8/19/14
Amazing how one day can change by so
much...there's something about being at the ashram with the master that's
beyond comprehension. I just left Gurudev's meeting area at the ashram.
The place was magical, but most all, being right there 1x1 with the guru
was amazing. I had a chance to directly speak with Gurudev for a while.
I asked about SSU & he said to come back to him with a proposal.
I am hoping to speak with him again in September when he comes to SSU.
He also wanted me to attend the Upanayanam ceremony tomorrow & I told
him I did my thread changing (Upakarma) this year. I told him about the
journey to the river and dropping the thread in the river. I told him I
loved our campus & the river there. Kamlesh Ji was soooo sweet to
setup the time with Gurudev. There were maybe 15 of us in the room with
Gurudev, mostly senior teachers / full-timers with projects. I watched
many commercials including one with our dear Mikey on his book. There
were some really funny commercials for Art of Living Happiness program.
We even have one for Care For Children that is so sweet.
I never imagined I would get to spend so
much intimate time with the master...I still can feel the vibrations of sitting
right next to him...it was amazing. I am still in awe at the fact that I
was able to be so close to him.
Towards the end, after a few folks
received darshan, he called a group of guys up & I joined thinking I was
part of the group...later I realized I wasn't! Lol! Gurudev still
so graciously received me with so much love & never made me feel like I
wasn't part of the group. After a minute, I realized I wasn't, &
proceeded to get a warm and loving wave from Gurudev as it was time to go.
We had a great wrap-up to the Bhagavad
Gita session today. The final session was beautiful. The way Gurudev
describes the Bhagavad Gita makes you feel like Gurudev was there & can
share so many different views on the same knowledge. We had a great
Satsang this evening where Gurudev was glowing with a fan blowing his hair.
He looked magical. I fell in love all over again.
Gurudev's presence is beyond anything I
can describe...simply put, we are blessed to have him with us...I hope more
will come to treasure him as the Master, Guru, & divine love that he is.
He is that...and he's showing me that "you are that" too.
With love. Jai Guru Dev
8/18/14
So today I am not feeling too well...I
can sense my prana is very low due to some negativity flowing through the mind.
Today I had a repetitive thought of violence & I felt guilty &
ashamed because of it. I am at the Bangalore Ashram and just spent a
frustrating day here though it was nice to see Gurudev twice. I am
frustrated by just about everything from the lock that rarely opens on our room
door to the ridiculous $80/night I was charged to stay here this week...I am
about done with the constant overcharging of US internationals for just about
everything. I am growing tired of the bureaucracy & the lack of
support that I need to get basic things done like course refunds &
transferring my teacher certifications to India. I sincerely love Gurudev
so much, but am unsure why I am not in bliss / happily dancing around with
everyone at Satsang. I just don't feel like celebrating every night.
I am struggling with a herniated disc,
postural scoliosis, & a belly that doesn't feel good. All I really
want to do is go running, play ping pong, lift weights, & do my Sadhana.
I love studying and am looking forward to being back at SSU, but am
really not wanting to be back at the ashram. I don't know why...I am
beginning to wonder if it's because I have to have an honest look at myself /
if it's because I have to share my Guru. I struggle with so much
here...there's definitely a war in the mind. I struggle with waking up
early, sitting straight, eating carbs all day, eating...I wonder how I could
have dreamt up the ultimate love within a nightmare....I wonder when this dream
gets happier & my prana level begins to stay high.
I feel the ashram is simply put,
stressful...there's no silence & the accommodation is simply uncomfortable.
There's excitement with Gurudev, but I don't feel peaceful all the time.
I think I just simply need a break from
the Guru. I like his company in more intimate environments, but also
simply like my own company. I would love to be truly close to him, but am
unsure how when my mind is acting like a crazy guy that he & his closest
ones probably want to keep me away from...
I can only wonder...wishing for peace,
happiness, equanimity, & dispassion. Hoping to find some peace in
this crazy dream I am having...may I wake up & realize the ethereal
existence & meet the self.
Love & Jai Guru Dev,
A burned out devotee...
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