A Glimpse

I am now approaching nearly 2 years away from my in-depth gunner approach to spirituality.  I was a die-hard Brahmacharya, wearing my mala beads, sporting my beard, and dressed up in the kurta pajama of an aspiring yogi on the outside, but on the inside it was a different story.  On the inside, my mind was racing, my emotions dominated me, and I lacked any clarity of mind.  I had no control over my thoughts &/ emotions.  I felt the racing mind…I sometimes joked that my mind / thoughts / mental state was like Rainman.  I realize now that depth in yoga begins with the internal state of mauna, or silence.  I remember an exam question from my MA program in Yoga and the question was alluding to the journey from the external to the internal.  I don’t remember the semantics, but I do remember the point.  The point is to go inwards, to dive within the mind, the silence, the self…to go deeper in yoga beyond this physical reality.  I can’t believe I moved so far away from yoga and pretty much completely returned to worldly life, to a life free of the desire for liberation, for self-realization.  I literally went back to smoking, drinking alcohol, working out, and chasing women.   I began focusing on money, my image, and women. I knew that this pursuit was devoid of any depth, any yoga, but I realized after nearly two years, that I had become quieter, that I had left Rainman behind…gratefully.  I know that in another few years, I’ll likely write about this again and become a witness to the progress that has taken place, but for now, I feel that the progress, as difficult as it was, was monumental, was worth all of the pain, the trials and tribulations, the anger, frustration, and sorrow that accompanied this treacherous journey.  I don’t know what lies ahead, but then again, do we need to?  Can I simply be present to this moment?  Can I become a witness to this ever present moment free from any desires / goals regarding the future?  Can I simply abide in now regardless of what may / may not happen in a month, a year, or even 10 years.  So what?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that this moment exists.  I am here.  I am now.  I am this moment. 

How do we become comfortable abiding in this moment?  How do we become this ever-present moment?  How do we let go of this desire to understand what’s happening in the present moment?  How do learn to simply let go.  As I recently heard, “take out the trash…the trash is in here” as Socrates points to the young student’s head in Peaceful Warrior. 

There’s a certain freedom that comes from letting go of this worldly life, this desire to be with others, to have money, materialistic wealth, prestige, romantic partners, or even company.  I read Sivananda today and realized the value of abiding within, of being with the self, alone and self-sufficient, but at the same time letting go of the ego, desires, and pain / pleasure identification. 

I wonder now how to become free of pride, prejudices, and that feeling of judgement.  How do we become free of negativity.  Really, how do we simply become a witness to all of these random thoughts, emotions, and “words” that come into our mind?  I believe the first two chapters of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras deal with overcoming the small mind.  I believe we can spend lifetimes tackling this small mind of ours.  I believe to overcome this small mind is to find silence, true silence.

I now realize why the advanced course is called The Silence Course.  This is the answer…this is the way.

Abiding in this rambling of words…

An Aspiring Yoga Dude.

Years in Life

Years in Life

I attended a friend’s 40th birthday party tonight and was happy to see so many familiar faces, but it also made me wonder if this world is mine...and is it theirs?   This worldly life.  I enjoyed seeing friends and their own journeys from single women I knew as friends or former partners to well settled & contented mothers, doctors, professors, &/ entrepreneurs.  I do feel proud of the amazing women that have crossed my path in one way or the other.  

I loved hearing SK’s perspective on how AI just had a baby one month ago, is breast feeding, & is hosting an amazing party with three little ones at home.  I sincerely am impressed with AI’s progress in life.

Deep down inside though, I feel as though something is missing in this worldly life.  I feel as though there is something much greater than pursuing our own pleasures, money, status, relationships, and even families.  I feel strange writing this as I myself am the product of a loving family.  I am even dating, but there is still something far greater than this worldly life.

The attraction of the spirit, of Brahma, of the Purusha, seems far greater than anything this worldly appearance &/ experience can offer.  The state of being in yoga seems far greater a joy, an ecstasy, if you will.  The depth of being with your self, with your true nature, with truth, I believe, far outweighs anything this world appearance can offer.  Even as I feel as though I have almost every comfort I could imagine, I know something is missing...I know there is a truth far beyond what my small mind can comprehend right now.  I know truth exists.  I know there is something far greater than what I perceive, even what I believe.

I know this state of yoga exists.  I felt like I made the right decision to let go of Kriya Yoga’s indoctrination this weekend.  I was happy to meet Swamiji, but knew that is not my truth.

I can only wonder at the possibility for omnipresence, omnipotence, & omniscience.  I can only wonder at the surrender that must be necessary to truly let go of all of these concepts that we hold onto so tightly, even our bodies.  I know we should not hurt ourselves, but I wonder if, in the name of spirituality, is it Tapas when the body is used for another’s benefit?  Is it right?  Is it ethical?  And finally, is it moral?  I believe these questions and my experiences over the past couple of years have distanced myself from love.  Simply put, tapas has distanced myself from love, from divine love.  Is that part of the path?

An Aspiring Yogi

A Decision to Continue

This evening, I was excited to see someone that I have mistaken for Gurudev, someone that I love very much, someone I have looked up to as my beloved Gurudev, someone I spent 6 straight weeks learning from.  I spent the day thinking about him and even wrote an intimate letter to him, but as I sat waiting for him, I realized that this is not the time to change my course.  I am going through something intense and powerful.  I'm not sure where it will lead me / where I am going, but I know that I must continue.  I know that something is carrying me, is polishing this diamond into a yogi that will shine one day.  Even if this diamond must be worn for some time.  I can feel the pain and the reminder of penance.  There's a Sanskrit word for penance, which I have forgotten, but many yogis go through so much self-mutilation and torture to overcome their bodies and minds.  I can barely move my right arm without nerve sensations, but I somehow manage to move everyday.  I have stopped working out and am reminded of the damage in my neck almost on the hour.  Even though this mind and body feel tortured, I know deep down inside that something is progressing, something is growing, something somewhere tells me that this is right, now matter how painful this is.  No matter how unhappy, miserable, painful, or regretful I feel, I must remind myself to surrender to the unknown, to the big mind.  I must let go of this small thinking mind and realize something far greater than myself, my small mind.  I will survive.  I will live like a yogi.  I will focus on the prescription of Patanjali's Yoga Sutras, the Yamas and Niyamas.

I feel as though I have moved away from Gurudev's prescription for preparation for higher states of yoga.  I feel my worldly life and the prana that has moved away from me.  After I realized that I am committed to something far greater than myself, I realize that the small minded sacrifice of pleasure, comfort, happiness, and joy, are short-term sacrifices one has to make to achieve self-realization.

Even if I have to live like a beggar, like a sadhu, I would do it. I would drop everything to achieve sel-realization, to achieve an awakening.

May my body, my mind, and my spirit be with the Purusha, with Gurudeva. 

In deep surrender regardless of this small-minded state of mind,

An Aspiring Yogi

On Loneliness

On Loneliness 

Recently, the Surgeon General of the US declared a psychiatric epidemic related to loneliness.  He said that Americans are struggling emotionally & mentally / psychologically because they are lonely.  He concluded that workplace isolation & overworked Americans do not socialize enough.  He recommended workplace group outings and more opportunities for coworkers to be more authentic and socially intimate due to an evermore digital professional & personal life.  

I agree, but I think there is more.  I think loneliness is a symptom / effect of unhappiness.  My spiritual teacher once said that if you saw a great movie, wouldn’t you want to tell others to see it too?  I believe we naturally and simply want to share joy.  When we feel elated and happy, I think we begin to naturally connect with others and also radiate with a warmth that attracts others.  I believe our energy state (prana) resonates with others when we are happy.  I believe the fundamental issue is contentment / happiness (santosha).

A fundamental paradigm shift is needed.  We need to shift from the pursuit of selfish pleasures to selfish joy.  Even selfless service can be selfish...ultimately, YOU get to feel happy & connected to other human beings & your community.

There is an ancient Chinese proverb that says:

If you want happiness for an hour -- take a nap. 

If you want happiness for a day -- go fishing. 

If you want happiness for a month -- get married. 

If you want happiness for a year -- inherit a fortune. 

If you want happiness for a lifetime -- help someone else. 

This is really beautiful and I think it’s so true.  I hope more Americans will take the time out to start their day with the mindset of:  how can I help someone today?  How can I be of selfless service to another person?

A wise teacher once told me, when your responsibility increases, your belongingness increases.  When your belongingness increases, your responsibilities increase.  He said that responsibility equates to empowerment.  When we feel responsible for people in our community / the world, we feel empowered to do something and be of selfless service to help another human.  I believe this is the antidote to loneliness &/ unhappiness.

He said the happiest people lower their personal needs & increase their responsibilities.

With Love for this great country where I grew up.  God bless America.  Does anyone need my help?  Love.

On Leaving the Path

Blog entry:  

October 5th, 2017

As I set out to leave this country that I thought I would spend the remaining 40 years of my life, I realize that it's not that easy to simply let go...of a culture, a people, a way of life.  I leave with a feeling of having to let go of something that I loved, something that became a part of me, a part of him.  I realize that this was simply not my time.  I am grateful for this time to reflect on what should be a happening.  I feel as though I will return to this journey, this path in my fifties.  I hope to dedicate the next several years to finding love, maybe having a family, and achieving great worldly success.  I look forward to helping those less fortunate while working very hard in this worldly life.  I simply depart with a heavy heart.  I trust my gut and know that I have unfinished work to do in this lifetime.  I will surrender this burning desire for self-realization to a later time / life stage / life...for now is not the time.

I met a beautiful woman recently.  Every time I see her face, I feel a deep sense of connectedness that I rarely feel with another human being.  I feel a sense of emotional connectedness and a sense of space.  I remember when I was in loving relationships, I would often simply be...I would often simply be in contentment.  My third girlfriend used to imply that I was so easily contented.  I was.  I feel, as my love for my beloved Gurudev has diminished, I feel a strong desire to find romantic love.  I feel as though this was something I spent several years reading about & daydreaming about.  As I grow older, I feel a strong desire to be in a loving and emotionally connected relationship with a woman vs. simply pursuing my own physical pleasures.  I feel as though a life partner would be joyful.  I feel peaceful alone, but I know there's a greater joy in having a life partner.  I now realize that this life partner is someone to serve, to listen to from the space of silence, someone to care for and cherish, and someone to share the joys & sorrows of life.  I feel as though a life partner would offer depth and balance in an otherwise turbulent mental, spiritual, and physical existence.

September 19th, 2017

Today, I let go being a meditation teacher.  I just smoked shisha.  My next stop is Social for a beer.  I am finally done.  My time ran out.  As I took this plunge to protect my life, I apologized to my spiritual teacher and knew I had to take a break.  I know my time ran out...I hope to find another way in time.  For now, I am simply here, now, & in this moment...here, alone, & still alive.  I will survive.  I will stay alive.  I simply wanted to escape misery & being tortured.

I am grateful for the time and attention my teacher gave me.  I feel as though I had many teachers over the past 14 years.  I am grateful to my parents for having introduced me to him.  I hope to reconnect in 5 to 10 years.  For now, I will take a deep dive into this worldly life.  I feel as though this is my sincerity.  In time, I will find this peace & love I am searching for.  For now, let's party like rock stars.

September 18th, 2017

I am leaving today.  I am miserable & feel tortured.  Even as I am sick, I am not able to sleep & feel that some outside force is exerting physical pain on my body & mind.  I am not able to rest & am not able to feel any joy / happiness.  I feel depressed & want to leave.  I have reached the point where I feel like I am being used & tortured too often.  My whole body aches & I simply want an escape from this.  Just as some use drugs / alcohol to escape their stress, I will have to use drugs & alcohol to escape this feeling of being used & abused.  I have no other choice.  I am sad that Gurudev did not help me.  He simply became a witness to my torture.  I thought he would be there for me, but he wasn't.  I leave with a heavy heart.

 September 10th, 2017

In Union 

I realized today that there is really nothing that I want to do.  I mean, I don't want to do anything.  I really just want to be.  I don't want a job or to work for anyone.  I don't want to take orders or have to answer to anyone...I simply want to abide in yoga.  I really enjoy doing intro talks & taking (teaching) courses.  I enjoy my schedule of sadhana, coffee shop, & the gym.  It would be nice to mix in some seva & intro talks & maybe network with some companies, universities and other organizations in town, but for the most part, I think I'm beginning to just chill...it's almost like I'm becoming lazy, but I'm still willing to work hard for something I'm passionate about...I almost feel guilty!  

I almost teared up today when I realized that there really is nothing else I want to do...I simply want to be a yogi.  There's no money / fame / power / attention that I'm seeking anymore.  I do believe that I still want to be in love.  I used to be deeply in love with my Gurudev, but I feel more disconnected / maybe dispassionate about him now.  I don't feel like going to satsangs / even meeting Gurudev...I'm simply content in just being.  There is nothing that I really want / need from this world...

It would be nice to fall in love again.  I thought Gurudev had filled that space beautifully, but that space is empty again...maybe that space was emptied for a reason...maybe I am supposed to pursue a life partner, a wife to share my life with.  I feel as though I do have enough to provide a good life for a family...maybe this is what Gurudev wants...it doesn't really matter anymore.

For now, I'm looking forward to just chilling in Koramangala, doing the AirBnB thing, and enjoying the gym.  I'll hopefully join some organizations & maybe teach some classes in financial Independence.  I would like to do some more intro talks too, but I no longer have a burning desire to teach.  I think I'm good just being...

Looking forward to a life of being vs. doing...a life of becoming a human being.

-----

On Fear

August 23, 2017

I met with an orthopedic surgeon earlier and he recommended getting an MRI done.  As I prepared for the MRI, I felt relaxed and calm.  As I entered the machine, I felt a little anxious.  I had been through this before once / twice, so wasn't too nervous.  As the machine closed, I could feel a major nervous energy hitting my heart center.  I could feel my heart just pounding, and a nervous energy like adrenalin coursing through my body.  I was lying down quietly, and the machine was making all sorts of noises.  I could feel some sort of a manipulation and an internal voice saying you cannot leave.  I could feel a very nervous energy and a lack of oxygen.  I felt heat in my shoulders.  I felt FEAR.  As I laid there, I chanted Om Nama Shivaya.  I stayed down for sometime until the operator came and opened the machine.  As he told me I was moving too much, I got up and felt great dizziness and all of the adrenaline making my whole body shake.  I hadn't felt this sense of FEAR since I got sucked out to the ocean in a rip tide in San Diego's Dog Beach.  I remember the FEAR and adrenaline coursing through the body.  The experience was awful, but made me grateful just to be alive.  This is the second time in my life that I have ever really felt that sense of FEAR and adrenaline.  The experience makes me sad that this is where I have come to on the path.  Fourteen years after having met Gurudev, this is where I am.  I am unsure of next steps in life, but I know one thing...I'd rather die than do another MRI unsedated.  This simply is not my time.

Hoping to make it through this very dark time in my life.

Jai Guru Dev.

An Aspiring Yogi

Everything Returns

I remember getting a hug from Gurudev right before he left the Austin Airport in late March, 2017.  He asked me what my plans were and he told me to come to the Bangalore Ashram after I finished my Hindi studies in Uttharakhand.  I was thrilled and elated at the idea of being close to and doing my beloved's work.  

I had been going through a difficult time on the path since April 2016.  I left India in May 2016 and came back to the US for about a year.  I had an intense year and when I left for India in June 2017, I thought I would come to a more peaceful and joyous place...I was wrong.

I landed in New Delhi in late June and spent some time with my dear TTC buddy Nitin Kapoor and his wife Charul.  I was happy to see them and felt grateful for their inspiration and devotion to Gurudev.  I was a little jet lag from the trip and anxious to get settled into my own place after having lived with my parents for almost two months.  I loved the time with Nitin, Charul, & my parents, but have always craved solitude for one reason or another.  

I settled into my noisy apartment in Mussoorie's Landour Bazar, but quickly decided to shift to a quieter and more secluded apartment further up in the Himalayas near Char Dukan.  After a couple of weeks, I had finally finished buying furniture and decorating my new place.  I absolutely loved it, but felt absolutely miserable from within.

I wrote to Gurudev and cc'ed some of my mentors and quickly shifted to The Art of Living Rishikesh Ashram.  I found solace and comfort there living next door to Swami Prabhudanandji.  I repeated The Blessings Course with him and had a chance to spend time with multiple Swamis &/ sadhus that were visiting the ashram.  I felt a great sense of comfort there.  I had finally started sleeping again.

As soon as I heard about the Bhagavad Gita commentary, I registered and planned to shift to The Art of Living Bangalore Ashram.  I was feeling better, but something was still clawing at me from within.  I was feeling better being with the Rishikesh Ashram Sangha.  I found the Ashramites and  Blessings Course participants friendly and felt a greater sense of belongingness.  I felt like part of their sangha.

As I left The Art of Living Rishikesh Ashram, I felt a little bad about leaving my new-found sense of belongingness, but knew I would return.

I had stopped saying Jai Guru Dev and felt a great disconnect with Gurudev.  I wondered where my devotion and love had gone.  I felt hollow and empty in sadness.  As I reached the Bangalore Ashram, I thought this feeling would diminish, but my anguish increased.  I checked into my room at The Bangalore Ashram and felt worse and worse as the Intensive Silence course began.  The meditations were a struggle and I felt so much pain in my shoulders, neck, & legs.  I could barely sleep for the entire 5 day course and felt like I was about to collapse during one of the sessions.  My mind, body, & spirit were in Kurukshetra...there was an internal war going on beyond my comprehension.  As the final day approached, I had my letter written to Gurudev and wasn't sure if I would even get a chance to meet him, but I was committed to giving him the letter, a very honest and profoundly intimate detail of this inner struggle / battle.  

To my delight, I had made my way up to the Oceanic and Gulf Darshan line in Mahavir Hall.  The main Vishalakshi Mantap Ground Floor was filled with what seemed like 500 course participants hoping to get Gurudev's darshan.  As I got comfortable, I wanted to confirm that internationals would be able to join, & to my demise, I was asked to leave and join my Intensive Silence Course darshan line.  As I sat down, I wasn't sure if I would get to meet Gurudev...as he approached for darshan, he walked by & I reached out to give him my hand-written letter.  He stepped back, faced me, & I began to stutter...I somehow could not even speak...I finally said, "Gurudev, can you please tell me if I should do seva in the ashram / do something else?"  He looked at me and said, "just stay in the ashram and come see me later."  I smiled at the thought of just getting settled here and then seeing him.  As he spoke to me, like the hand of a father, he put his hand on my shoulder before he walked away.  He knew I needed his affirmation of love.  As he walked away, I felt a wave of grace and happiness fill my being.  As Gurudev walked away, I couldn't believe my delight at having the hand of God touch my shoulder.  I felt like his grace had showered me.  I felt pure again.  As he walked around the first floor of The VM (Vishalakshi Mantap) building, he walked by us again.  I thought I was already so fully contented at my moment with my Beloved, but then he stopped, looked at me and he pinched my cheek and placed his hand on my head with all the love of a divine father.  I felt his love.  This love is greater than a thousand suns...it's so powerful that you cannot put into words what a Living Master can do to transcend your being, your entire existence.  As he walked away, I knew my heart had expanded, my cup was full, & my path was clearer.  Just one meeting with God...

As I left the VM building, I felt my normalcy and happiness return, my heart filled with joy, & my eyes on the present moment.  What more can a devotee, a sadhak ask for?

I leave this time wondering what I can do for him and how magical a single moment can be... to be with an enlightened human being, with a Spiritual Master, a Guru, my Gurudev, my Beloved Gurudeva...this is it.

With a love beyond understanding & words...

Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi