Witnessing Sickness

Lately, I’ve noticed that my Mom has an irritation / frustration / some stress in her voice.  She uses the words, you “should” a lot and seems to want to direct others with her ideas.  I believe her mind races, but with good intention.  She enjoys a large circle of friends, planning events, and religious activities.  My parents both have always enjoyed socializing.  I believe this has kept them really mentally healthy and emotionally centered.  

My Mom seems to carry some stress or frustration in her voice.  This dissolved when she got COVID.  A sense of surrender and helplessness arose.  Her desire to direct others / influence others fell off.  A sense of surrender blossomed.  A kind humility surfaced in her voice.  A tone in her voice radiated some calm and peace at the surrender involved in simply “letting go.”  She no longer felt the need to control the outcome / situation, to influence others, or fight my Dad on something.  She no longer had to battle her own inner demons.  She simply had to focus on her health.  No other stresses to worry about.  All she has to do is let go.

Is this what we witness in everyday life?  We’re constantly striving for one thing or another.  We want a better job, or nicer home, or more time with our loved ones / beloved Gurudeva.  We are chasing / striving / wanting to do more, accomplish more, discover more, attain more, more, more, more…we are constantly seeking.  When we are confronted by our own lack of control, I believe we let go.  The seeking stops, the desire to influence, to attain, or any other ambition, simply falls off.

As a dear friend once said to me, we have this innate desire to “contribute.”  We want to feel as though our life has an impact on others, the community, society.  How can we find balance in selfless service, fruitless service to others, and witnessing.  I believe the key here is witnessing.  How do we find the space?  How do we simply let go.  

As my Mom’s health returns, I suspect she will busy herself and resume her social activities and getting along with my Dad after 54 years of marriage.  As her normal routines return, I wonder how she can maintain that sense of humble surrender as her state of mind.  I wonder if she wants to.  I wonder if she even realizes it.  

How do we let go…

In humble surrendering,

An Aspiring Yogi. 

On Food and Digestion

 I just spent the better part of 9 days fasting on liquids.  I would drink a Venti Starbucks Chai Latte / Decaf Almond Milk Mocha / maybe a chocolate milk shake from McDonalds.  I was unable to pass a bowel movement since I left Charlotte for some reason unknown to me.  I write this and realize my selfishness in referring to the experience of I, me, and my; but this experience left a very lasting impression.  I no longer desire to be free of eating / food.  I realize the joy of eating and the energy that food provides.  I don’t fully understand how we end up disrespecting others, but I do realize that we do at times make mistakes that may even be repeated due to ignorance / lack of control of mind / thoughts.  I find myself disrespecting people unknowingly, but I surrender the thought to God &/ Guru.  I simply chant Om Nama Shivaya and surrender the ignorance.  

The experience of this low energy state coupled with a very upset stomach made me realize the power of the stomach to transform emotions.  An upset stomach can lead to negativity and tamsic inertia.  The opposite I believe also holds true.  The power of fresh fruits and vegetables, freshly prepared lentils and rice, can uplift the spirit and help us maintain a state of sattva.  I have a newfound respect for Ayurvedic cooking.  I realize the benefit of providing the body with nutritious well-balanced food in the right quantity at the right time.  Ayurvedic food can potentially uplift our spirits and give us a tremendous reservoir of energy.

One thought that lingers from this experience of not eating for 9 days is how does the mind and Atma deal with leaving the body at the time of death.  Does the mind still crave for food when the body is dropped?  Does this craving for tasty foods become bondage for taking another body?  

The craving for sex, I believe, begins to diminish as we age.  I feel as though the craving for sweets has diminished significantly as I have aged.  I no longer crave spicy and overly sugary foods.  I can only guess that the craving for sex and food will diminish as I age, but I wonder.

Imagine the mind and atma free from the body.  At the time of death, as the body is dropped, does the mind also drop certain cravings?  I believe the Upanishads and Gitas are teaching us to drop these cravings as we get older.  Maybe this is why some elderly eat very lightly.  Their capacity to eat larger meals goes down as we get older.  I have experienced only eating one to two meals a day as I approach age 50.  I now take triphala to ensure healthy digestion and take vitamins to prevent sickness.

