Random Blog Posts during a difficult year

Blog entry 7/22/17

What does it mean to be love.  Gurudev says that love is not an emotion, but your very existence.  I feel that when we are surrounded by negativity in daily life, it's nice to have loved ones around you.  I wonder how can we create a more positive atmosphere of love & caring, of positivity and sincerity.  I feel as though I am trapped in a whirlpool of negative thoughts & emotions, of physical and emotional pain and punishment.  I am unsure why this is happening, but can only assume it's for my own growth.  I told myself I would be committed to this journey until September 12th, but I am feeling burned out and disconnected from the path & Gurudev.  I feel like I came to The Art of Living Rishikesh Ashram for some rest, but now realize that my mind will follow me wherever I go.

I am ready to close this chapter of my journey and begin the next.  I am simply seeking some peace and quiet, some solitude and joy.  I love teaching and organizing courses, but this doesn't seem to be my time.  I have a feeling I'll pick it back up again in Bangalore.

I am tired, but am grateful to be here in Rishikesh on the Ganges.  I feel as though I have reached one of my bucket list destinations.  There are a handful of places I've always wanted to visit and this is one of them.  I am grateful to have reached here.  Hope to find and give love, joy, & happiness.

Love,

An Aspiring Yogi.

Blog entry 6/24/17

I spoke with my parents earlier this evening.  It was nice to speak with them, but I felt obliged to call them and paint a bull shit rosy picture of my time here...my place is a noisy town center average finish out apartment and my mind is going through all sorts of crazy shit.  Regardless, what's fascinating is that I feel like I can smile through all of it...don't get me wrong, I do feel upset for some time, but I find myself bouncing back to my center quickly and not really giving a shit / lately I've been saying "fuck" a lot, but it doesn't bother me anymore.  I find myself cussing and then simply letting it go by saying sorry to myself.  It's a strange thing, this small mind of mine.  

What I find even more interesting is that I had no one in the US that I felt I wanted to call and connect with.  There was literally no one.  Don't get me wrong, I had two amazing going away parties and I was happy to have nearly 50 people see me off, but I didn't really feel deeply close to any of them, not even my sister or her family.  I feel like I took a lot of responsibility there, but failed to build deeply connected relationships.  I think what we are all looking for is that sense of intimacy in all of our relationships.  I feel like many of my relationships in the US were based on some common interest / goal, but not on a sincere relationship with the person.  

Here in India, I feel like people are more still, and abiding in themselves.  People here seem to spend more time being and less time doing.  I feel like American life has lost the essence of human "being."  I still feel that American mindset pervading in my own view of this world.  I had two owners (Ashish & Mohit) of a great cafe sitting with me today and I could barely sit for five minutes with them, just chilling...I felt like I had to start "doing" something again...like I had to go study.

I hope to find my stride in daily life with some repetition in what I do, whether it's helping at the Ashram / teaching / whatever Gurudev wants me to do.

I feel better knowing that there's more we have to do to build more intimate connections with people...to really know them, give love to them, and build a more intimate sense of belongingness with those that cross our path in life.

I hope to share a smile with those around me, but more than anything, I hope to find intimacy in life, to find the one I've been looking for all my life, to find the self...Gurudev recently said, I paraphrase, I have come here for you to meet your soul, not your soulmate.

An Aspiring Yogi...searching for "that."

Love & Jai Guru Dev.

Blog entry 6/19/17

I am almost in New Delhi.  I can't believe just over a year has passed.  I can't believe I took a year off from my commitment to Mother India to serve & do my beloved's work.  I am finally back...almost in New Delhi 30k feet in the air.  I feel my heart opening to my Bharat Mata.

The past year was intense...painful, eventful, productive, and filled with pain & pleasure.  I enjoyed meeting new people & discovering a newfound appreciation for silence.  I didn't truly understand the meaning of Mouna, but within the past 13 months I began to value silence much more.  I began to value the Akash / the Purusha, both of which are great mysteries.  I spent the past year being able to help my parents & spend time with family & friends.  I felt like I had reinserted myself into The Matrix.  Towards the end, I was able to successfully chase my passion for teaching, but failed in desire.  I felt the feverishness of desire right before I left for India.  This made me realize that I need to strike a balance between my natural tendencies and my desire to live a life as a swami / monk.  My heart was broken for some time, but I now fully accept who I am.  My goal is 10k students that have done the Sudarshan Kriya.  For this, I know my beloved will help enable my ambition to serve him, society, & the self...to create a sea of happiness.  This seems to bring me the greatest happiness.

In the past year, I rented a house in East Austin near downtown, bought a hybrid and sold two cars.  I traveled to Costa Rica, & then to California twice.  I reconnected with cousins and my sister.  I cruised to Cozumel and remodeled two garages.

I even got a chance to almost completely remodel my father's fourplex in Austin.  I also updated several of my properties and even sold my IRA duplex.  I actually brokered a handful of large deals too...a productive year, but not one fully dedicated to my dharma.

