The Door of Maya

 

I had just finished a few rounds of Om Nama Shivaya Japa and I looked out the window.  I saw the hallway light's outline of the bedroom door in the reflection of the window.  What does this door, that appears in the mind's eyes to exist, but does not.  Isn't that like most of life?  We are chasing after goals and dreams and worried about what does not exist, and rarely are we present to this moment realizing that the future does not exist right now.  We are looking out the window into the future, concerned about some event that does not exist...so far away from the reality of this moment.  Our minds are dreaming of some time after now or after I do this or after this happens constantly robbing ourselves of right now.  We rarely seem to abide in now.  Why is that?  Why can we not abide in the present moment?  What's so glorious about the past / future?  I catch myself in this maya, this nonexistent moment.  I am often looking out the glass window at some door that does not exist; some moment that does not exist right now, instead of abiding in God's room, quite literally.  We have a room with a Mandir (Indian temple) and I like to do my sadhana in it.  How can we be in complete contentment in this moment?  We seem to be ever chasing after this imaginary door, as if some future moment will be better than right now.  If we do this, than I'll be happy.  If I work on something, than I will be happy.  If this, then that.  We will spend our whole lives chasing after some moment that does not exist...it's nuts!  And then...we die and most people are so scared to die.  I wonder why do we spend our whole lives wondering about some door that does not exist in certain fear of a moment that does not exist for now?!?  How funny is that?  We are everywhere but here right now.  As beautiful as that door is, and as beautiful as the wonder of opening that door, can we simply be contented abiding in God's room?  He's with us all the time.  He's right here, right now, but we keep mumbling to ourselves and keep running on some nonexistent hamster wheel...that literally goes nowhere, but we seem to keep striving, never really simply abiding in the nonchanging truth.  I believe this nonchanging truth begins with deep silence.  I imagine many people spend their whole life hoping to open the door, never realizing that the door does not exist outside in front of their eyes, but deep within their own essence, within themselves, completely devoid of all worldly pursuits.  Buddha was said to have been enticed in every way before he became enlightened.  He almost died and in that near death he must have experienced silence.  He found his way of defending himself from life's cravings and aversions.  He found his truth, his essence.  He stopped looking at the door that doesn't exist and turned inwards.

A New Car / Partner?

I feel an overwhelming sense of desire / hankering for some material good.  I keep looking at cars...I am unsure why I keep looking at something that I have replaced over and over again with insatiable desire.  These cars are like women.  You keep pursuing someone, you date them, get into a relationship with them, and then at some point, for whatever reason, the relationship ends, whether as boyfriend / girlfriend or man and wife.  The divorce rate is 50% in the US with 75% of children raised by single parent households.  Cars for Americans have become like their love life...we seem to change them a little too often.  Why?  What craving / desire / lust do we have that seems insatiable?  What is wrong with the beautiful, caring, reliable, attractive, loyal, and authentic vehicle that I drive now?  What’s funny is that you could say this for a partner.  What craving / desire keeps on arising?  Is there someone more attractive, someone that I’ll get along better with?  Is there someone that I’ll fight less with?  Is there someone with lower miles, more reliable, less major breakdowns, less maintenance?  As the saying goes, is she low maintenance / high maintenance?  Will I look better dating someone else?  Will I look / feel better driving another vehicle?  Why can’t we simply “row this boat we’ve chosen?”  Why do I look at women / cars?  I’ve accumulated so many impressions driving different vehicles and dating different women...which is it?  They both represent some ongoing desire that never ends...how do we become content?  Is the answer no partner, no vehicle?  Or is the answer in simply becoming full contented with what you have, who you are with?  How do we move from, this sense of craving, to contentment / santosha?  Why did I break up with my last girlfriend that I was with?  She was gorgeous, well educated, came from a good family, we got along great.  She thought our debates were fights...I had no idea we even fought.  I loved her so much, but for reason, I could not commit.  In the same sense, why is that we keep changing vehicles, homes, jobs, gurus, furniture, partners, etc.?  As Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, my Guru, said, “the mind wants something new, and the heart wants something old.”  How do we move from head to heart.  My Guru also says to work from the head and serve from the heart.  If we are to make our life as service to others, how do we abide in our hearts.  How do we become love.  How do we love people?  How do we serve them?  My favorite quote from Sri Sri, is “Give and give and give love.”  Seems easier said than done...I think he says it three times because we need to listen to it over and over and over again... 

