On Fear

August 23, 2017

I met with an orthopedic surgeon earlier and he recommended getting an MRI done.  As I prepared for the MRI, I felt relaxed and calm.  As I entered the machine, I felt a little anxious.  I had been through this before once / twice, so wasn't too nervous.  As the machine closed, I could feel a major nervous energy hitting my heart center.  I could feel my heart just pounding, and a nervous energy like adrenalin coursing through my body.  I was lying down quietly, and the machine was making all sorts of noises.  I could feel some sort of a manipulation and an internal voice saying you cannot leave.  I could feel a very nervous energy and a lack of oxygen.  I felt heat in my shoulders.  I felt FEAR.  As I laid there, I chanted Om Nama Shivaya.  I stayed down for sometime until the operator came and opened the machine.  As he told me I was moving too much, I got up and felt great dizziness and all of the adrenaline making my whole body shake.  I hadn't felt this sense of FEAR since I got sucked out to the ocean in a rip tide in San Diego's Dog Beach.  I remember the FEAR and adrenaline coursing through the body.  The experience was awful, but made me grateful just to be alive.  This is the second time in my life that I have ever really felt that sense of FEAR and adrenaline.  The experience makes me sad that this is where I have come to on the path.  Fourteen years after having met Gurudev, this is where I am.  I am unsure of next steps in life, but I know one thing...I'd rather die than do another MRI unsedated.  This simply is not my time.

Hoping to make it through this very dark time in my life.

Jai Guru Dev.

An Aspiring Yogi