A Glimpse

I am now approaching nearly 2 years away from my in-depth gunner approach to spirituality.  I was a die-hard Brahmacharya, wearing my mala beads, sporting my beard, and dressed up in the kurta pajama of an aspiring yogi on the outside, but on the inside it was a different story.  On the inside, my mind was racing, my emotions dominated me, and I lacked any clarity of mind.  I had no control over my thoughts &/ emotions.  I felt the racing mind…I sometimes joked that my mind / thoughts / mental state was like Rainman.  I realize now that depth in yoga begins with the internal state of mauna, or silence.  I remember an exam question from my MA program in Yoga and the question was alluding to the journey from the external to the internal.  I don’t remember the semantics, but I do remember the point.  The point is to go inwards, to dive within the mind, the silence, the self…to go deeper in yoga beyond this physical reality.  I can’t believe I moved so far away from yoga and pretty much completely returned to worldly life, to a life free of the desire for liberation, for self-realization.  I literally went back to smoking, drinking alcohol, working out, and chasing women.   I began focusing on money, my image, and women. I knew that this pursuit was devoid of any depth, any yoga, but I realized after nearly two years, that I had become quieter, that I had left Rainman behind…gratefully.  I know that in another few years, I’ll likely write about this again and become a witness to the progress that has taken place, but for now, I feel that the progress, as difficult as it was, was monumental, was worth all of the pain, the trials and tribulations, the anger, frustration, and sorrow that accompanied this treacherous journey.  I don’t know what lies ahead, but then again, do we need to?  Can I simply be present to this moment?  Can I become a witness to this ever present moment free from any desires / goals regarding the future?  Can I simply abide in now regardless of what may / may not happen in a month, a year, or even 10 years.  So what?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that this moment exists.  I am here.  I am now.  I am this moment. 

How do we become comfortable abiding in this moment?  How do we become this ever-present moment?  How do we let go of this desire to understand what’s happening in the present moment?  How do learn to simply let go.  As I recently heard, “take out the trash…the trash is in here” as Socrates points to the young student’s head in Peaceful Warrior. 

There’s a certain freedom that comes from letting go of this worldly life, this desire to be with others, to have money, materialistic wealth, prestige, romantic partners, or even company.  I read Sivananda today and realized the value of abiding within, of being with the self, alone and self-sufficient, but at the same time letting go of the ego, desires, and pain / pleasure identification. 

I wonder now how to become free of pride, prejudices, and that feeling of judgement.  How do we become free of negativity.  Really, how do we simply become a witness to all of these random thoughts, emotions, and “words” that come into our mind?  I believe the first two chapters of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras deal with overcoming the small mind.  I believe we can spend lifetimes tackling this small mind of ours.  I believe to overcome this small mind is to find silence, true silence.

I now realize why the advanced course is called The Silence Course.  This is the answer…this is the way.

Abiding in this rambling of words…

An Aspiring Yoga Dude.