Spiritual Poverty vs. Abundance

I broke down today in sadhana...I'm not sure why.  I had been struggling with something very personal that involved someone else.  We'll call it my wallet issue.  So I was upset nonetheless, but found out through some unusual ways.  I, for whatever reason, did not let it go in my mind...I carried it around the way the Buddhist monk carries around his Buddhist brother's action of helping a woman by carrying her.  I finally let go.  I realized that I had punished the culprit and left him with something I was supposed to be carrying.  I truly forgave him today.  I decided to carry my own burden and have compassion for someone else.  I realized what it meant to offer love and see the victim in the culprit.  I realized what it meant to carry your own cross.  I got so frustrated with what had been happening in my mind, that I questioned the very source of my existence.  Why do we keep asking God for this or that?  Why do we keep on asking for him to reside within us?  Why do we keep asking God for favors and blessings and numerous other things?  I should simply wonder, but I sincerely ask these questions.  I don't know why I'm asking God when he resides within me.  I feel that the ultimate answer to all of these numerous never-ending questions lies deep within myself.  The answer lies in the silence within the self.  I don't know...kind of like Kena Upanishads.  I know that I don't know, but I've grown tired of constantly asking and wanting to know.  One of the spiritual wealths is called Titiksha, or forbearance.  One of my most difficult teachers once said, the only thing that separates me from you is forbearance or my willingness to stay on this path.  I find great joy in having a master, but I don't want to keep begging him for this and that. I don't feel like it's right.  I want to serve him in a positive way and lift the burden that I know he carries as he takes responsibility for the whole world.  I don't know anymore.  I feel like I'm enjoying the Kena Upanishads right now, but honestly, I really don't have any idea of why and how this world beyond the material world really works.  I don't know why at times I feel like I have the whole world and walk with a sense of amazing abundance and at times I feel like a beggar.  I don't know why I can have so much discipline in my sadhana, but abuse my diet at times.  I can only wonder and know that I don't know.  There is something much greater and beyond my imagination here.  I here my small mind at times and wonder, is it intuition or yoga maya.  I can only have compassion on the negative and smile at the positive.  May I abide in the self in equanimity...neither excited nor upset, but rather in a state of contentment and santosha.  No need to feel too happy or too sad...but rather just be in the present moment, ready and willing to selflessly serve the world.  With a love that I know will blossom from within, but I don't know yet.  Jai Guru Dev, An Aspiring Yogi