Lowe's & painting walls.  It's not seeking another deal.  This isn't why I came here.

I hope he tells me one day.

Love & Jai Guru Dev.

India: To go or not to go...

I'm just back from San Francisco.  I was able to spend 4 wonderful days with my beloved Gurudev, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.  I had a wonderful experience in my 24th / 25th silence course.  I really enjoyed it and am looking forward to many more.  The question that lingers in my mind is whether or not I should go back to India.  I have to remind myself what Gurudev said one evening.  He said to keep this one thing in your mind, "only the best will happen to me."  With that, I surrender this desire to know what's next in my life.  I will simply plan on living a simple, but productive life here in Austin, TX.  I'm looking forward to having whatever impact I may have on the community at large.

I feel bad about what has happened in our country over the past few days.  Two African-American men were shot while being pulled over by the police and five police officers were shot yesterday along with the shooter.  These events make me think that I'm badly needed within the US.  I have a deep love for India, but wonder if my presence is better suited to working in the US.  I feel that while I'm in the US, I'm greatly distracted by my passion for making money and brokering real estate and my desire for romantic pleasures.  I wonder if I'm simply guided here by the Yakshas vs. the Devas in India.  I wonder why my mind can be so different in two different countries.  

I am looking forward to returning back to my more dispassionate ways as a yogi, but wonder if this is right.  Am I being authentic to who I am?  Do I even know who I am?  Does suppressing desires and living a life that I think is righteous more important than searching for happiness?  Am I searching for Happiness outside vs. inside?  My beloved says that Happiness is found from within and we are love.  In fact, he says, "love is not an emotion, it's your very existence."  We are here to give love, not possess or demand love.  When we demand love, we destroy love.  I feel very strongly that we are here for something greater than chasing our own pleasure.  

This leaves me with the question, am I stuck?  Am I stuck with something small vs. pursuing my life purpose, my dharma.  

Is the recent incidents in our country indicative of a need of the hour for something far greater than our own personal selfish desires?  Do we need to surrender our own desires for the greater good of society?  Why am I not in front of the police forces and helping them boost morale?  Why am I not doing intro talks throughout our community and helping bring peace and tranquility to our community and society?  

I hope the answer will come to me.  I hope my life purpose shines through soon.  I know that I'm here for something far greater than brokering and remodeling the next duplex.  

Searching for meaning and inspiration...

Lots of love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

A Break from the Sudarshan Kriya

I can't believe it's been well over two months since I've done a Long Kriya.  I'm finally going to Long Kriya this evening after about 10 long weeks.  I took a break from the Art of Living and even my daily short Sudarshan Kriya practice for a solid month.  After I graduated with my Masters degree in Naturopathy and Yoga, I left for the Himalayas and even left that after I had struggled with many negative thoughts and emotions.  After a very deep and profound experience, I decided to return to the US to be close to family and focus on overcoming what's left of my cravings and aversions.  I've noticed that my pranas been very low, I've had too many negative thoughts and emotions, and I've even experienced brief feelings of depression.  I am grateful for keeping up my daily meditations, but have felt that doing the Sudarshan Kriya is truly a gift.  I also miss the Sandhyavandana Pooja and am looking forward to at least doing the morning Sandhya with the agni homa.  The afternoons and evenings are a little more difficult to get in, but why not at least enjoy the morning sadhana, you know?  I feel like I'm getting back to my center and will be more grounded after this evening's Long Kriya here in Dallas, TX.  I'm ready to get back to living a more settled life in the US.  I am excited about exploring Vipassana and will continue to do my Sudarshan Kriya practice during the 10 day Vipassana silent meditation retreat.  More than anything, I yearn for the day when I have truly found silence.  Silence of the mind, thoughts, and emotions.  Silence, the Shoonya, the void, the state of nothingness.  I have experienced glimpses of it, but crave to truly experience this state and just listen...from that space of nothingness.  From that space of no desires...I will leave this blog entry with the thought, how can we move from the space of the monkey mind to the space of nothing, of no  mind, where there is only space and listening.  That silent state of samadhi or Ananda.

Excited about stating the next phase of my journey...

Peace, Love, and Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

My Last Day of the Art of Living

I realized today that I am done with the Art of Living.  I cancelled my Intensive Art of Silence course and decided to discontinue my sadhana.  I'm going to attend a 10 day Vipassana meditation course in June and concentrate on my career and business.  I'll plan on traveling to Rishikesh in a year or two.  I feel that I have to find another spiritual teacher for some time.  I have had too much trouble in my sadhana and am convinced that the time has come to try something different.  I feel bad, but know that Gurudev, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, will always be in my heart, whether I get to spend the present life with him or meet him after my death.  I am ok with leaving for now and pursuing other paths that may be more conducive to where I am in my spiritual journey.  I believe it's important to find compassion and love, silence and equanimity before going too deep on the path.  I'm not sure where I went wrong, but I do know that I no longer feel free, relaxed, and motivated to pursue my sadhana.  I simply need change.  I'm going to focus on asanas and mind-body meditations.  I'll work with TM and see what I can learn from them and Vipassana.  India was too difficult of a journey.  I'm sorry that I am now having to take my sabbatical.  I wonder when I will return to the Art of Living.  I have a feeling it will be after some years.  Let's see what happens.  I realize that not all of us can be subservient and simply listen to the voice within our minds.  I hope to find harmony, compassion, and love on my new path of love and consciousness.

In love and gratitude,

An Aspiring Yogi

Spiritual Poverty vs. Abundance

I broke down today in sadhana...I'm not sure why.  I had been struggling with something very personal that involved someone else.  We'll call it my wallet issue.  So I was upset nonetheless, but found out through some unusual ways.  I, for whatever reason, did not let it go in my mind...I carried it around the way the Buddhist monk carries around his Buddhist brother's action of helping a woman by carrying her.  I finally let go.  I realized that I had punished the culprit and left him with something I was supposed to be carrying.  I truly forgave him today.  I decided to carry my own burden and have compassion for someone else.  I realized what it meant to offer love and see the victim in the culprit.  I realized what it meant to carry your own cross.  I got so frustrated with what had been happening in my mind, that I questioned the very source of my existence.  Why do we keep asking God for this or that?  Why do we keep on asking for him to reside within us?  Why do we keep asking God for favors and blessings and numerous other things?  I should simply wonder, but I sincerely ask these questions.  I don't know why I'm asking God when he resides within me.  I feel that the ultimate answer to all of these numerous never-ending questions lies deep within myself.  The answer lies in the silence within the self.  I don't know...kind of like Kena Upanishads.  I know that I don't know, but I've grown tired of constantly asking and wanting to know.  One of the spiritual wealths is called Titiksha, or forbearance.  One of my most difficult teachers once said, the only thing that separates me from you is forbearance or my willingness to stay on this path.  I find great joy in having a master, but I don't want to keep begging him for this and that. I don't feel like it's right.  I want to serve him in a positive way and lift the burden that I know he carries as he takes responsibility for the whole world.  I don't know anymore.  I feel like I'm enjoying the Kena Upanishads right now, but honestly, I really don't have any idea of why and how this world beyond the material world really works.  I don't know why at times I feel like I have the whole world and walk with a sense of amazing abundance and at times I feel like a beggar.  I don't know why I can have so much discipline in my sadhana, but abuse my diet at times.  I can only wonder and know that I don't know.  There is something much greater and beyond my imagination here.  I here my small mind at times and wonder, is it intuition or yoga maya.  I can only have compassion on the negative and smile at the positive.  May I abide in the self in equanimity...neither excited nor upset, but rather in a state of contentment and santosha.  No need to feel too happy or too sad...but rather just be in the present moment, ready and willing to selflessly serve the world.  With a love that I know will blossom from within, but I don't know yet.  Jai Guru Dev, An Aspiring Yogi

On Vairagya

It's been sometime since I've posted here.  I've since been home for a few weeks and enjoyed visiting family and friends...was nice to spend Christmas with my parents and my sister's family.  I was a little surprised to see how much my niece and nephew have grown up.  I am happy that they both still let me kiss and hug them a little.  My niece is hitting puberty, so she's not quite as comfortable anymore around her uncle (me).  My little nephew though is totally huggable and kissable...he's such a cutie!  I miss the days when they were both little and you could just pick them up and hug on them often!  So much love.  Now, though, I feel like they are still sweet, but in a more mature way...they aspire to grow up and become adults now, at least my niece does.

One thing that bothered me about my niece and nephew though, is that they, at this age, do not like or even really accept the Indian culture.  Indian culture and spirituality has so much love and belongingness and moral and ethical values, that I really hoped they would be raised with some liking of our culture, but I can see the culture fading.  My beloved Gurudev says that Human Values is what India has to offer the world....I just want my niece and nephew to imbibe these values...I feel like it's a gift from India to the world.  I convinced my niece to do the next Art of Living course, YES (Youth Empowerment Seminar), by promising her a trip to L.A.

Well, enough about family...they will do fine.  I feel that I can only take them to the well.  They have to want to drink the water of going deeper into the Self and finding contentment and joy within.  This path is truly a gift to each and every human being.  I'm grateful that the Art of Living shares the experience of spirituality and not too much dogma or religion.  The spiritual path is amazing...open to all cultures and religions.  A true gift to humanity.

What prompted me to write, is my low energy right now.  I have a slight cold and I'm also working on a very in-depth and introverted exercise, my dissertation / thesis.  I find the time alone in sadhana (spiritual practice including meditation and Sudarshan Kriya) enables me to relax into a deeper state of simply being.  There's no excitement in this space, but rather just a sense of peace and equanimity.  I do feel some separateness coming up and wonder if this is a function of ego, but at the end of the day, I'm responsible for this final document to be submitted, with no one else's help...it's not a team assignment.

I take a deep breath, a sigh as I write.  It's after 11pm and I am wide awake.  I have a feeling it's because someone I trusted deeply, surrendered to, and looked upon as a mentor failed to meet my own expectations...Gurudev, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says, "expectations reduce the joy in life."  Today, I was thinking about attending an evening event hosted by my mentor, and my intuition on two separate occasions told me not to go...I felt bad that for whatever reason, I didn't feel welcome or part of our sangha (group of people that move together).  I also felt that my requests to get more information regarding the event and invite our day students was ignored...the organizer is a younger guy and I'm honestly unsure why he didn't respond.  I feel that I drop everything to help those around me and hope to get a response, but at times, maybe because my vibe is off, I'm left alone.  I felt bad today about being / feeling how I'm feeling, but realize that I need to move with courage and valour no matter how I'm treated.  Gandhi fought the good fight for truth and humanity.  I should too.  I should move with courage and valour no matter if my mentor, the faculty and staff, or even my master, doesn't want to necessarily see me.  As is often said, "even this will pass."  No worries, I know I have my Master's Shiva Tattva, his energy field with me.  I know he's with me, regardless if I'm supposed to be in public or not.  I wonder what play of karma this is.  I wonder how people manage their emotions and well-being when they are physiologically ill...these times can be very difficult.  There's one word that comes to mind from a beautiful sacred ceremony...it's called Kevalam...meaning alone and self-sufficient.  I think this is my time to be strong, move with valour, and live as Kevalam, alone and self-sufficient.  Love & Jai Guru Dev, An Aspiring Yogi