I hope and wish to only do his work for the next 42 years and beyond.  I truly do want my life to be an expression of seva, peace, & joy.  I simply want to be close to him.

I am now off to Mussoorie to finish what I had spent two years planning for and ran away from last year.  I have now created and recommitted the space in my life to study Hindi full-time and complete the Hindi language course.

I hope to use my Hindi as needed in India.

I feel very grateful for reaching this point in my life & hope that I will be able to strike a balance in life, for Gurudev once told one of my mentors that "balance" is key...he was simply told one word, "balance."

I am arriving...and hope to bring many along the way.

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

R

Blog entry 3/1/17

I have had a rough couple of days.  These past couple of days, weeks, months, & years have made me wonder if the path is really what I want.  Do I really want to help people?  Do I really want to selflessly serve others?  Did I simply arrive at the path to overcome my own misery?  Am I so selfish that I have no desire to even be around others?  

I used to have a deep longing to know the truth, but now I honestly don't have a desire to go deeper on the path.  I kind of feel maxed out &/ burned out.  I feel that I simply want to live a normal life, a life filled with love, with a partner, with children maybe.  I don't feel love anymore.  I don't feel that I am love anymore.  Gurudev says that love is not an emotion, it's your very existence.  I don't feel that love is my everything.  I feel dejected, somehow hurt, & negative.  I feel that I have lost the juice of the Kriya & Sahaj and all I'm left with is this constant reminder that I can't relax.  I feel that I'm under some sort of a trance.  

I feel low.  I like my life, but want to experience love, want to experience something besides this small mind.  I want to experience kindness again.  It's been a few years since I've felt that bubbling enthusiasm for the path.  Instead I'm left with this constant feeling that something is wrong, someone is wrong.  Either I am the villain or someone else is being vilified.  There's no peace, joy, & love in this way of living.

I used to feel bubbling & enthusiastic love for Gurudev, but now I feel disconnected from source somehow.

I feel my good nature has left me.  Love has left me.  

I believe Gurudev would say wake up & realize you are love my dear, but it's difficult to experience this when your experience & your inner voice is the contrary.  

The love that I once knew and that motivated me into doing seva is now this inner voice of punishment & negativity constantly asking me to say sorry for each and every thought and constantly physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusing me until I have depressing thoughts.  This doesn't seem like the way to live, doesn't seem like the way to love, doesn't seem to be the way...

I'll keep searching, but will surrender this negativity to him, to the one I used to feel. I no longer feel connected to source...instead I'm left with this feeling of emptiness, this feeling of great inner sadness, this feeling of conflict as though something else should be, something else is.

I can only wonder what is, what was, and what will be...for I may not know within this year, this decade, or this life, but what I do know is that my family needs me.

May we become the beacon of hope for others.  May we find and be love to others.

As the ebbs and flows of the ocean waves and the clouds pass, so shall this life among lives...we come and go just as the waves of the ocean rise and fall...as the clouds pass, we shall too.

In search of love.

Jai Guru Dev (victory to your higher self)

Blog entry 9/15/16

Do we ever wonder if this worldly material life is not truly living...a purposeless daily grind of activities aimed at what?  Accumulating a few dollars?  I claim balance, but really where's the intensity in living a balanced life.  I once heard that a yogi is all or nothing, Gurudev playing with the idea of a beard / clean shaven.  I still believe his words resonate with life itself.  Why live a life true to the world, to the material world.  Why not spend every waking moment seeking truth?  Why not give up everything we think is important, including our pleasure, for something greater than our small minded self.  There is something here beyond comprehension, beyond this world...what is it that we're seeking?  There's something beyond this...Gurudev says "you are that" tattvamasi.  What is that?  I cal tell you, it's not this.  It's not spending these days at Lowe's & painting walls.  It's not seeking another deal.  This isn't why I came here.

I hope he tells me one day.

Love & Jai Guru Dev.

9/16/16

In memory of a dear friend.  My dear friend I had spent so many days flirting with & giving rides with on my scooter passed recently to suicide.  She was so beautiful & her external beauty often carried an internal stiffness.  I loved making her smile & feel free.  She truly was so beautiful.  She was simply so beautiful to look at, but I knew she struggled internally.  Her death is a reminder that we have so much work to do to make one another happy & lift them each day.  Our battle is not with ourselves, but rather with those struggling with depression & suicidal thoughts.  I will always miss that beautiful girl from Bengal.  My heart goes out to her.  May her soul rest in peace.  Lots of love.  Jai Guru Dev.

9/18/16

I'm listening to Sade, and I'm reminded of the many romantic comedies & romantic novels I used to love reading growing up.  I used to wonder why I loved Danielle Steel & Nora Roberts growing up.  Even I thought it was odd, but the love that was described & felt was so beautiful was so emotionally fulfilling.  I remember also exploring Eric Jerome Dickey from LA.  These beautiful novels & books made me think that love was truly everything.  As Gurudev says, all of these types of love, all combined, lead to divine love.  Why is romantic love so special?  I think it's because we get to, in one sense, have the love of our beloved, all to ourselves.  I get to experience divine love directly from another human being.  

I long, as Radha likely longed for Krishna, to honor & indulge in my lover, my love.  I long to experience that sense of depth in emotion, in longing, in experiencing not only the sensuality, but also the spirituality.  I long to worship, in a sense, the subtle & gross beauty that a beautiful woman's presence has...that feeling of gratitude, of honoring, of feeling like you have the universe in your arms, that complete sense of fulfillment within your arms & by your side.  There's something to the experience of romantic love that may very well be a subset of divine love...I don't know, but I do have this faith that the highest self-realization encompasses everything.  I still feel that romantic love helps to ground us in this worldly life until we've reached the goal.

I do love that feeling of connectedness emotionally and socially.  There's a sense of peacefulness & calm associated with having a beautiful woman by your side.  There's a sense of grounding and contentment that comes knowing that there's a woman there..."like a lovers rock" as I listen to this song.  Is it a shared struggle?  A shared longing for completion, for Kevalya.  Can another complete our incompleteness?  I do feel that we look for qualities in others where we may be lacking.  I am not sure.

I know she's out there.  There is someone who will help anchor me in this "storms of emotions."  

I would love to write about Asal, but I'm not sure yet.  She's very attractive and I've felt that she & I connect very well...I hope to have that romantic connection with her soon.  I hope to find that groundedness & anchoring with her...that feeling of connectedness when in silence, I'm simply holding her hand and we're together, that moment when we're in a crowd & I look over & nod.  That moment when I can stare into her eyes & there is no discomfort between two souls.  That moment when silence can simply be...when two souls are in a state of being.

Meeting a Sadhu in Rishikesh

Meeting a Sadhu 

August 6th, 2017

At first glance, I thought I had met this elder Indian man who looked very humble, like a Sadhu / Pundit.  I said Namaste & went on my way, not giving much thought to this realized soul, a swami & yogi among us.  We can call him Shoonya as he liked the thought of nothing.

I now write as I want to clearly articulate my thoughts and understanding of the depth of which was communicated.

On the first day of our talk, I attempted to communicate in Hindi, but the essence of what was communicated was difficult to comprehend.  Later during that discussion, the Sadhu revealed that he spent many years traveling the world & spoke excellent English.  

As I peppered him with questions, he shared from the depth of his experience, at times, I felt beyond the intellect.  

I asked about attraction and he said that it is perfectly natural and not to suppress it.  He said that in time & with maturity, these desires will go.  He said that one should not suppress his desires or this energy will explode.  I feel as though this feverishness has left me, but I still have attraction in my eyes.  He said that this is perfectly fine.

Upon ending our talk, I asked him if he was a swami and he said only on the outside, not on the inside.  I listened and wondered & then later asked him what he meant.  He said that complete and utter dispassion is what is called Vairagya.  Abiding in this energy is the goal, is becoming a Swami.  He mentioned that he had spent many years with another spiritual leader and even served in another ashram for near 20 years.  He was very close to some other master.  He left this path to seek asylum in The Himalayas near Tehri.  There he spent several days and months in silence, mouna.

He laughed and laughed from the stomach / gut, a genuine sense of joy emitting in the space, the Akash.

As we spoke more, he revealed to me that inner Vairagya is the ultimate goal.  He also discussed the Rajas of activity and doership.  I wondered how to become more sattvic in nature.

At the end of our talk, I asked him if there was anything I could bring him, & to my delight, he said honey as he had a sore throat at the time.  I was happy that I would have the opportunity to serve this sadhu.  I left feeling lighter and filled with spiritual wonder.  I later delivered the Patanjali branded honey.

Earlier on the second day, one of the ashramites was carrying food scraps from the kitchen.  He said in Hindi that he wanted to feed the mother and children next to the river.  I wondered what he meant as my Hindi is limited.  As we approached my guest room, I realized that the sadhu had asked this ashramite to offer food to the mother pig and her piglets next to my room.  I had heard some very loud pig noises from next to my window, but did not think anything of it.  I wondered why this pig was so excruciatingly loud and annoying.  In my small mind, I wondered why we have loose pigs running around in Indian towns.  The sadhu next door to me, instead realized that these pigs were starving and were trapped due to high water levels in the river.  The ashramite wondered if he could enter my room, and the sadhu said that he (me) is a teacher, so there is no need to worry about the ashramite entering...I thought this was very sweet.  I gladly invited the ashramite in to feed the family of pigs and I left for a WIFI cafe in Rishikesh somewhere.  Later I realized my own selfishness.

