Feeling Done

I have finally reached this place where I feel smaller in prayer, Japa, yoga, and any other form of sadhana.  I wish for my spiritual journey to completely end.  I feel as though this journey will lead to suicide.  I hope that this time will end and I will pursue this in my next life.  I am truly done.  I would love to find a full-time career and find a romantic partner or wife.  I have felt deeply tortured and miserable thinking about God and realized I am not spiritually right at this time.  I gave my 100% and would prefer to remain alive vs. committing suicide chasing after enlightenment.  Suicide is worse than chasing after God.  Better to remain alive and live a worldly life and serve others vs. end this life.  I hope I will be left alone to live a normal life.  I beg of God to please stop torturing me.  I am miserable because of the torture.  I do bounce back, but I don’t want to keep going this low after these torture sessions.  I beg of God & guru, please let me lead a normal worldly life.  I promise to walk away from my spirit ambition & path.  Please help me be free of this.  Let me be worldly.

On Professionalism

I had an interview today with a major industry leader.  I had a panel interview and I think it went well.  I enjoyed meeting the folks, but deep down inside, something did not feel right.  I did not feel like I was pursuing my dharma.  Something deep inside me feels like there is something else I should be doing with this lifetime.  I feel like our time is so short.  We are here for maybe 40, 50, 100 years.  This time can fly by.  There's a doctor from Hawaii who once said, that we have a mortgage on our soul and we spend our whole lifetime paying it back.  He says that most people live their life paying off this mortgage and they keep on manipulating data.  We can spend an entire lifetime in data analysis.  This is a metaphor for a rambling mind, a mind that deals with a steady stream of thoughts vs. the thoughtless state of samadhi / simply put, nothing.  How do we achieve this state of silence?  Why is it that almost all of us spend our lifetimes chasing after everything on the outside, but ignore the inner essence of our mind.  Why is it that we keep on buying a bigger house?  This bigger house translates to professional promotions, career aspirations, jobs, investments, partners, the perfect body, even better relationships with family and friends.  This seems to all prevent us from paying off our home.  Why?  I'm so frustrated by this constant mortgage...why is it that we keep on chasing after something when our ultimate goal is nothing???  Is this the nature of our small mind?  I'm unsure how to convince my own small mind to pursue silence.  I know deep down inside the answer lies in silence.  I also know the answer lies in selfless service, but I somehow keep ending up chasing after something and I'm not sure why.  I feel like I'm reitering this point...why are we here?  Why is there insincerity and insecurity.  Why is there this constant quest to achieve something when the goal is nothing.  I believe my teacher says we have to go through three steps to enlightenment:  1) something, 2) nothing, and 3) everything.  I'm at a loss why I'm here...but I feel like it's a crossroads.  Do I keep on dealing with this inner frustration and see it through, or do I "fill up."  Time will tell.  May we simply be present to this moment and get lost in the service of others. 

Seeking silence. 

Love & Jai Guru Deva,

An Aspiring Yogi.

Dharma at Risk

Dharma at Risk

I have decided to continue working in two psychiatric hospitals as a yoga therapist as the state of Texas has not issued a stay-at-home order.  I have been teaching online yoga classes from the yoga studios.  Two of the yoga studios that I teach at have closed.  I have been in so much pain recently that I made the conscious decision to risk my life in the service of others.  I believe that serving others in a hospital environment is a better way to risk your life than attempting anything else.  I am not afraid to die and would welcome death if it's in the service of others.  I believe I am making a significant life saving impact when I offer yoga and meditation to inpatients and outpatients.  I pause though as I'm willing to drop everything as a non-essential hospital employee and be with my parents if a stay-at-home order is issued in Austin / Texas.  I wonder though if I would be of any value to my parents.  I still feel obliged to teach here in Austin.  Ultimately, if stay-at-home is ordered, I'll stop working all jobs and just do what I can online from my folks house.  I believe I'm safe for now, though you never know...

