Finding Vairagya

Blog entry 10/25/16:

I broke it off with AD this evening.  I felt betrayed when she committed to taking the HP program and doing SKY, but then backed out.  I was very attracted to her & would have likely continued dating her, but have since decided to turn my senses more inwards & focus on the path for some time.  I feel as though I am going through some sort of a transformation & cleansing, but I am unsure & uncertain of what the outcome is.  I hope to one day experience true silence in the mind.  I feel that it would be amazing to simply listen from a space of silence.  I no longer feel the need to date someone / chase after some material object.  I want / desire to abide in Patanjali's Ashtanga Yoga.  I want to live the Yamas & Niyamas, no matter what has to be suppressed / repressed, until Gurudev says otherwise.  I am uncertain of what the future holds, but know that I feel more established in yoga living by Patajali's prescription.  I can only abide in the present moment & keep a sankalpa for Santosha...to be contended in this present moment without hankering for any desire in the future.

With devotion to living as a yogi.

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

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Blog entry 10/13/16:

I walked my street today and when I looked up at the sky I thought about how all of this is so transitory, almost meaningless.  I thought about how it feels to chase after what doesn't really exist...the nature of our desires seems so fleeting, like they really don't exist...they are ever-changing.  I recently heard a saint say that Spirituality is the highest luxury.  I agree.  The highest happiness is in self-realization, being in love...realizing we are love.  Realizing that there is truly no other, there is just this field of energy called love.  This state of love is said to be 1,000 times greater than the pleasure from sex.  I can't imagine that state, but feel that it exists.

More importantly, I feel that even the desire for sex is fleeting & temporary...it's meaningless.  The ultimate meaning is in love, in service, in uplifting humanity & realizing our own true self, the only true self, the Purusha, the Atma, the truth.

This seems like such a waste of time traversing the maya, this worldly life, but I feel like it's necessary for some time.

I long to be by the Ganges meditating, doing yoga, sadhana, & sharing the gift I have with others that travel this path of grace.  I long to be in Rishikesh.  I used to long to be close to my beloved, but now feel that he simply exists as the air I breathe...why limit him to the body?  He is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent.  I like to believe & have faith that a Siddha encompasses these traits.

I return to the street light, the power lines, & the moon far off in the distance & think to myself, this is just a glimpse, it's just a glimpse...there is something much more profound out there, we are simply sleeping through it.

I hope to one day wake up to it...what is it?  What is that?  He says, you are that.

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi