On Money

I met with one of the founders of Door Dash today.  He sold his company and likely walked away with a multimillion dollar profit.  He has gone on to start a property management company and is doing tremendously well.  He's very successful and is backed by the likes of Vinod Khosla and other major venture capitalists.  We met today and we had an intense discussion and he asked me several times what I wanted. 

Before I get to that, we had some small talk and then he laid into me and I did the same on the way back.  His sales rep was pissed because she realized she wasn't getting the sale.  We went back and forth with an intensity I haven't felt in a while.  The room felt cold and I felt like I was in a bar...somewhere I wasn't supposed to be.  He was really hung over from their 1 year anniversary party  the night before and I actually respected his honesty and success.  He was blunt and disrespectful at times, but really got to the point.  The one thing that remains in my mind is that he felt that his time was worth more than mine.  Anyone who believes that is disillusioned.  My time belongs to those less fortunate. 

My time belongs to those less fortunate.  He asked what I wanted about three times.  I answered, "freedom."  Carly, his sales rep, interjected, what does that mean?  I wasn't able to get many words in, but I did see that more than anything, it's Kaivalya...freedom from the worldly entrapments that bond us.  I felt a longing to hustle and do business, to be a part of his team and make money, but at a superficial level.  Deep down inside, I realized I want freedom, to be a yogi, to walk this Earth with awareness and grace, with honor and respect, with humility and to find my true self.  All of these worldly things mean nothing in the face of truth.

No amount of money can make up for truth.  Ask a sanit or a sadhu if he would trade his freedom for $100M and he would definitively say No. 

I was asked to leave within an hour and I parted ways after telling the founder that his website was shit.  He had many listings / vacancies and I shared that this looked bad vs. his competition.  He asked me to simply leave.  I was humbled at that moment, but feel honored now that I write about it.

In this moment, I realized though, that the intensity of that moment brought about silence in the next.  When I walked out of that room I felt a sense of peace and silence.  That silence is what we're after. 

The beauty is in the silence between words, between thoughts.  I had a professor that once said, I paraphrase, pay attention to the silence between the words.  The silence is what we're after.  I believe freedom is in experiencing bliss and Ananda, while helping those less fortunate. 

Swami Brahmananda Saraswati spent 70 years in silence and isolation in the Himalayas.  During this time, he likely mastered silence and experienced great bliss in samadhi.  Self-realization, samadhi, enlightenment is the goal. 

Why do we suffer so much on the path to awakening, to freedom, to liberation, to moksha?  I have heard that the path is very difficult, but did not realize this truth until recently.  Over the past few years, this path has become very difficult, but I keep running away from 100% devotion to his work.

I am unsure what to do in this life, of what to do in this moment.  What I do know is that I will find a way, in the present moment.

With honor and respect, faith and grace.  I humbly surrender to something greater than this / that. 

In surrender to this great unknown,

An Aspiring Yogi.

On Aparigraha

Aparigraha is one of the five vows that both householders (Śrāvaka) and ascetics must observe. This vow is the principle of limiting one's possessions (parimita-parigraha) and limiting one's desires (iccha-parimana).

Worldly wealth accumulation is considered as a potential source of rising greed, jealousy, selfishness and desires.  Giving up emotional attachments, sensual pleasures and material possession is a means of liberation.  Eating enough to survive is considered more noble than eating for indulgence.  Similarly, all consumption is more appropriate if it is essential to one's survival, and inappropriate if it is a form of hoarding, show off or for ego. Non-possession and non-attachment are a form of virtue, and these are recommended particularly in later stages of one's life.  After ahiṃsā, Aparigraha is the second most important virtue.

Commentary:  Why do we strive to accumulate?  Why do we worry about money?  Why do we feel good when we make money and feel bad when we struggle?  Why do we worry about making others jealous?  Why do we feel jealous?  My meditation teacher once simply said, keep money in your pockets not in your head.  He also said that for a successful career in politics, one has to move away from a personal desire for money and sex.  I believe that Aparigraha can help take us inwards towards pratayahara and higher states of consciousness.  We can effectively shift our attention from the world to the inner-self where there are less distractions and less concerns in worldly life.

An interesting note is that Aparigraha discusses possessions in a sense of not only material possessions, but also in emotional attachment and sensual pleasures.  Can we expand this thought to include the body?  For example, is body-building a form of attachment and accumulation?  Are we accumulating muscles or even ultimate flexibility in asanas for a yogi?  When I think of Jainism / Buddhism / Hinduism, I think of great minds letting go of the form all together.  I think of astral beings and conscious expansion, not the body.  

When I tihnk of great saints like Sri Sri Ravi Shankar / The Dalai Lama / Baba Ram Dev / Amma, I do not look towards their bodies as a sign of enlightenment, rather it's quite the opposite.  I look towards their minds and vibrations, towards their wisdom and knowledge, towards utlimately, their grace.

A Glimpse

I am now approaching nearly 2 years away from my in-depth gunner approach to spirituality.  I was a die-hard Brahmacharya, wearing my mala beads, sporting my beard, and dressed up in the kurta pajama of an aspiring yogi on the outside, but on the inside it was a different story.  On the inside, my mind was racing, my emotions dominated me, and I lacked any clarity of mind.  I had no control over my thoughts &/ emotions.  I felt the racing mind…I sometimes joked that my mind / thoughts / mental state was like Rainman.  I realize now that depth in yoga begins with the internal state of mauna, or silence.  I remember an exam question from my MA program in Yoga and the question was alluding to the journey from the external to the internal.  I don’t remember the semantics, but I do remember the point.  The point is to go inwards, to dive within the mind, the silence, the self…to go deeper in yoga beyond this physical reality.  I can’t believe I moved so far away from yoga and pretty much completely returned to worldly life, to a life free of the desire for liberation, for self-realization.  I literally went back to smoking, drinking alcohol, working out, and chasing women.   I began focusing on money, my image, and women. I knew that this pursuit was devoid of any depth, any yoga, but I realized after nearly two years, that I had become quieter, that I had left Rainman behind…gratefully.  I know that in another few years, I’ll likely write about this again and become a witness to the progress that has taken place, but for now, I feel that the progress, as difficult as it was, was monumental, was worth all of the pain, the trials and tribulations, the anger, frustration, and sorrow that accompanied this treacherous journey.  I don’t know what lies ahead, but then again, do we need to?  Can I simply be present to this moment?  Can I become a witness to this ever present moment free from any desires / goals regarding the future?  Can I simply abide in now regardless of what may / may not happen in a month, a year, or even 10 years.  So what?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that this moment exists.  I am here.  I am now.  I am this moment. 

How do we become comfortable abiding in this moment?  How do we become this ever-present moment?  How do we let go of this desire to understand what’s happening in the present moment?  How do learn to simply let go.  As I recently heard, “take out the trash…the trash is in here” as Socrates points to the young student’s head in Peaceful Warrior. 

There’s a certain freedom that comes from letting go of this worldly life, this desire to be with others, to have money, materialistic wealth, prestige, romantic partners, or even company.  I read Sivananda today and realized the value of abiding within, of being with the self, alone and self-sufficient, but at the same time letting go of the ego, desires, and pain / pleasure identification. 

I wonder now how to become free of pride, prejudices, and that feeling of judgement.  How do we become free of negativity.  Really, how do we simply become a witness to all of these random thoughts, emotions, and “words” that come into our mind?  I believe the first two chapters of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras deal with overcoming the small mind.  I believe we can spend lifetimes tackling this small mind of ours.  I believe to overcome this small mind is to find silence, true silence.

I now realize why the advanced course is called The Silence Course.  This is the answer…this is the way.

Abiding in this rambling of words…

An Aspiring Yoga Dude.

Years in Life

Years in Life

I attended a friend’s 40th birthday party tonight and was happy to see so many familiar faces, but it also made me wonder if this world is mine...and is it theirs?   This worldly life.  I enjoyed seeing friends and their own journeys from single women I knew as friends or former partners to well settled & contented mothers, doctors, professors, &/ entrepreneurs.  I do feel proud of the amazing women that have crossed my path in one way or the other.  

I loved hearing SK’s perspective on how AI just had a baby one month ago, is breast feeding, & is hosting an amazing party with three little ones at home.  I sincerely am impressed with AI’s progress in life.

Deep down inside though, I feel as though something is missing in this worldly life.  I feel as though there is something much greater than pursuing our own pleasures, money, status, relationships, and even families.  I feel strange writing this as I myself am the product of a loving family.  I am even dating, but there is still something far greater than this worldly life.

The attraction of the spirit, of Brahma, of the Purusha, seems far greater than anything this worldly appearance &/ experience can offer.  The state of being in yoga seems far greater a joy, an ecstasy, if you will.  The depth of being with your self, with your true nature, with truth, I believe, far outweighs anything this world appearance can offer.  Even as I feel as though I have almost every comfort I could imagine, I know something is missing...I know there is a truth far beyond what my small mind can comprehend right now.  I know truth exists.  I know there is something far greater than what I perceive, even what I believe.

I know this state of yoga exists.  I felt like I made the right decision to let go of Kriya Yoga’s indoctrination this weekend.  I was happy to meet Swamiji, but knew that is not my truth.

