Spiritual Poverty vs. Abundance

I broke down today in sadhana...I'm not sure why.  I had been struggling with something very personal that involved someone else.  We'll call it my wallet issue.  So I was upset nonetheless, but found out through some unusual ways.  I, for whatever reason, did not let it go in my mind...I carried it around the way the Buddhist monk carries around his Buddhist brother's action of helping a woman by carrying her.  I finally let go.  I realized that I had punished the culprit and left him with something I was supposed to be carrying.  I truly forgave him today.  I decided to carry my own burden and have compassion for someone else.  I realized what it meant to offer love and see the victim in the culprit.  I realized what it meant to carry your own cross.  I got so frustrated with what had been happening in my mind, that I questioned the very source of my existence.  Why do we keep asking God for this or that?  Why do we keep on asking for him to reside within us?  Why do we keep asking God for favors and blessings and numerous other things?  I should simply wonder, but I sincerely ask these questions.  I don't know why I'm asking God when he resides within me.  I feel that the ultimate answer to all of these numerous never-ending questions lies deep within myself.  The answer lies in the silence within the self.  I don't know...kind of like Kena Upanishads.  I know that I don't know, but I've grown tired of constantly asking and wanting to know.  One of the spiritual wealths is called Titiksha, or forbearance.  One of my most difficult teachers once said, the only thing that separates me from you is forbearance or my willingness to stay on this path.  I find great joy in having a master, but I don't want to keep begging him for this and that. I don't feel like it's right.  I want to serve him in a positive way and lift the burden that I know he carries as he takes responsibility for the whole world.  I don't know anymore.  I feel like I'm enjoying the Kena Upanishads right now, but honestly, I really don't have any idea of why and how this world beyond the material world really works.  I don't know why at times I feel like I have the whole world and walk with a sense of amazing abundance and at times I feel like a beggar.  I don't know why I can have so much discipline in my sadhana, but abuse my diet at times.  I can only wonder and know that I don't know.  There is something much greater and beyond my imagination here.  I here my small mind at times and wonder, is it intuition or yoga maya.  I can only have compassion on the negative and smile at the positive.  May I abide in the self in equanimity...neither excited nor upset, but rather in a state of contentment and santosha.  No need to feel too happy or too sad...but rather just be in the present moment, ready and willing to selflessly serve the world.  With a love that I know will blossom from within, but I don't know yet.  Jai Guru Dev, An Aspiring Yogi

On Vairagya

It's been sometime since I've posted here.  I've since been home for a few weeks and enjoyed visiting family and friends...was nice to spend Christmas with my parents and my sister's family.  I was a little surprised to see how much my niece and nephew have grown up.  I am happy that they both still let me kiss and hug them a little.  My niece is hitting puberty, so she's not quite as comfortable anymore around her uncle (me).  My little nephew though is totally huggable and kissable...he's such a cutie!  I miss the days when they were both little and you could just pick them up and hug on them often!  So much love.  Now, though, I feel like they are still sweet, but in a more mature way...they aspire to grow up and become adults now, at least my niece does.

One thing that bothered me about my niece and nephew though, is that they, at this age, do not like or even really accept the Indian culture.  Indian culture and spirituality has so much love and belongingness and moral and ethical values, that I really hoped they would be raised with some liking of our culture, but I can see the culture fading.  My beloved Gurudev says that Human Values is what India has to offer the world....I just want my niece and nephew to imbibe these values...I feel like it's a gift from India to the world.  I convinced my niece to do the next Art of Living course, YES (Youth Empowerment Seminar), by promising her a trip to L.A.

Well, enough about family...they will do fine.  I feel that I can only take them to the well.  They have to want to drink the water of going deeper into the Self and finding contentment and joy within.  This path is truly a gift to each and every human being.  I'm grateful that the Art of Living shares the experience of spirituality and not too much dogma or religion.  The spiritual path is amazing...open to all cultures and religions.  A true gift to humanity.

What prompted me to write, is my low energy right now.  I have a slight cold and I'm also working on a very in-depth and introverted exercise, my dissertation / thesis.  I find the time alone in sadhana (spiritual practice including meditation and Sudarshan Kriya) enables me to relax into a deeper state of simply being.  There's no excitement in this space, but rather just a sense of peace and equanimity.  I do feel some separateness coming up and wonder if this is a function of ego, but at the end of the day, I'm responsible for this final document to be submitted, with no one else's help...it's not a team assignment.

I take a deep breath, a sigh as I write.  It's after 11pm and I am wide awake.  I have a feeling it's because someone I trusted deeply, surrendered to, and looked upon as a mentor failed to meet my own expectations...Gurudev, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says, "expectations reduce the joy in life."  Today, I was thinking about attending an evening event hosted by my mentor, and my intuition on two separate occasions told me not to go...I felt bad that for whatever reason, I didn't feel welcome or part of our sangha (group of people that move together).  I also felt that my requests to get more information regarding the event and invite our day students was ignored...the organizer is a younger guy and I'm honestly unsure why he didn't respond.  I feel that I drop everything to help those around me and hope to get a response, but at times, maybe because my vibe is off, I'm left alone.  I felt bad today about being / feeling how I'm feeling, but realize that I need to move with courage and valour no matter how I'm treated.  Gandhi fought the good fight for truth and humanity.  I should too.  I should move with courage and valour no matter if my mentor, the faculty and staff, or even my master, doesn't want to necessarily see me.  As is often said, "even this will pass."  No worries, I know I have my Master's Shiva Tattva, his energy field with me.  I know he's with me, regardless if I'm supposed to be in public or not.  I wonder what play of karma this is.  I wonder how people manage their emotions and well-being when they are physiologically ill...these times can be very difficult.  There's one word that comes to mind from a beautiful sacred ceremony...it's called Kevalam...meaning alone and self-sufficient.  I think this is my time to be strong, move with valour, and live as Kevalam, alone and self-sufficient.  Love & Jai Guru Dev, An Aspiring Yogi