On to others.  I spent some time with DN today.  She was recently dumped by the guy she was dating.  I felt bad for her and I know she is saddened by the break-up.  She came over and I made chai for her and we went to Rada Madhav Dham.  We attended Arti and we meditated there.  The environment was serene and I enjoyed being reminded of Lord Krishna and Swamiji.  I remember his warmth and peace.  I remember that what he offers is peace.  Radhe Radhe.  I know my path is different, but still enjoy thinking about Lord Krishna and Swamiji's path.  I still remember our first meeting in 1995 and how he was so calm when I told him I was an Atheist at that time.  I wonder if he had seen something I did not.  I wonder if it matters.  I wonder what we are to be a witness to and what to take action on in life.  As we witness / gain insight / intuition into others, are we to be a witness to this / do we help support / potentially change the outcome to improve another's life.  I believe the effect depends upon the circumstance.  I would hope to inspire positive change to improve others lives. 

Regarding RT, I hope she will make it to Tuesday's outpatient visit.  I think she has some deep seated challenges to work through.  I believe outpatient therapy can help her, but wonder what change she could benefit from through the spiritual path.  What's the right balance between spirituality and allopathic psychiatric medicines?  Can meditation replace allopathic medication?  I believe sometimes intensive allopathic medicines are needed.

On to DF.  He celebrated his 69th birthday yesterday alone.  At this time, isolation is recomended, so I did not feel bad, but I was concerned that he was alone.  He seems to not want to engage in socializing / service.  I was happy that his psychiatrist recommended he just continue with outpatient visits.  He seems to be in a better place now, but I feel that we all need some form of community.  I hope he can find a community of some sort.

In regards to silence, I'm uncertain what the goal is any longer.  I struggle with the physiological pain and this makes me want to stay in action.  I believe the pain in psysho-somatic and I'm unable to overcome it.  I simply have to make peace with it, but I feel better staying very busy.  The busier I am, the better I feel.  I believe this is why I'm willing to risk my life in the service of others.

Life is difficult.  The first sentence of The Road Less Traveled.  I feel grateful to have visited with an enlightened master in this lifetime.  Regardless of whether I live / die through this epidemic, I hope people will be able to turn inwards and dwell on something else besides the pandemic.

May our minds feel free and may we find some silence through this.

In devotion to Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.

Love & Jai Guru Deva,

An Aspiring Yogi

Getting Busy

Getting Busy

I feel as though my mind is filling up or busier.  I have been filling my day with so many activities and resolving existing responsibilities.  Today, for example, I had to take care of: 

1) paying off my credit cards from December 2019

2) checking to see if my final car payoff cleared the bank

3) working with the seller's realtor and my client on terminating a contract on a client's home purchase

4) working with a collision center on fixing one of my hybrid rental vehicles

5) meeting with my yoga studio manager on how my yoga classes are going

6) fixing my toe injury via my PCP and PT, podiatrist, etc.  The HMO is giving me the run around

7) taking the time to workout

8) taking the time to do a group relational meditation

9) checking in on friends and family 

10) following up on a dear friend's father in the hospital

The list goes on...the point is, I feel like my life is getting busier even though my life does not feel fuller.  Does that make sense?  Even though I'm teaching yoga full-time, I still don't feel like it's enough...like there is something missing.  Everytime I sit for sadhana, it's a painful endeavor.  I don't feel like it's time to turn inwards.  The longer I'm in this state of mind, the more I realize it may be time to move on with life...do you ever feel stagnant just being?  For as busy as I am, I begin to feel like it may be time for me to start the next chapter in my life...whatever that is.

I wonder if a full-time job, a home, a dog, &/ a romantic partner may make me happy.  I feel that this is selfish and that I need to be of service to others, but I feel like I'm unable to find a community / purpose to serve.  I feel far on the outside of The Art of Living.  Everytime I attempt to come close, I end up in mental / physical pain.  So I'm left with the question of what to do to better serve mankind, to help others, to become a selfless servant to others, to do his work.  