Twisted Growth

I saw this tree on my walk a few days ago and thought about our growth as human beings.  The trunk of this tree seemed so twisted over so many years, yet appeared so beautiful in it's vast glory.  As the trunk seemed twisted, I realized the trunk still appeared straight; as though life had over several decades, taken the water out of a towel, or taken the learning out of the learned.  How do we empty our minds?  This trunk seemed to visualize the mind emptying over so many decades.  In the process of emptying, the trunk became hardened and the trunk appeared so strong and firm, able to hold the resulting massive branches and canopy that the tree carried.  This tree, as an adult over time, provided so much shade to the earth around her.

Imagine the years of growth and the shade that this tree provided(s).  The tree had such beautiful branches and leaves, with no sign of discontent.  The massive growth that occured from the trunk and the vast amount of shade that the branches provide is beautiful.  How do we provide shade and comfort to others?  How do we become lighthouses and beacons of hope for others?  How do we become so still, so firmly rooted in ourselves, that we become solid as a rock, even as our growth is twisted and hardened by years of life?

In this picture, we still are unable to truly see the vast and infinite nature of this live oak tree.  Here we can see a view of the whole tree, but do we really see it?

Here's a more comprehensive view of this tree.  You see the tree end-to-end, but do you really see the tree?  No, you only see what your mind perceives.  Your limited, small mind, only sees what is above the earth.  Do you see that this tree nourishes and takes care of so many other trees around it?  Underground?  Do you see the vast network of nodes and life underneath the earth?  Do you see the nurturing and development of other life deep under the surface of the earth?  The beauty and magic of the infinite is unseen, and cannot be fathomed or comprehended by our small minds...I can't even imagine what is really happening in concsiousness, but I imagine that this consciousness is molding life to improve, to serve, to be of selfless service to others.





I leave this space here to represent what's unseen...the truth, I believe, is far beyond comprehension...

In Love and Service,

Jai Guru Deva.

An Aspiring Yogi.

Frustrations on Unsolicited Advice

Why do we get so frustrated with unsolicited advice?  Why is that I get frustrated with my parents and my sister giving advice?  I get tired of listening to people telling me what I should do / need to do.  I feel that I find getting help when I ask for it to be helpful, but receiving unsolicited advice is taxing on the mind for some reason.  I get tired listening to someone telling me what does not necessarily resonate with the mind.  I also get tired from intermittent pain.  I can only imagine / feel compassion for the amount of pain that my father feels.  He's a strong man for perservering.  I hope he is able to better manage his pain over time / overcome it completely. 

I think when we talk about ourselves, we attract unwanted attention within our own thoughts / in the world.  I feel a sense of exhaustion when my parents / others talk to me about me.  Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says that the quickest way to get depressed is to sit and think about ourselves and say, "what about me, what about me, what about me."  He's so right...this is the quickest way to depression!  The quickest way out is sadhana &/ selfless service to others.  These seem to be the best ways...

I wonder if I'm burned out...I know people experience worldly career &/ life burnout.  I wonder if people experience spiritual burnout.  If people simply get burned out on the spiritual path.  I sense that I would like to take a year / two or more to be normal again.  I think I put too much effort and thought into spirituality.  I don't know how to really relax anymore.  I find some peace in nature, but not sure what else to do.

I find abiding in nature seems to be the most healing. 

Lots of love to others,

An Aspiring Yogi.