On the second day we met, the sadhu was casually sitting and enjoying the day.  I sat and exchanged some pleasantries and we began to discuss spirituality.  He said that even if you want to remain in the world, aspire to be a sadhu within, renouncing the world and all of it's trappings.  He said something that inspired me.  I asked him how we can overcome the comfort and trappings of the material world and he said that this must be an inner calling.  He said that one day he had all of the luxuries of the material world including transportation via A/C car, money in his pocket, & offers from many people to start schools / programs around the world.  He even had several marriage proposals.  Internally though, none of these things brought him happiness, and on one fine day, he completely dropped it and left without even a penny in his pocket.  He renounced even the comforts of his spiritual path & guru, his position and comforts / luxuries that came along with it to beg & become a sadhu.  He went from 87kg to 56kg within 3 years.  He gained physical vitality and slept for 5 hours wherever he could each day.  He meditated and found solace in abiding in the self.  After several years as a sadhu, he came down from Gangotri &/ Tehri when Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar contacted him.  He visits the ashram from time-to-time.  He lives on one small serving of daal (lentil soup) & rice per day.

One funny story he shared was when some visitors came to visit the ashram and they started asking him for all sorts of basic necessities.  He even cooked for them.  They thought he was the security guard and by the end of their stay, realized he was a Swami and took blessings / darshan from him before leaving.  I remember having a similar experience at the Bangalore Ashram.  When Kashi Bhaiya first started teaching our one-month-long Vedic Wisdom course, I kept wondering when this young man would leave and the real elder teacher / Swami would arrive to take our course...little did I know I would have the honor of spending six straight weeks with one my favorite senior teachers.

The sadhu, Shoonya, shared that he found that the key to life is presence.  Your intellectual knowledge is not the answer, but rather your vibrations.  What vibrations do we carry in each and every moment?  He mentioned some famous saints and I agreed that they carry an unfathomable presence, a vibration that is pure energy, love, & joy.

As we spoke, he asked about my birthday and he said this date signifies a desire for divine consciousness and solitude.  I agreed and he mentioned the path of solitude and the time it takes to reach the goal.  He said, I paraphrase, "why not go into solitude, meditate, realize your self, and then come back to share what you've found with others?"  I wondered about this and surrendered it to Gurudev.  I still have a desire to find my own inner peace, my own silence, & reach self-realization in the Himalayas somewhere, but feel that this is not what Gurudev wants for now.  I surrender to Gurudev and he has specifically asked me to come to the Bangalore Ashram for seva.  The Himalayas will have to wait for some time / some lifetime.  

He shared about some different techniques he learned and how he spent time learning Osho's techniques like dynamic meditation back in the 80s.  He mentioned reading over 50 books by Osho.  I told him that as I was fully devoted to Gurudev & that I decided against learning other techniques.  Gurudev once said that if you go spiritual shopping then it's like digging several wells, but never reaching water.  One of my mentors, my teacher training teacher and first blessings teacher once said that, even after 25 years, Gurudev had told her that she's only experienced a drop in the ocean of consciousness.  There is so much to learn and experience on this path, the field of consciousness is truly infinite.

As my conversation with this sadhu ended, I asked him how he felt about being here now?  He said that he felt a great sense of inner happiness and joy.  He said that after 40 years on the path, he felt that his Prarabdha Karma was done and he could abide in sanyas (sanyasi is the fourth and final ashrama / stage of life).  He said that he felt no desire to teach / become part of any organization / start any organization.  He reminded me of when Swami Rama left his Shankaracharya post in search of solitude.  It was only after several years that Swami Rama decided to create the Himalayan Institute.

The lingering question I feel for many like Swami Vivekananda and Swami Rama, is, did they leave in complete peace & samadhi while building their spiritual communities?

I leave this time with the sadhu wondering and inquiring about two things; how can I cultivate complete inner dispassion, vairagya, and how can I be an authentic sadhu from within.

With Love.

Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi 

From Misery to Magnanimity

Since late February, I had trouble sleeping and wasn't sure of who / what the cause was...I had finally started taking Melatonin...a high enough dose to ward off jet lag.  I was finally able to get 6 to 8 hours of sleep.  I still felt really tired at times and was not able to actually do push-ups / any substantive workouts except for the treadmill.  Due to neck pain and possible disc herniations on both sides of my neck, I also had not been running in a long time.  Regardless, I was still able to get an endorphine release during a long outdoor two hour walk and it felt amazing...I still got to experience glimpses of happiness.

On March 16th, I picked up an old timer & silence course participant, Charlie Nelson.  Charlie seemed really nice and we shared a rooom at The Sheraton near the silence course venue in San Antonio.  Just the day before / day of, one of my favorite Guru chasers, Preetyji, called and said she's coming to Austin, so I told her she could stay with me & we would get to meet Gurudev at the Austin airport on March 17th.  At midnight on March 16th, I picked up Preetyji and we headed back to my home.  I made her guest bed & attempted to ensure she was comfortable.  I really enjoy her company and felt like an old friend had joined me.  We've been dear friends since the the first time I met her at a Long Kriya follow-up a few years ago.  On March 17th morning at 11:45am, Preetyji & I headed to the Austin International Airport and we arrived early, but exactly just in time to meet Gurudev as he was coming down the escalator.
At that moment, I saw Gurudev and I said Hi & Jai Guru Dev.  He replied and I felt his joy & presence immediately.  Gurudev quickly moved through the crowd and was whisked off in someone's car right outside the airport.

Preetyji & I quickly hopped in my car & the next thing I knew we were one of maybe five cars on a trip to San Antonio.

