In a tornado of negative thoughts and emotions

I remember back in 2000 or 2001 when I lived off of S. Shepherd near Rice University in Houston.  I remember taking time off to simply do nothing...a "staycation" before the name even came up...I wouldn't even drive my car.  I simply biked around the area for a couple of days and felt better.  I feel like I have returned to this place of deep negativity and regret that I have ended up in a space of no sadhana.  I miss the days of longing for my beloved and being happy just thinking about being close to him.  I have since left the thought of my beloved and have decided to pursue a more worldly life.  I am happier to be home in Austin, TX and have started to nest within my nice little house in East Austsin off of Bob Harrison.

I struggle each day with so many negative thoughts and emotions.  I can't describe what flows through my mind, but it's not happiness.  I feel like I've created a whole team of antagonists and this makes me sad.  I live to uplift others around me and love to see others happy.  I feel bad that so many negative thoughts are flowing through my small mind.  Why are these thoughts happening?  Why have I created a chief antagonist that seems to be my "bully" in the spiritual realm.  I feel that he verbally and physiologically abuses me.  I'm not sure why I've created this person in my mind, but I wish to be free of him.  I wish to be free of the path for some time.  I'm about to cancel my trip to see Gurudev in December and I feel bad for doing it.  I purposefully did not go to Navratri for the same reason.  I just need a break and there's too much "processing" that's happening right now.  This doesn't seem to be the way.

I hope to become free of this and reinsert myself in to the "matrix" of worldly life for some time.  I feel that it's important to find happiness in this wordly life before embarking on finding happiness in the Purusha.

I hope to one day meet my beloved again.  Until then, I hope to date an amazing woman that I've met recently in Austin and simply be happy.  I would love to be in romantic love.  I know it will happen.

I hope for everyone to be happy.  I hope for morale to be higher in this world.  I hope for the best...as my Gurudev says, "only the best will happen..."

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

On Being in Love

9/18/16

I'm listening to Sade, and I'm reminded of the many romantic comedies & romantic novels I used to love reading growing up.  I used to wonder why I loved Danielle Steel & Nora Roberts growing up.  Even I thought it was odd, but the love that was described & felt was so beautiful was so emotionally fulfilling.  I remember also exploring Eric Jerome Dickey from LA.  These beautiful novels & books made me think that love was truly everything.  As Gurudev says, all of these types of love, all combined, lead to divine love.  Why is romantic love so special?  I think it's because we get to, in one sense, have the love of our beloved, all to ourselves.  I get to experience divine love directly from another human being.

I long, as Radha likely longed for Krishna, to honor & indulge in my lover, my love.  I long to experience that sense of depth in emotion, in longing, in experiencing not only the sensuality, but also the spirituality.  I long to worship, in a sense, the subtle & gross beauty that a beautiful woman's presence has...that feeling of gratitude, of honoring, of feeling like you have the universe in your arms, that complete sense of fulfillment within your arms & by your side.  There's something to the experience of romantic love that may very well be a subset of divine love...I don't know, but I do have this faith that the highest self-realization encompasses everything.  I still feel that romantic love helps to ground us in this worldly life until we've reached the goal.

I do love that feeling of connectedness emotionally and socially.  There's a sense of peacefulness & calm associated with having a beautiful woman by your side.  There's a sense of grounding and contentment that comes knowing that there's a woman there..."like a lovers rock" as I listen to this song.  Is it a shared struggle?  A shared longing for completion, for Kevalya.  Can another complete our incompleteness?  I do feel that we look for qualities in others where we may be lacking.  I am not sure.

I know she's out there.  There is someone who will help anchor me in this "storms of emotions."

I would love to write about AS, but I'm not sure yet.  She's very attractive and I've felt that she & I connect very well...I hope to have that romantic connection with her soon.  I hope to find that groundedness & anchoring with her...that feeling of connectedness when in silence, I'm simply holding her hand and we're together, that moment when we're in a crowd & I look over & nod.  That moment when I can stare into her eyes & there is no discomfort between two souls.  That moment when silence can simply be...when two souls are in a state of being.

Losing a Dear Friend

In memory of a dear friend.  My dear friend and I had spent so many days talking.  She passed away recently to a drug overdose.  She was so beautiful and her external beauty often carried an internal stiffness.  I loved making her smile and feel free.  She truly was so beautiful.  I knew she struggled internally.  Her death is a reminder that we have so much work to do to make one another happy.  Our battle is not with ourselves, but rather with those struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts.  I will always miss that beautiful girl from Bengal.  My heart goes out to her.  May her soul rest in peace.  Lots of love.  Jai Guru Dev.

A Deeper Meaning...

Do we ever wonder if this worldly material life is not truly living...a purposeless daily grind of activities aimed at what?  Accumulating a few dollars?  I claim balance, but really where's the intensity in living a balanced life.  I once heard that a yogi is all or nothing, Gurudev playing with the idea of a beard / clean shaven.  I still believe his words resonate with life itself.  Why live a life true to the world, to the material world.  Why not spend every waking moment seeking truth?  Why not give up everything we think is important, including our pleasure, for something greater than our small minded self.  There is something here beyond comprehension, beyond this world...what is it that we're seeking?  There's something beyond this...Gurudev says "you are that" tattvamasi.  What is that?  I cal tell you, it's not this.  It's not spending these days at Lowe's & painting walls.  It's not seeking another deal.  This isn't why I came here.

