Years in Life

Years in Life

I attended a friend’s 40th birthday party tonight and was happy to see so many familiar faces, but it also made me wonder if this world is mine...and is it theirs?   This worldly life.  I enjoyed seeing friends and their own journeys from single women I knew as friends or former partners to well settled & contented mothers, doctors, professors, &/ entrepreneurs.  I do feel proud of the amazing women that have crossed my path in one way or the other.  

I loved hearing SK’s perspective on how AI just had a baby one month ago, is breast feeding, & is hosting an amazing party with three little ones at home.  I sincerely am impressed with AI’s progress in life.

Deep down inside though, I feel as though something is missing in this worldly life.  I feel as though there is something much greater than pursuing our own pleasures, money, status, relationships, and even families.  I feel strange writing this as I myself am the product of a loving family.  I am even dating, but there is still something far greater than this worldly life.

The attraction of the spirit, of Brahma, of the Purusha, seems far greater than anything this worldly appearance &/ experience can offer.  The state of being in yoga seems far greater a joy, an ecstasy, if you will.  The depth of being with your self, with your true nature, with truth, I believe, far outweighs anything this world appearance can offer.  Even as I feel as though I have almost every comfort I could imagine, I know something is missing...I know there is a truth far beyond what my small mind can comprehend right now.  I know truth exists.  I know there is something far greater than what I perceive, even what I believe.

I know this state of yoga exists.  I felt like I made the right decision to let go of Kriya Yoga’s indoctrination this weekend.  I was happy to meet Swamiji, but knew that is not my truth.

I can only wonder at the possibility for omnipresence, omnipotence, & omniscience.  I can only wonder at the surrender that must be necessary to truly let go of all of these concepts that we hold onto so tightly, even our bodies.  I know we should not hurt ourselves, but I wonder if, in the name of spirituality, is it Tapas when the body is used for another’s benefit?  Is it right?  Is it ethical?  And finally, is it moral?  I believe these questions and my experiences over the past couple of years have distanced myself from love.  Simply put, tapas has distanced myself from love, from divine love.  Is that part of the path?

An Aspiring Yogi