I could immediately feel the joy & enthusiasm of being close to my teacher, my master, my beloved Gurudev.

As we got close to Gurudev's Hilton hotel and the course venue, I dropped off Preetyji so she could scope out Gurudev's hotel room & I parked the car.  I quickly made it up to the 21st floor and found a whole group of devotees waiting outside to meet Gurudev.  Within an hour or two, we were inside Gurudev's hotel living room and then he came out.  He walked around and before I knew what was happening, he looked at me and said, "did you hear about the award that Sri Sri University received."  Before I could think of what I was saying, I simply said, "I know Gurudev...I want to do seva at SSU."  He smiled and continued giving Darshan...Preetyji looked at me as if I had just won the lottery!  I was so happy to know that he  really knew me.

After some time, I helped Preetyji get settled into her room and I hit the sack.  The next morning, we heard that Gurudev was going to Uvalde to visit the Sri Sri Texas Ashram.  I was excited at another road trip and Preetyji and I were among just two or three other cars following Gurudev.  I pulled up behind a black BMW and was bumped to behind a white BMW X5.  I was still elated to get to guru chase to Uvalde.  I was happy to see Sage and the new French Canadian ashramites.  We got to see Judith and Run Singhji at the ashram.  They all looked great.  Ashram life and Shankara products seemed to treat them well.  I was happy that Gurudev decided to meditate with us.  There were so many people at the ashram before we even arrived.  We ended up meditating with Gurudev for a while in the small meditation hall at the ashram...felt like an hour of pure bliss.  We then went off to eat lunch as Gurudev went inside to rest.  I was happy that Gurudev was taking more rest.  Gurudev seems to have a very hectic schedule.  I would do anything to make him more comfortable.

After lunch, Gurudev announced that he would return to San Antonio.  We quickly piled up in several cars and headed back to San Antonio.  The Guru chasing ensued.

That evening we had an amazing satsang with so many questions answered.  We meditated again with Gurudev.

The next day we prepared to head to Austin for the evening Meditation 2.0 event.  Gurudev got checked into the venue hotel, The Hyatt Regency on Lake Austin.  Preetyji & I got a chance to see Gurudev in his Kutir and receive Prasad, a sweet / food offered by the divine.  I somehow miraculously was fed amazing food during this whole time.  In one way / another, Preetyji & I were offered one meal, lunch / dinner / breakfast, almost every day.  That Monday afternoon, we all got busy with preparations for the evening event.  The evening event was a grand success.  Almost 1,000 people came and surprisingly, several of the people I invited ended up coming...all his grace.  I was so happy that my family was there.  After the successful event, we went upstairs to spend more time with Gurudev.  By 10:30pm or so, we headed home to my place in East Austin.  At around 3am, we received an urgent seva call and we headed to the hospital.  I felt grateful that we had a medical doctor, Preetyji, to look after one of our long-time devotees close to Gurudev.  Such is the nature of our beloved, that as soon as he heard she was not feeling well, at 3am, he went to visit her, give blessings, & state that she would be better after going to the hospital.  The ambulance whisked her away and we followed in the car.  Within an hour or two, things settled down.  Preetyji stayed back in the hospital to be there and support Aunty.  The next day, we were up and running after just a few hours of sleep and we headed to the airport to see Gurudev off.  We all got to see Gurudev.  As I was taking Gurudev's luggage to his plane, the airline staff took over & Gurudev stopped me and something very special happened that changed my life...a true sacred secret.  I hope this sacred secret grows over time.  These special moments with my beloved are beyond words.  I left that time thinking I would see Gurudev in India in late June or November, but then something happened...Gurudev's flight was delayed and he decided to return and spend one more night with us in Austin.  I couldn't believe our good fortune.  I felt bad for the devotees in Montreal, but we were so excited at our good fortune.  So many of us were able to dry our tears (Shraddhaji & I were crying) as Gurudev walked back from the airplane!  That evening, Gurudev checked into this beautiful hotel called The Granduka & we celebrated with a beautiful musical evening in Ushaji & Raghuji's home.  The next morning, as I walked into Gurudev's hotel room, Gurudev served me breakfast...it was amazing getting served by the Master.  I had the most delicious upma ever!  Gurudev lovingly looked at me and he kept on serving me more and more upma.  I lovingly accepted and felt like a dream had been fulfilled.

Later on that day, Gurudev left from the airport and we all waved our final goodbyes.  I felt so lucky to have spent so much intimate time with Gurudev.

His visit was an amazing blessing that has changed my life...I am no longer wondering about the future / ambitious about serving him.  I now know my life is simply dedicated to his work, his service.

As Yoga Vasistha states, for a completely opened mind, may 50% of your time be devoted to service to the Guru and the other  50% be in studying the scriptures with Vairagya as your constant companion.  I hope to one day find complete fulfillment in this spiritual prescription.

With his love as my constant companion...

Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

Seeking Peace

Ever wonder what it takes to find peace?  The deeper I go down the rabbit hole, the more I realize that having peace of mind at all times is essential.  Not to get too excited or depressed about any outcome...rather remain in equanimity.  I used to spend so much time thinking about attaining Nirvakalpa Samadhi as described in our yoga textbooks during my studies at Sri Sri University, but now I simply want to abide in my beloved's heart.  I want to abide in his mind, subtle body, and soul...to live within his paramatma, within the Shiva Tattva.  This path can be filled with many obstacles and potholes.  I find that the key here is that even without basic human instincts like food, sex, sleep, and fear, can we transcend our base human existence to achieve higher levels of consciousness or awareness and equanimity?  In Yoga Vasishta, one of the sages tells Rama to simply realize the maya, the illusion which is pervading our obvious and gross reality, kind of like the Matrix.  How do we transcend this worldly life?  How do we learn to let go?  How do we learn to accept situations as they are?  How do we learn to be contented regardless of our circumstance?  Even as someone is whispering in your ear, making you feel small, can we simply move with friendliness, compassion, and forgiveness.

My nephew today taught me an invaluable lesson.  He told me that even when his sister starts insulting him and calling him names or hurting him, he doesn't respond.  His Mom told him to fight back and learn to defend himself, but my nephew doesn't feel any need to give it back.  He doesn't want to attack his antagonist.  He simply offers silence and his innocence.  I believe he silently offers friendliness, compassion, and forgiveness.  Gurudev reminded me of this knowledge point when I was in Costa Rica with him.  He told a small group of us the story of Buddha and the father.  When the Buddha was alive over two thousand years ago, the children of this very successful business man became his devotees.  The children would spend hours and days engrossed in meditation with The Buddha.  One day, the father got very mad and came to the monastery and approached the Buddha.  When the business man came in front of Buddha, the business man and father spat on Buddha with anger.  Some of the devotees and discilpes looked on in anger and became agitated.  Buddha simply maintained his small smile and offered no reply or response to the angry business man.  The business man stormed off and Buddha asked the devotees and disciples why they were aggravated?  We must not let anyone else take away our groundedness and center.

That night, the business man could not sleep.  He was engulfed in anger and sorrow.  The next day he approached The Buddha and weeped in tears.  As he apologized to Buddha, Buddha simply asked him why are you apologizing to me?  The business man said that he was apologizing for coming yesterday and spitting on Buddha.  Buddha in response, simply said, that person is no longer here.  Gurudev says, everything is changing.

Are we here?  Are we grounded and centered?  I wonder how often are we offering Maitri (friendliness), Karuna (compassion and kindness), and Shama (forgiveness).  His Holiness, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, lovingly called Gurudev or Guruji, recently shared these points during his commentary on Ch. 12 of the Bhagavad Gita.

With honor and respect, faith and grace.

Love and Jai Guru Dev.

An Aspiring Yogi

On the Path...

I write this as I ponder and wonder about one of my TTC batchmates that has become bored of teaching and doesn't really feel the energy / sattva and joy from teaching, satsangs, kriya, and the sangha anymore.  At first, I rejected the thought, but then realized that as an outward expression, I may also appear to live a similar lifestyle, with some ups and downs, but the ultimate recharge is being with Gurudev.  Being in knowledge and living with his love is the ultimate.  Just seeing him recharges us so much.  Teaching, I feel, allows us to live the knowledge and learn as we teach.  I learn so much in just preparing for a course.  I also feel the sattva increasing as we help others feel uplifted.  I feel like we have such a major responsibility to the world to share this sacred and blessed gift of healing.  Imagine a world in which near 50% of the population lives in depression &/ some form of mental anguish that prevents them from being happy.  I feel that the Sudarshan Kriya is the ultimate gift to humanity.  I feel that the more people we can reach and share this precious knowledge & experience with, the better.  There is so much work to do for society.  I once heard that as we move from this individual sense of existence to a greater sense of sangha or community, we learn to move as a sangha or group.  I've noticed that the energy we experience moving as a group is profound.  There seems to be a blessing that comes over the students and teacher when we move as a group.  I aspire to share the Sudarshan Kriya every day in a group setting.  I aspire to one day create an Art of Living community somewhere in the world.  The peace, joy, and love that we experience is profound.  I used to feel this energy from other teachers and relished in this energy, this sattva; but now I aspire to share this energy and be this source of love for others; to truly be selfless...to allow others to abide in me.  After so many years, I have realized the value of being a source of empathy, joy, and peace for others; to be an anchor for others to hold on to.  As I go deeper in the knowledge, I realize this is becoming less of me and more of him.  I used to pray every day after morning sadhana and would simply ask him,
"may I be a hollow and empty instrument of the divine
 from a space of love, may I uplift and bring comfort to others
 may he use me, be me"

There's so much more to my prayers, but the more I wonder, the more I realize that this vessel, this mind and body, is much more of the divine, and much less of me, myself, and I.  At one level, I feel responsible for my material life, worldly responsibilities, and other worldly obligations; but at a much deeper level, I feel a greater responsibility for this world, for the good and the bad.  I feel sad at crimes against humanity; but happy at progress when I see someone helped and uplifted.  At a macro-level, I feel that we are in the Kuli yug.  At a micro-level, I see the opportunity to bring smiles onto peoples' faces every day, every moment.  I see the opportunity to be of service.  As I go deeper in this knowledge, I can only wonder at the immense responsiblity that will flow through this vessel.  I believe he is preparing us for an eternity of service to help others, to be of service.  This, I feel, is my dharma.