On Life

I witness daily life and wonder...is this it?  How do we become more selfless and help others and drop this small mind's thoughts of I, me / my.  I see my parents and wonder about how their daily life is filled with repetition.  They seem happy and their main concern is health, but I feel as though there is more.  I have a dear friend around their age, a tad bit younger, and he's thoroughly miserable and alone.  Makes you wonder.  On the one hand there's a sense of daily ritual at some level of contentment and at another level there's this loneliness and isolation in misery.  In either circumstance, one dies alone, relatively speaking.  How do we create a full life of selfless service, harmony, and creating joy for others?  ...but the small mind says, "while maintaing some sense of self."  This small minded ego still yearns for relevance and identity.  How do we surrender this ego and dissolve in absolute nothing...how do five guys / sadhus live at a temple and cease to exist?  This paradox of dissolving seems very difficult, kind of like in that movie Peaceful Warrior, when the main actor, Dan Millman, let's go of himself when he's at the top of some monument.

How do we dissolve?  How do we let go?  How do simply be present? 

In all this world's strife, amidst the world's pandemic / epidemic, people are asked to shelter in place, people are sick and dying, and we still have police brutality and demonstrations, peaceful protests, and then violent riots.  How do we stop?  How do we, as a country, become still.  How do we become human beings.  Being is the most difficult thing.  Life seems easier when doing, but near impossible in being.

Seems like the happiest people, as they age, as seniors, seem to have developed life-long friendships and social circles, seem to live this life with belongingness and connectedness, with a sense of valuing relationships:  friends, life-partner(s), children, colleagues, family, community.  This belongingness seems a little contradictory to Sannyasi...makes you wonder.

Feeling Done

I have finally reached this place where I feel smaller in prayer, Japa, yoga, and any other form of sadhana.  I wish for my spiritual journey to completely end.  I feel as though this journey will lead to suicide.  I hope that this time will end and I will pursue this in my next life.  I am truly done.  I would love to find a full-time career and find a romantic partner or wife.  I have felt deeply tortured and miserable thinking about God and realized I am not spiritually right at this time.  I gave my 100% and would prefer to remain alive vs. committing suicide chasing after enlightenment.  Suicide is worse than chasing after God.  Better to remain alive and live a worldly life and serve others vs. end this life.  I hope I will be left alone to live a normal life.  I beg of God to please stop torturing me.  I am miserable because of the torture.  I do bounce back, but I don’t want to keep going this low after these torture sessions.  I beg of God & guru, please let me lead a normal worldly life.  I promise to walk away from my spirit ambition & path.  Please help me be free of this.  Let me be worldly.

On Professionalism

I had an interview today with a major industry leader.  I had a panel interview and I think it went well.  I enjoyed meeting the folks, but deep down inside, something did not feel right.  I did not feel like I was pursuing my dharma.  Something deep inside me feels like there is something else I should be doing with this lifetime.  I feel like our time is so short.  We are here for maybe 40, 50, 100 years.  This time can fly by.  There's a doctor from Hawaii who once said, that we have a mortgage on our soul and we spend our whole lifetime paying it back.  He says that most people live their life paying off this mortgage and they keep on manipulating data.  We can spend an entire lifetime in data analysis.  This is a metaphor for a rambling mind, a mind that deals with a steady stream of thoughts vs. the thoughtless state of samadhi / simply put, nothing.  How do we achieve this state of silence?  Why is it that almost all of us spend our lifetimes chasing after everything on the outside, but ignore the inner essence of our mind.  Why is it that we keep on buying a bigger house?  This bigger house translates to professional promotions, career aspirations, jobs, investments, partners, the perfect body, even better relationships with family and friends.  This seems to all prevent us from paying off our home.  Why?  I'm so frustrated by this constant mortgage...why is it that we keep on chasing after something when our ultimate goal is nothing???  Is this the nature of our small mind?  I'm unsure how to convince my own small mind to pursue silence.  I know deep down inside the answer lies in silence.  I also know the answer lies in selfless service, but I somehow keep ending up chasing after something and I'm not sure why.  I feel like I'm reitering this point...why are we here?  Why is there insincerity and insecurity.  Why is there this constant quest to achieve something when the goal is nothing.  I believe my teacher says we have to go through three steps to enlightenment:  1) something, 2) nothing, and 3) everything.  I'm at a loss why I'm here...but I feel like it's a crossroads.  Do I keep on dealing with this inner frustration and see it through, or do I "fill up."  Time will tell.  May we simply be present to this moment and get lost in the service of others. 

Seeking silence. 

Love & Jai Guru Deva,

An Aspiring Yogi.