I feel that my mind oscillates between dharma and worldly life.  I look forward to the time when I can re-engage my spiritual path 100% and feel like I'm back to my single pointed focus on the divine.  For now, I feel like I'm simply trying to swim and not drown.

Left wondering...

An Aspiring Yogi.

On Money

I met with one of the founders of Door Dash today.  He sold his company and likely walked away with a multimillion dollar profit.  He has gone on to start a property management company and is doing tremendously well.  He's very successful and is backed by the likes of Vinod Khosla and other major venture capitalists.  We met today and we had an intense discussion and he asked me several times what I wanted. 

Before I get to that, we had some small talk and then he laid into me and I did the same on the way back.  His sales rep was pissed because she realized she wasn't getting the sale.  We went back and forth with an intensity I haven't felt in a while.  The room felt cold and I felt like I was in a bar...somewhere I wasn't supposed to be.  He was really hung over from their 1 year anniversary party  the night before and I actually respected his honesty and success.  He was blunt and disrespectful at times, but really got to the point.  The one thing that remains in my mind is that he felt that his time was worth more than mine.  Anyone who believes that is disillusioned.  My time belongs to those less fortunate. 

My time belongs to those less fortunate.  He asked what I wanted about three times.  I answered, "freedom."  Carly, his sales rep, interjected, what does that mean?  I wasn't able to get many words in, but I did see that more than anything, it's Kaivalya...freedom from the worldly entrapments that bond us.  I felt a longing to hustle and do business, to be a part of his team and make money, but at a superficial level.  Deep down inside, I realized I want freedom, to be a yogi, to walk this Earth with awareness and grace, with honor and respect, with humility and to find my true self.  All of these worldly things mean nothing in the face of truth.

No amount of money can make up for truth.  Ask a sanit or a sadhu if he would trade his freedom for $100M and he would definitively say No. 

I was asked to leave within an hour and I parted ways after telling the founder that his website was shit.  He had many listings / vacancies and I shared that this looked bad vs. his competition.  He asked me to simply leave.  I was humbled at that moment, but feel honored now that I write about it.

In this moment, I realized though, that the intensity of that moment brought about silence in the next.  When I walked out of that room I felt a sense of peace and silence.  That silence is what we're after. 

The beauty is in the silence between words, between thoughts.  I had a professor that once said, I paraphrase, pay attention to the silence between the words.  The silence is what we're after.  I believe freedom is in experiencing bliss and Ananda, while helping those less fortunate. 

Swami Brahmananda Saraswati spent 70 years in silence and isolation in the Himalayas.  During this time, he likely mastered silence and experienced great bliss in samadhi.  Self-realization, samadhi, enlightenment is the goal. 

Why do we suffer so much on the path to awakening, to freedom, to liberation, to moksha?  I have heard that the path is very difficult, but did not realize this truth until recently.  Over the past few years, this path has become very difficult, but I keep running away from 100% devotion to his work.

I am unsure what to do in this life, of what to do in this moment.  What I do know is that I will find a way, in the present moment.

With honor and respect, faith and grace.  I humbly surrender to something greater than this / that. 

In surrender to this great unknown,

An Aspiring Yogi.

On Aparigraha

Aparigraha is one of the five vows that both householders (Śrāvaka) and ascetics must observe. This vow is the principle of limiting one's possessions (parimita-parigraha) and limiting one's desires (iccha-parimana).

Worldly wealth accumulation is considered as a potential source of rising greed, jealousy, selfishness and desires.  Giving up emotional attachments, sensual pleasures and material possession is a means of liberation.  Eating enough to survive is considered more noble than eating for indulgence.  Similarly, all consumption is more appropriate if it is essential to one's survival, and inappropriate if it is a form of hoarding, show off or for ego. Non-possession and non-attachment are a form of virtue, and these are recommended particularly in later stages of one's life.  After ahiṃsā, Aparigraha is the second most important virtue.

Commentary:  Why do we strive to accumulate?  Why do we worry about money?  Why do we feel good when we make money and feel bad when we struggle?  Why do we worry about making others jealous?  Why do we feel jealous?  My meditation teacher once simply said, keep money in your pockets not in your head.  He also said that for a successful career in politics, one has to move away from a personal desire for money and sex.  I believe that Aparigraha can help take us inwards towards pratayahara and higher states of consciousness.  We can effectively shift our attention from the world to the inner-self where there are less distractions and less concerns in worldly life.

An interesting note is that Aparigraha discusses possessions in a sense of not only material possessions, but also in emotional attachment and sensual pleasures.  Can we expand this thought to include the body?  For example, is body-building a form of attachment and accumulation?  Are we accumulating muscles or even ultimate flexibility in asanas for a yogi?  When I think of Jainism / Buddhism / Hinduism, I think of great minds letting go of the form all together.  I think of astral beings and conscious expansion, not the body.  

When I tihnk of great saints like Sri Sri Ravi Shankar / The Dalai Lama / Baba Ram Dev / Amma, I do not look towards their bodies as a sign of enlightenment, rather it's quite the opposite.  I look towards their minds and vibrations, towards their wisdom and knowledge, towards utlimately, their grace.

A Glimpse

I am now approaching nearly 2 years away from my in-depth gunner approach to spirituality.  I was a die-hard Brahmacharya, wearing my mala beads, sporting my beard, and dressed up in the kurta pajama of an aspiring yogi on the outside, but on the inside it was a different story.  On the inside, my mind was racing, my emotions dominated me, and I lacked any clarity of mind.  I had no control over my thoughts &/ emotions.  I felt the racing mind…I sometimes joked that my mind / thoughts / mental state was like Rainman.  I realize now that depth in yoga begins with the internal state of mauna, or silence.  I remember an exam question from my MA program in Yoga and the question was alluding to the journey from the external to the internal.  I don’t remember the semantics, but I do remember the point.  The point is to go inwards, to dive within the mind, the silence, the self…to go deeper in yoga beyond this physical reality.  I can’t believe I moved so far away from yoga and pretty much completely returned to worldly life, to a life free of the desire for liberation, for self-realization.  I literally went back to smoking, drinking alcohol, working out, and chasing women.   I began focusing on money, my image, and women. I knew that this pursuit was devoid of any depth, any yoga, but I realized after nearly two years, that I had become quieter, that I had left Rainman behind…gratefully.  I know that in another few years, I’ll likely write about this again and become a witness to the progress that has taken place, but for now, I feel that the progress, as difficult as it was, was monumental, was worth all of the pain, the trials and tribulations, the anger, frustration, and sorrow that accompanied this treacherous journey.  I don’t know what lies ahead, but then again, do we need to?  Can I simply be present to this moment?  Can I become a witness to this ever present moment free from any desires / goals regarding the future?  Can I simply abide in now regardless of what may / may not happen in a month, a year, or even 10 years.  So what?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that this moment exists.  I am here.  I am now.  I am this moment. 

How do we become comfortable abiding in this moment?  How do we become this ever-present moment?  How do we let go of this desire to understand what’s happening in the present moment?  How do learn to simply let go.  As I recently heard, “take out the trash…the trash is in here” as Socrates points to the young student’s head in Peaceful Warrior. 

There’s a certain freedom that comes from letting go of this worldly life, this desire to be with others, to have money, materialistic wealth, prestige, romantic partners, or even company.  I read Sivananda today and realized the value of abiding within, of being with the self, alone and self-sufficient, but at the same time letting go of the ego, desires, and pain / pleasure identification. 

I wonder now how to become free of pride, prejudices, and that feeling of judgement.  How do we become free of negativity.  Really, how do we simply become a witness to all of these random thoughts, emotions, and “words” that come into our mind?  I believe the first two chapters of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras deal with overcoming the small mind.  I believe we can spend lifetimes tackling this small mind of ours.  I believe to overcome this small mind is to find silence, true silence.

I now realize why the advanced course is called The Silence Course.  This is the answer…this is the way.

Abiding in this rambling of words…

An Aspiring Yoga Dude.