Love is our existence...there is nothing else...the "else" are simply distortions of love.

You are love...you are that.

Jai Guru Dev

Pura Vida

Pura Vida:  The Pure Life

Oct 13th, 2016

I got a Facebook message around Thanksgiving from a dear friend of mine, KR, from Costa Rica.  We dated several years ago & she's now happily settled in Costa Rica with her boyfriend, Travis.  She had the oddest request.  She wanted to know if I could bring some used car parts from the US to Costa Rica.  I thought about it & initially thought to say no, but then decided I could use a short break.  She booked a flight for me and we had to reschedule the flights due to the parts not arriving in time. We finalized the dates & Karen told me that Sri Sri Ravi Shankar would be in Costa Rica.  I was conflicted at the time, but thought I would go to Costa Rica regardless.  As the date drew closer, I felt that Karen was taking care of everything including going to two events hosted by The Art of Living - El Arte De Vivir.  I couldn't even read the Spanish emails about Gurudev in San Jose, Costa Rica.  I was initially detached & skeptical about meeting Gurudev in Costa Rica, but somehow everything lined up.  In reflection, I know this all came together as the divine's plan.  

My Dad's birthday was on the 7th of December.  I came in to Houston on the 6th & spent a wonderful day finishing up my father's Man Cave Garage & having dinner with his best friends.  My Dad actually ended up finishing his Grande Margarita and ended up a little tipsy on his 72nd birthday.  I realized the power of being in conscious awareness and the gift of equanimity.  Gurudev says that every human being has the birth right to being happy & uninhibited.  Why do we need alcohol / drugs to  be uninhibited?  One of my favorite senior teachers from India, Bawa, says that people drink to escape their ongoing stressful state of mind.  When we move from stress to happiness, we no longer need alcohol / drugs to escape our state of mind / feel relaxed.  We are simply stress-free & happily uninhibited!  

On the 9th of December, after sufficient advice from my parents on international travel (sarcasm injected here), I left for Costa Rica.  I arrived at the airport to meet KR and Travis.  I immediately felt connected with KR and was happy to meet her boyfriend, Travis.  We headed into the city and checked into this eclectic and local hotel in the middle of San Jose.  The hotel was beautiful and only ran $20 - $42 per night depending on if you wanted a shared / private bath...I experienced both!  The breakfast was absolutely amazing with so many varieties of fresh fruits & vegetables.  I ate and loved the staple red beans and rice & plantains.  I indulged in fresh watermelon, papaya, beets, eggplant, & other exotic fruits & vegetables.  I felt spoiled!

We ended up traveling most of the day seeing San Jose and the rain forests / countryside.  We visited this amazing yoga retreat center where I'm hoping to teach a 5 day residential Sri Sri Yoga & Happiness Program.  We bought many fruits including my favorite lychees.  

That evening I started getting nervous about seeing Gurudev the next day after many months.  I was both nervous & excited about seeing Gurudev on the 11th evening.  After we meditated, I said my goodbyes to KR and Travis as they were leaving that morning.  That morning I meditated some

more and prepared to meet Gurudev at 4pm in San Jose.  I got there two hours early and helped however I could.  At around 4:30pm, I couldn't believe it.  I was seated maybe 4 rows from Gurudev.  I saw him and finally locked eyes and felt the love you can only feel when you are reunited with your Guru, your master, your beloved.  I felt so happy and in deep love.  After the event, as Gurudev was getting up, I ran around the back & caught up with Gurudev and handed him my Mom's homemade fruit and nut Ladoos (Indian sweets in the shape of a ball).  I said, "Gurudev, my Mom made these."  The next thing I knew I was walking right alongside Gurudev and no one else was next to him...and then it happened.  I thought, what do I say?  I came right next to him and I said, "Hi Gurudev, how are you?  Gurudev, I want to serve you full-time.  How can I best serve you?  Should I go back to India, Sri Sri University, or take courses in the US?"  He told me what I needed to hear as we were walking through the rain and someone handed me the umbrella to hold over Gurudev and I.  Can you believe I held an umbrella over my beloved's head and my whole life he's been holding an umbrella over mine?  It felt amazing.  What my Gurudev has given me for lifetimes, I was able to do for maybe 30 seconds.  As we approached his car, he asked me if I was coming to Boone and I said "yes, absolutely."  He said we would speak more then.  As Gurudev closed the door, I asked him to please eat the Ladoo (such a dork...it's all I could think of as it's what my Mom wanted).

I felt so happy & completely blissed out.  I was walking on Clould 9.  I couldn't believe I would see Gurudev the next morning for a leadership forum with a small group of maybe 100 people.  I went to bed so happily after sharing my joy with my extended Art of Living family.  As I sent WhatsApp messages, I was reminded of what Gurudev says (I paraphrase), "When you see a movie, do you keep it to yourself / share your joy with others?  You tell others to see the movie you loved.  You want to share your joy."

The next morning, I arrived at the San Jose Holiday Inn at 7:45am.  I registered and quickly got a 3rd row seat close to Gurudev.  At around 8:30am, Gurudev walked in.  I felt like Gurudev was looking at me the whole time.  I felt so much love.  His eyes just melted my heart.  I thought he ruined it for me...no other love can compare in this world.  Gurudev says that the love of the divine is a thousand times greater than all forms of love combined, the love of your parents, your siblings, your children, your spouse, boyfriend / girlfriend.  I felt like I had  entered the perfect moment...at that present moment, there was nothing else I wanted to do and nowhere else I wanted to be.  There was no amount of pleasure / money / status that could replace the perfect moment with my Master.  

Towards the end of the event, I had become friends with the lady next to me, Ana Cristina.  She had done the Happiness Program and a Silence Course in Costa Rica.  As the event closed, I encouraged her to meet Gurudev closely.  As we were leaving, I nudged her towards Gurudev and as she drew near, she ended up getting photos with Gurudev!  I was so happy that she had the opportunity to be close to him.

As I was leaving the hotel, I was struggling to get my Uber ride back to the hotel.  The previous night, I had felt a little conflicted at not bowing down to Gurudev.  I don't think Gurudev likes people touching his feet as people sometimes grab his feet and this may not feel good.  I still feel like I wanted to bow and show my honor, respect, love, & gratitude towards my beloved.  Within a minute, as I was walking back to the hotel after missing my taxi, it happened again!  Gurudev walked out of the hotel and right as I saw him, I bowed down, lightly & gracefully touched his feet, took my fingers that had touched his feet and placed them on my forehead and then my heart, realizing this for me was a symbol of my mind, heart and soul abiding in the Master, my beloved Gurudev.  He smiled brightly at me and I put my hands in Pranam, prayer pose.  He was whisked away by the shuttle bus from the hotel to the airport.  I felt my time with the master was a gift from God.

I am now thirty thousand feet in the air, feeling so much happiness, love, & gratitude.  I can't wait to see him in Boone.  There is no other.  He is simply helping us get in touch with ourselves, our true self.

I end this with the thought and feeling of love.  Gurudev says "Love is not an emotion, it's your very existence."  I feel that he is watering me as I blossom in love.  You are that.  Tattvamasi.

Jai Guru Dev

Finding Vairagya

Blog entry 10/25/16:

I broke it off with AD this evening.  I felt betrayed when she committed to taking the HP program and doing SKY, but then backed out.  I was very attracted to her & would have likely continued dating her, but have since decided to turn my senses more inwards & focus on the path for some time.  I feel as though I am going through some sort of a transformation & cleansing, but I am unsure & uncertain of what the outcome is.  I hope to one day experience true silence in the mind.  I feel that it would be amazing to simply listen from a space of silence.  I no longer feel the need to date someone / chase after some material object.  I want / desire to abide in Patanjali's Ashtanga Yoga.  I want to live the Yamas & Niyamas, no matter what has to be suppressed / repressed, until Gurudev says otherwise.  I am uncertain of what the future holds, but know that I feel more established in yoga living by Patajali's prescription.  I can only abide in the present moment & keep a sankalpa for Santosha...to be contended in this present moment without hankering for any desire in the future.

With devotion to living as a yogi.

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

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Blog entry 10/13/16:

I walked my street today and when I looked up at the sky I thought about how all of this is so transitory, almost meaningless.  I thought about how it feels to chase after what doesn't really exist...the nature of our desires seems so fleeting, like they really don't exist...they are ever-changing.  I recently heard a saint say that Spirituality is the highest luxury.  I agree.  The highest happiness is in self-realization, being in love...realizing we are love.  Realizing that there is truly no other, there is just this field of energy called love.  This state of love is said to be 1,000 times greater than the pleasure from sex.  I can't imagine that state, but feel that it exists.

More importantly, I feel that even the desire for sex is fleeting & temporary...it's meaningless.  The ultimate meaning is in love, in service, in uplifting humanity & realizing our own true self, the only true self, the Purusha, the Atma, the truth.

This seems like such a waste of time traversing the maya, this worldly life, but I feel like it's necessary for some time.

I long to be by the Ganges meditating, doing yoga, sadhana, & sharing the gift I have with others that travel this path of grace.  I long to be in Rishikesh.  I used to long to be close to my beloved, but now feel that he simply exists as the air I breathe...why limit him to the body?  He is omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent.  I like to believe & have faith that a Siddha encompasses these traits.

I return to the street light, the power lines, & the moon far off in the distance & think to myself, this is just a glimpse, it's just a glimpse...there is something much more profound out there, we are simply sleeping through it.

I hope to one day wake up to it...what is it?  What is that?  He says, you are that.

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi