I am now approaching nearly 2 years away from my in-depth
gunner approach to spirituality. I was a
die-hard Brahmacharya, wearing my mala beads, sporting my beard, and dressed up
in the kurta pajama of an aspiring yogi on the outside, but on the inside it
was a different story. On the inside, my
mind was racing, my emotions dominated me, and I lacked any clarity of
mind. I had no control over my thoughts
&/ emotions. I felt the racing
mind…I sometimes joked that my mind / thoughts / mental state was like
Rainman. I realize now that depth in
yoga begins with the internal state of mauna, or silence. I remember an exam question from my MA
program in Yoga and the question was alluding to the journey from the external
to the internal. I don’t remember the semantics,
but I do remember the point. The point
is to go inwards, to dive within the mind, the silence, the self…to go deeper
in yoga beyond this physical reality. I
can’t believe I moved so far away from yoga and pretty much completely returned
to worldly life, to a life free of the desire for liberation, for
self-realization. I literally went back
to smoking, drinking alcohol, working out, and chasing women. I began focusing on money, my image, and
women. I knew that this pursuit was devoid of any depth, any yoga, but I
realized after nearly two years, that I had become quieter, that I had left
Rainman behind…gratefully. I know that
in another few years, I’ll likely write about this again and become a witness
to the progress that has taken place, but for now, I feel that the progress, as
difficult as it was, was monumental, was worth all of the pain, the trials and
tribulations, the anger, frustration, and sorrow that accompanied this
treacherous journey. I don’t know what
lies ahead, but then again, do we need to?
Can I simply be present to this moment?
Can I become a witness to this ever present moment free from any desires
/ goals regarding the future? Can I
simply abide in now regardless of what may / may not happen in a month, a year,
or even 10 years. So what? I don’t know.
What I do know is that this moment exists. I am here.
I am now. I am this moment.
How do we become comfortable abiding in this moment? How do we become this ever-present
moment? How do we let go of this desire
to understand what’s happening in the present moment? How do learn to simply let go. As I recently heard, “take out the trash…the
trash is in here” as Socrates points to the young student’s head in Peaceful
Warrior.
There’s a certain freedom that comes from letting go of this
worldly life, this desire to be with others, to have money, materialistic
wealth, prestige, romantic partners, or even company. I read Sivananda today and realized the value
of abiding within, of being with the self, alone and self-sufficient, but at
the same time letting go of the ego, desires, and pain / pleasure
identification.
I wonder now how to become free of pride, prejudices, and
that feeling of judgement. How do we
become free of negativity. Really, how
do we simply become a witness to all of these random thoughts, emotions, and
“words” that come into our mind? I
believe the first two chapters of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras deal with overcoming
the small mind. I believe we can spend
lifetimes tackling this small mind of ours.
I believe to overcome this small mind is to find silence, true silence.
I now realize why the advanced course is called The Silence
Course. This is the answer…this is the
way.
Abiding in this rambling of words…
An Aspiring Yoga Dude.