I can only wonder at the possibility for omnipresence, omnipotence, & omniscience.  I can only wonder at the surrender that must be necessary to truly let go of all of these concepts that we hold onto so tightly, even our bodies.  I know we should not hurt ourselves, but I wonder if, in the name of spirituality, is it Tapas when the body is used for another’s benefit?  Is it right?  Is it ethical?  And finally, is it moral?  I believe these questions and my experiences over the past couple of years have distanced myself from love.  Simply put, tapas has distanced myself from love, from divine love.  Is that part of the path?

An Aspiring Yogi

A Decision to Continue

This evening, I was excited to see someone that I have mistaken for Gurudev, someone that I love very much, someone I have looked up to as my beloved Gurudev, someone I spent 6 straight weeks learning from.  I spent the day thinking about him and even wrote an intimate letter to him, but as I sat waiting for him, I realized that this is not the time to change my course.  I am going through something intense and powerful.  I'm not sure where it will lead me / where I am going, but I know that I must continue.  I know that something is carrying me, is polishing this diamond into a yogi that will shine one day.  Even if this diamond must be worn for some time.  I can feel the pain and the reminder of penance.  There's a Sanskrit word for penance, which I have forgotten, but many yogis go through so much self-mutilation and torture to overcome their bodies and minds.  I can barely move my right arm without nerve sensations, but I somehow manage to move everyday.  I have stopped working out and am reminded of the damage in my neck almost on the hour.  Even though this mind and body feel tortured, I know deep down inside that something is progressing, something is growing, something somewhere tells me that this is right, now matter how painful this is.  No matter how unhappy, miserable, painful, or regretful I feel, I must remind myself to surrender to the unknown, to the big mind.  I must let go of this small thinking mind and realize something far greater than myself, my small mind.  I will survive.  I will live like a yogi.  I will focus on the prescription of Patanjali's Yoga Sutras, the Yamas and Niyamas.

I feel as though I have moved away from Gurudev's prescription for preparation for higher states of yoga.  I feel my worldly life and the prana that has moved away from me.  After I realized that I am committed to something far greater than myself, I realize that the small minded sacrifice of pleasure, comfort, happiness, and joy, are short-term sacrifices one has to make to achieve self-realization.

Even if I have to live like a beggar, like a sadhu, I would do it. I would drop everything to achieve sel-realization, to achieve an awakening.

May my body, my mind, and my spirit be with the Purusha, with Gurudeva. 

In deep surrender regardless of this small-minded state of mind,

An Aspiring Yogi

On Loneliness

On Loneliness 

Recently, the Surgeon General of the US declared a psychiatric epidemic related to loneliness.  He said that Americans are struggling emotionally & mentally / psychologically because they are lonely.  He concluded that workplace isolation & overworked Americans do not socialize enough.  He recommended workplace group outings and more opportunities for coworkers to be more authentic and socially intimate due to an evermore digital professional & personal life.  

I agree, but I think there is more.  I think loneliness is a symptom / effect of unhappiness.  My spiritual teacher once said that if you saw a great movie, wouldn’t you want to tell others to see it too?  I believe we naturally and simply want to share joy.  When we feel elated and happy, I think we begin to naturally connect with others and also radiate with a warmth that attracts others.  I believe our energy state (prana) resonates with others when we are happy.  I believe the fundamental issue is contentment / happiness (santosha).

A fundamental paradigm shift is needed.  We need to shift from the pursuit of selfish pleasures to selfish joy.  Even selfless service can be selfish...ultimately, YOU get to feel happy & connected to other human beings & your community.

There is an ancient Chinese proverb that says:

If you want happiness for an hour -- take a nap. 

If you want happiness for a day -- go fishing. 

If you want happiness for a month -- get married. 

If you want happiness for a year -- inherit a fortune. 

If you want happiness for a lifetime -- help someone else. 

This is really beautiful and I think it’s so true.  I hope more Americans will take the time out to start their day with the mindset of:  how can I help someone today?  How can I be of selfless service to another person?

A wise teacher once told me, when your responsibility increases, your belongingness increases.  When your belongingness increases, your responsibilities increase.  He said that responsibility equates to empowerment.  When we feel responsible for people in our community / the world, we feel empowered to do something and be of selfless service to help another human.  I believe this is the antidote to loneliness &/ unhappiness.

He said the happiest people lower their personal needs & increase their responsibilities.

With Love for this great country where I grew up.  God bless America.  Does anyone need my help?  Love.

On Leaving the Path

Blog entry:  

October 5th, 2017

As I set out to leave this country that I thought I would spend the remaining 40 years of my life, I realize that it's not that easy to simply let go...of a culture, a people, a way of life.  I leave with a feeling of having to let go of something that I loved, something that became a part of me, a part of him.  I realize that this was simply not my time.  I am grateful for this time to reflect on what should be a happening.  I feel as though I will return to this journey, this path in my fifties.  I hope to dedicate the next several years to finding love, maybe having a family, and achieving great worldly success.  I look forward to helping those less fortunate while working very hard in this worldly life.  I simply depart with a heavy heart.  I trust my gut and know that I have unfinished work to do in this lifetime.  I will surrender this burning desire for self-realization to a later time / life stage / life...for now is not the time.

I met a beautiful woman recently.  Every time I see her face, I feel a deep sense of connectedness that I rarely feel with another human being.  I feel a sense of emotional connectedness and a sense of space.  I remember when I was in loving relationships, I would often simply be...I would often simply be in contentment.  My third girlfriend used to imply that I was so easily contented.  I was.  I feel, as my love for my beloved Gurudev has diminished, I feel a strong desire to find romantic love.  I feel as though this was something I spent several years reading about & daydreaming about.  As I grow older, I feel a strong desire to be in a loving and emotionally connected relationship with a woman vs. simply pursuing my own physical pleasures.  I feel as though a life partner would be joyful.  I feel peaceful alone, but I know there's a greater joy in having a life partner.  I now realize that this life partner is someone to serve, to listen to from the space of silence, someone to care for and cherish, and someone to share the joys & sorrows of life.  I feel as though a life partner would offer depth and balance in an otherwise turbulent mental, spiritual, and physical existence.

September 19th, 2017

Today, I let go being a meditation teacher.  I just smoked shisha.  My next stop is Social for a beer.  I am finally done.  My time ran out.  As I took this plunge to protect my life, I apologized to my spiritual teacher and knew I had to take a break.  I know my time ran out...I hope to find another way in time.  For now, I am simply here, now, & in this moment...here, alone, & still alive.  I will survive.  I will stay alive.  I simply wanted to escape misery & being tortured.

I am grateful for the time and attention my teacher gave me.  I feel as though I had many teachers over the past 14 years.  I am grateful to my parents for having introduced me to him.  I hope to reconnect in 5 to 10 years.  For now, I will take a deep dive into this worldly life.  I feel as though this is my sincerity.  In time, I will find this peace & love I am searching for.  For now, let's party like rock stars.

September 18th, 2017

I am leaving today.  I am miserable & feel tortured.  Even as I am sick, I am not able to sleep & feel that some outside force is exerting physical pain on my body & mind.  I am not able to rest & am not able to feel any joy / happiness.  I feel depressed & want to leave.  I have reached the point where I feel like I am being used & tortured too often.  My whole body aches & I simply want an escape from this.  Just as some use drugs / alcohol to escape their stress, I will have to use drugs & alcohol to escape this feeling of being used & abused.  I have no other choice.  I am sad that Gurudev did not help me.  He simply became a witness to my torture.  I thought he would be there for me, but he wasn't.  I leave with a heavy heart.

 September 10th, 2017

In Union 

I realized today that there is really nothing that I want to do.  I mean, I don't want to do anything.  I really just want to be.  I don't want a job or to work for anyone.  I don't want to take orders or have to answer to anyone...I simply want to abide in yoga.  I really enjoy doing intro talks & taking (teaching) courses.  I enjoy my schedule of sadhana, coffee shop, & the gym.  It would be nice to mix in some seva & intro talks & maybe network with some companies, universities and other organizations in town, but for the most part, I think I'm beginning to just chill...it's almost like I'm becoming lazy, but I'm still willing to work hard for something I'm passionate about...I almost feel guilty!  

I almost teared up today when I realized that there really is nothing else I want to do...I simply want to be a yogi.  There's no money / fame / power / attention that I'm seeking anymore.  I do believe that I still want to be in love.  I used to be deeply in love with my Gurudev, but I feel more disconnected / maybe dispassionate about him now.  I don't feel like going to satsangs / even meeting Gurudev...I'm simply content in just being.  There is nothing that I really want / need from this world...

It would be nice to fall in love again.  I thought Gurudev had filled that space beautifully, but that space is empty again...maybe that space was emptied for a reason...maybe I am supposed to pursue a life partner, a wife to share my life with.  I feel as though I do have enough to provide a good life for a family...maybe this is what Gurudev wants...it doesn't really matter anymore.

For now, I'm looking forward to just chilling in Koramangala, doing the AirBnB thing, and enjoying the gym.  I'll hopefully join some organizations & maybe teach some classes in financial Independence.  I would like to do some more intro talks too, but I no longer have a burning desire to teach.  I think I'm good just being...

Looking forward to a life of being vs. doing...a life of becoming a human being.

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