I hope he tells me one day.

Love & Jai Guru Dev.

India: To go or not to go...

I'm just back from San Francisco.  I was able to spend 4 wonderful days with my beloved Gurudev, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.  I had a wonderful experience in my 24th / 25th silence course.  I really enjoyed it and am looking forward to many more.  The question that lingers in my mind is whether or not I should go back to India.  I have to remind myself what Gurudev said one evening.  He said to keep this one thing in your mind, "only the best will happen to me."  With that, I surrender this desire to know what's next in my life.  I will simply plan on living a simple, but productive life here in Austin, TX.  I'm looking forward to having whatever impact I may have on the community at large.

I feel bad about what has happened in our country over the past few days.  Two African-American men were shot while being pulled over by the police and five police officers were shot yesterday along with the shooter.  These events make me think that I'm badly needed within the US.  I have a deep love for India, but wonder if my presence is better suited to working in the US.  I feel that while I'm in the US, I'm greatly distracted by my passion for making money and brokering real estate and my desire for romantic pleasures.  I wonder if I'm simply guided here by the Yakshas vs. the Devas in India.  I wonder why my mind can be so different in two different countries.  

I am looking forward to returning back to my more dispassionate ways as a yogi, but wonder if this is right.  Am I being authentic to who I am?  Do I even know who I am?  Does suppressing desires and living a life that I think is righteous more important than searching for happiness?  Am I searching for Happiness outside vs. inside?  My beloved says that Happiness is found from within and we are love.  In fact, he says, "love is not an emotion, it's your very existence."  We are here to give love, not possess or demand love.  When we demand love, we destroy love.  I feel very strongly that we are here for something greater than chasing our own pleasure.  

This leaves me with the question, am I stuck?  Am I stuck with something small vs. pursuing my life purpose, my dharma.  

Is the recent incidents in our country indicative of a need of the hour for something far greater than our own personal selfish desires?  Do we need to surrender our own desires for the greater good of society?  Why am I not in front of the police forces and helping them boost morale?  Why am I not doing intro talks throughout our community and helping bring peace and tranquility to our community and society?  

I hope the answer will come to me.  I hope my life purpose shines through soon.  I know that I'm here for something far greater than brokering and remodeling the next duplex.  

Searching for meaning and inspiration...

Lots of love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

A Break from the Sudarshan Kriya

I can't believe it's been well over two months since I've done a Long Kriya.  I'm finally going to Long Kriya this evening after about 10 long weeks.  I took a break from the Art of Living and even my daily short Sudarshan Kriya practice for a solid month.  After I graduated with my Masters degree in Naturopathy and Yoga, I left for the Himalayas and even left that after I had struggled with many negative thoughts and emotions.  After a very deep and profound experience, I decided to return to the US to be close to family and focus on overcoming what's left of my cravings and aversions.  I've noticed that my pranas been very low, I've had too many negative thoughts and emotions, and I've even experienced brief feelings of depression.  I am grateful for keeping up my daily meditations, but have felt that doing the Sudarshan Kriya is truly a gift.  I also miss the Sandhyavandana Pooja and am looking forward to at least doing the morning Sandhya with the agni homa.  The afternoons and evenings are a little more difficult to get in, but why not at least enjoy the morning sadhana, you know?  I feel like I'm getting back to my center and will be more grounded after this evening's Long Kriya here in Dallas, TX.  I'm ready to get back to living a more settled life in the US.  I am excited about exploring Vipassana and will continue to do my Sudarshan Kriya practice during the 10 day Vipassana silent meditation retreat.  More than anything, I yearn for the day when I have truly found silence.  Silence of the mind, thoughts, and emotions.  Silence, the Shoonya, the void, the state of nothingness.  I have experienced glimpses of it, but crave to truly experience this state and just listen...from that space of nothingness.  From that space of no desires...I will leave this blog entry with the thought, how can we move from the space of the monkey mind to the space of nothing, of no  mind, where there is only space and listening.  That silent state of samadhi or Ananda.

Excited about stating the next phase of my journey...

Peace, Love, and Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

My Last Day of the Art of Living

I realized today that I am done with the Art of Living.  I cancelled my Intensive Art of Silence course and decided to discontinue my sadhana.  I'm going to attend a 10 day Vipassana meditation course in June and concentrate on my career and business.  I'll plan on traveling to Rishikesh in a year or two.  I feel that I have to find another spiritual teacher for some time.  I have had too much trouble in my sadhana and am convinced that the time has come to try something different.  I feel bad, but know that Gurudev, Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, will always be in my heart, whether I get to spend the present life with him or meet him after my death.  I am ok with leaving for now and pursuing other paths that may be more conducive to where I am in my spiritual journey.  I believe it's important to find compassion and love, silence and equanimity before going too deep on the path.  I'm not sure where I went wrong, but I do know that I no longer feel free, relaxed, and motivated to pursue my sadhana.  I simply need change.  I'm going to focus on asanas and mind-body meditations.  I'll work with TM and see what I can learn from them and Vipassana.  India was too difficult of a journey.  I'm sorry that I am now having to take my sabbatical.  I wonder when I will return to the Art of Living.  I have a feeling it will be after some years.  Let's see what happens.  I realize that not all of us can be subservient and simply listen to the voice within our minds.  I hope to find harmony, compassion, and love on my new path of love and consciousness.

In love and gratitude,

An Aspiring Yogi