On Leaving the Path

Blog entry:  

October 5th, 2017

As I set out to leave this country that I thought I would spend the remaining 40 years of my life, I realize that it's not that easy to simply let go...of a culture, a people, a way of life.  I leave with a feeling of having to let go of something that I loved, something that became a part of me, a part of him.  I realize that this was simply not my time.  I am grateful for this time to reflect on what should be a happening.  I feel as though I will return to this journey, this path in my fifties.  I hope to dedicate the next several years to finding love, maybe having a family, and achieving great worldly success.  I look forward to helping those less fortunate while working very hard in this worldly life.  I simply depart with a heavy heart.  I trust my gut and know that I have unfinished work to do in this lifetime.  I will surrender this burning desire for self-realization to a later time / life stage / life...for now is not the time.

I met a beautiful woman recently.  Every time I see her face, I feel a deep sense of connectedness that I rarely feel with another human being.  I feel a sense of emotional connectedness and a sense of space.  I remember when I was in loving relationships, I would often simply be...I would often simply be in contentment.  My third girlfriend used to imply that I was so easily contented.  I was.  I feel, as my love for my beloved Gurudev has diminished, I feel a strong desire to find romantic love.  I feel as though this was something I spent several years reading about & daydreaming about.  As I grow older, I feel a strong desire to be in a loving and emotionally connected relationship with a woman vs. simply pursuing my own physical pleasures.  I feel as though a life partner would be joyful.  I feel peaceful alone, but I know there's a greater joy in having a life partner.  I now realize that this life partner is someone to serve, to listen to from the space of silence, someone to care for and cherish, and someone to share the joys & sorrows of life.  I feel as though a life partner would offer depth and balance in an otherwise turbulent mental, spiritual, and physical existence.

September 19th, 2017

Today, I let go being a meditation teacher.  I just smoked shisha.  My next stop is Social for a beer.  I am finally done.  My time ran out.  As I took this plunge to protect my life, I apologized to my spiritual teacher and knew I had to take a break.  I know my time ran out...I hope to find another way in time.  For now, I am simply here, now, & in this moment...here, alone, & still alive.  I will survive.  I will stay alive.  I simply wanted to escape misery & being tortured.

I am grateful for the time and attention my teacher gave me.  I feel as though I had many teachers over the past 14 years.  I am grateful to my parents for having introduced me to him.  I hope to reconnect in 5 to 10 years.  For now, I will take a deep dive into this worldly life.  I feel as though this is my sincerity.  In time, I will find this peace & love I am searching for.  For now, let's party like rock stars.

September 18th, 2017

I am leaving today.  I am miserable & feel tortured.  Even as I am sick, I am not able to sleep & feel that some outside force is exerting physical pain on my body & mind.  I am not able to rest & am not able to feel any joy / happiness.  I feel depressed & want to leave.  I have reached the point where I feel like I am being used & tortured too often.  My whole body aches & I simply want an escape from this.  Just as some use drugs / alcohol to escape their stress, I will have to use drugs & alcohol to escape this feeling of being used & abused.  I have no other choice.  I am sad that Gurudev did not help me.  He simply became a witness to my torture.  I thought he would be there for me, but he wasn't.  I leave with a heavy heart.

 September 10th, 2017

In Union 

I realized today that there is really nothing that I want to do.  I mean, I don't want to do anything.  I really just want to be.  I don't want a job or to work for anyone.  I don't want to take orders or have to answer to anyone...I simply want to abide in yoga.  I really enjoy doing intro talks & taking (teaching) courses.  I enjoy my schedule of sadhana, coffee shop, & the gym.  It would be nice to mix in some seva & intro talks & maybe network with some companies, universities and other organizations in town, but for the most part, I think I'm beginning to just chill...it's almost like I'm becoming lazy, but I'm still willing to work hard for something I'm passionate about...I almost feel guilty!  

I almost teared up today when I realized that there really is nothing else I want to do...I simply want to be a yogi.  There's no money / fame / power / attention that I'm seeking anymore.  I do believe that I still want to be in love.  I used to be deeply in love with my Gurudev, but I feel more disconnected / maybe dispassionate about him now.  I don't feel like going to satsangs / even meeting Gurudev...I'm simply content in just being.  There is nothing that I really want / need from this world...

It would be nice to fall in love again.  I thought Gurudev had filled that space beautifully, but that space is empty again...maybe that space was emptied for a reason...maybe I am supposed to pursue a life partner, a wife to share my life with.  I feel as though I do have enough to provide a good life for a family...maybe this is what Gurudev wants...it doesn't really matter anymore.

For now, I'm looking forward to just chilling in Koramangala, doing the AirBnB thing, and enjoying the gym.  I'll hopefully join some organizations & maybe teach some classes in financial Independence.  I would like to do some more intro talks too, but I no longer have a burning desire to teach.  I think I'm good just being...

Looking forward to a life of being vs. doing...a life of becoming a human being.

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