I remember getting a hug from Gurudev right before he left the Austin Airport in late March, 2017. He asked me what my plans were and he told me to come to the Bangalore Ashram after I finished my Hindi studies in Uttharakhand. I was thrilled and elated at the idea of being close to and doing my beloved's work.
I had been going through a difficult time on the path since April 2016. I left India in May 2016 and came back to the US for about a year. I had an intense year and when I left for India in June 2017, I thought I would come to a more peaceful and joyous place...I was wrong.
I landed in New Delhi in late June and spent some time with my dear TTC buddy Nitin Kapoor and his wife Charul. I was happy to see them and felt grateful for their inspiration and devotion to Gurudev. I was a little jet lag from the trip and anxious to get settled into my own place after having lived with my parents for almost two months. I loved the time with Nitin, Charul, & my parents, but have always craved solitude for one reason or another.
I settled into my noisy apartment in Mussoorie's Landour Bazar, but quickly decided to shift to a quieter and more secluded apartment further up in the Himalayas near Char Dukan. After a couple of weeks, I had finally finished buying furniture and decorating my new place. I absolutely loved it, but felt absolutely miserable from within.
I wrote to Gurudev and cc'ed some of my mentors and quickly shifted to The Art of Living Rishikesh Ashram. I found solace and comfort there living next door to Swami Prabhudanandji. I repeated The Blessings Course with him and had a chance to spend time with multiple Swamis &/ sadhus that were visiting the ashram. I felt a great sense of comfort there. I had finally started sleeping again.
As soon as I heard about the Bhagavad Gita commentary, I registered and planned to shift to The Art of Living Bangalore Ashram. I was feeling better, but something was still clawing at me from within. I was feeling better being with the Rishikesh Ashram Sangha. I found the Ashramites and Blessings Course participants friendly and felt a greater sense of belongingness. I felt like part of their sangha.
As I left The Art of Living Rishikesh Ashram, I felt a little bad about leaving my new-found sense of belongingness, but knew I would return.
I had stopped saying Jai Guru Dev and felt a great disconnect with Gurudev. I wondered where my devotion and love had gone. I felt hollow and empty in sadness. As I reached the Bangalore Ashram, I thought this feeling would diminish, but my anguish increased. I checked into my room at The Bangalore Ashram and felt worse and worse as the Intensive Silence course began. The meditations were a struggle and I felt so much pain in my shoulders, neck, & legs. I could barely sleep for the entire 5 day course and felt like I was about to collapse during one of the sessions. My mind, body, & spirit were in Kurukshetra...there was an internal war going on beyond my comprehension. As the final day approached, I had my letter written to Gurudev and wasn't sure if I would even get a chance to meet him, but I was committed to giving him the letter, a very honest and profoundly intimate detail of this inner struggle / battle.
To my delight, I had made my way up to the Oceanic and Gulf Darshan line in Mahavir Hall. The main Vishalakshi Mantap Ground Floor was filled with what seemed like 500 course participants hoping to get Gurudev's darshan. As I got comfortable, I wanted to confirm that internationals would be able to join, & to my demise, I was asked to leave and join my Intensive Silence Course darshan line. As I sat down, I wasn't sure if I would get to meet Gurudev...as he approached for darshan, he walked by & I reached out to give him my hand-written letter. He stepped back, faced me, & I began to stutter...I somehow could not even speak...I finally said, "Gurudev, can you please tell me if I should do seva in the ashram / do something else?" He looked at me and said, "just stay in the ashram and come see me later." I smiled at the thought of just getting settled here and then seeing him. As he spoke to me, like the hand of a father, he put his hand on my shoulder before he walked away. He knew I needed his affirmation of love. As he walked away, I felt a wave of grace and happiness fill my being. As Gurudev walked away, I couldn't believe my delight at having the hand of God touch my shoulder. I felt like his grace had showered me. I felt pure again. As he walked around the first floor of The VM (Vishalakshi Mantap) building, he walked by us again. I thought I was already so fully contented at my moment with my Beloved, but then he stopped, looked at me and he pinched my cheek and placed his hand on my head with all the love of a divine father. I felt his love. This love is greater than a thousand suns...it's so powerful that you cannot put into words what a Living Master can do to transcend your being, your entire existence. As he walked away, I knew my heart had expanded, my cup was full, & my path was clearer. Just one meeting with God...
As I left the VM building, I felt my normalcy and happiness return, my heart filled with joy, & my eyes on the present moment. What more can a devotee, a sadhak ask for?
I leave this time wondering what I can do for him and how magical a single moment can be... to be with an enlightened human being, with a Spiritual Master, a Guru, my Gurudev, my Beloved Gurudeva...this is it.
With a love beyond understanding & words...
Jai Guru Dev,
An Aspiring Yogi
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