Even though the body may be able to get by with just water / maybe even be free from high quantities of water, I believe we need healthy food and water / hydration to balance our emotions and state of sattva.

Can we get by on less?  Yes, absolutely.  As Sivananda once wrote, a little bit of this and a little bit of that.  

The Buddha once meditated for several days and upon near collapse, reached for some rice pudding / kheer and realized that the body needs some food for energy.  The Buddha also likely realized that he needed some water too.

Swami Rama had once meditated on the banks of the Ganges for 13 days, and after some days, all he could think about was food.  Imagine the discipline of sadhus in India / the homeless in the US.  They are likely food conscious so often.  We have so much to be grateful for. 

In terms of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the base layer is food, safety, and shelter.

Another aspect of being sick with digestive issues for 9 days, is the concept of surrendering everything.  In this surrender, in the present moment, as this sickness occurred, I had no choice but to move forward.  How can we adapt to adversity and maintain equanimity?  I had felt upset at times, but had no choice but to move forward.  In the face of discontent, I realized my selfishness.  I still feel selfish as I had spent time dwelling on my own needs and wants.

How do we truly become selfless?  How do we surrender our own needs?  How do we achieve silence?  I believe all of our struggles are but to reach this silence in surrender.  How can we find equanimity and silence even when faced with great difficulty and adversity.  

How can we learn self defense in a world filled with so much violence?  How can we protect others?  How do we make our children strong?  Not only physically strong, but mentally strong?  When a child is bullied, how do we make them strong enough to combat the verbal abuse?  How do we teach children to protect not only themselves, but others around them?  

I don’t know the answer to many of these questions, but I assume that the answer so often depends on the situation.  I struggle with the concept that we have world hunger and human violence and starvation and severe human abuse, but we have individuals striving to put man in space as leisure travel.  I don’t get it.  Is this the irony of human nature or rather the complexity of human existence.  The world is so complex.

I’m left wondering how we can be simply be free.  Be grateful for rest, energy, food, meditation, family and friends.  Be grateful to serve others.  Ultimately, be grateful to do his work.  I feel as though I’m rambling now, but more than ever, you take away someone’s ability to eat for some days, and he / she will realize the value of our most basic needs.  Food, shelter, water...imagine what people must go through in a hospital room attached to a feeding tube / respirator.  They have effectively dropped eating and drinking.  

Imagine the human condition...everyday, every moment.

Ever grateful for the opportunity for depth.

Love & Jai Guru Deva,

An Aspiring Yogi

On Ego and Desire

On Ego.

I felt a sense of separation from this group that I met today.  I felt separate as though the group that I was meeting was somehow different from me.  They all seemed so nice and free, they seemed to enjoying “time pass” as I have learned in the East.  I feel as I spend more time alone, I am unable to relate to groups of two or more people.  I feel as though I’m becoming more and more introverted during this time as many others are too.  During this time of isolation in the pandemic, how are people feeling more connected?  How can we engage one another more and simply be comfortable with a group of people, like sangha chatvam (sp?).  How do we move as one?  Gurudev Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says that as our responsibilities increase, our sense of belongingness increases.  I’ll bet that as I do more seva there, I will feel more connected to the community at the co-op.  Gurudev says that as belongingness increases, responsibility increases.  Reminds me of a story of a senior Landmark Forum teacher that once did humanitarian banking work in Africa.  She shared about her and her husband working diligently in Kenya / some other part of Africa to improve the economy and banking system there.  I felt as though she had really connected with the African community.  Her sense of belongingness must have been quite deep and large.  I think our belongingness can break barriers, stereotypes, and prejudices.  The people we feel separate from, we have to serve.

On Desire.

I found an intriguing invitation on Shaadi today.  I declined the invite, but remember the name and decided to look her up on Facebook.  I thought she lived in another city and did not really take her invitation seriously.  Little did I know, she was gorgeous.  I felt a deep sense of attraction and really enjoyed looking at her online pictures.  As I projected far away from the present moment, planning our marriage / engagement, I felt a very deep sense of resistance.  I felt a deep sense of insincerity.  I felt that I was betraying my own path of spirituality.  I do believe that Rishis and marriage are sacred and spiritual, but for some reason, not for me.  Regardless, I felt a pang of discomfort in my mind.  The thought of getting into a marriage did not feel right.  Maybe when the right person comes along, there will be absolutely no doubt, but hard to imagine at this age.  I’m 45 now.  

The thought that comes to mind now is how do we move away from this sense of “I” “me” and “my.”  I have lately felt stuck with material objects, money, wealth, romantic love, really all deeply worldly thoughts.  When I was at Sivananda Ashram, a beautiful thought they wrote about on their website was the idea of working for the greater good vs. yourself.  How do we shift from thinking about the work we can do to improve our own lives vs. the greater good.  I believe teaching and ashram life can provide great opportunities to serve others.  How can we foster this in every day life?  In the world, how do we move to improve the greater good.  I believe this requires service to others, to a group of people.  How can we really move the needle for others, a group, more than this small mind.  

Striving to move from working for “I” “me” “my” to serving the greater good.

In Divinity, in Discipline, in Disciple.

An Aspiring Yogi.

So Off Track

 During a pandemic, started shopping for new cars...

Instead of serving others, thinking about and even shopping for cars.

Instead of preventitive measures, going out and test driving vehicles.

People are dying.  POTUS has COVID.  People are isolated and think about the people that have lost loved ones...1M dead worldwide, 200k in the US.  People are sick...and you're thinking about a stupid car you don't need.  What happened?  How did you get so off track?

Focus on helping others.  Think about those you can support / help.  Think about people that are in need / may need a friend / support.  Think of those alone.  

Where are we as a people?  How is it that China was able to come together and isolate and cure their entire country...why can't we do the same?

After looking at the numbers, I came to the conclusion to simply live your life with precaution...use a face mask, face shield, and gloves.  Socially distance and wash hands often.  Be smart.  No large groups / gatherings.  Take care of people...live your life with balance...keep one foot on the ground.

As for car shopping...you were helping a parent and there will be more to come tomorrow.  Let the pandemic pass until you continue car shopping...their needs are met right now.  Focus on needs vs. wants.  What responsibilities can we take on right now?

An Aspiring Yogi.

The Social Dilemma

 Blog Entry 09/30/2020

Day 7 of my internet and social media technology fast

I am on Day 7 evening of my week long technology fast.  After watching a Netflix Documentary on the addictive effects of the internet and social media, I decided to take a week off from the internet.  I want to document my experiences here and share what insight I had.

The greatest impact was equanimity and peace of mind.  On the first day, I felt like I really had to push through a barrier and just sit with myself.  I was so used to escaping my thoughts, negative emotions, and general discomfort with myself by watching movies on Netflix and Amazon Prime.  I decided to just sit in my desk chair with the lights off and be with the discomfort.  The discomfort surprisingly quickly faded away.  I still felt great discomfort at times, but I told myself that it was possible to push through this and be free of the constant need for distraction, movies, emails, social media, &/ the internet.

I spent a lot of times with negative thoughts, with depressing thoughts about others, about loved ones, and friends.  I eventually found silence within a few days.  By the final day, I actually felt like my mind was drifting  and I actually missed teaching my yoga class on Day 7.  I caught myself at times having superficial &/ comedic thoughts and realized that these thoughts are not my nature.  I felt as though I was projecting a superficial version of myself at times.  I know I can maintain a state of equanimity and peace.  

I began doing more Japa and found peace in chanting Om Nama Shivaya.  On Day 7, I actually did yoga twice in one day, worked on a project I had been delaying for some time, and had even completed the finishing touches on my parents backyard and garden.  I really enjoyed the time away from technology.  Most importantly, I enjoyed simply being with myself in greater silence.  I realize that with less technology, we have more time to serve others and the community.  We have more time to connect with friends and family.  We have more patience and are better listeners.  We are more patient with ourselves.  I literally moved slower this past week.  I relaxed more.  I felt more clarity of mind and even relaxed eyes.  The greatest gift was my ability to really connect sincerely and authentically with others.  I was actually able to get a friend of mine, a yoga student, to help another friend of mine, a fellow PT patient, in need.  How cool is that?

I think we have to balance technology and social media.  I would like to do another experiment with being free of my phone for a week, but feel that I would rather help people and connect with them.  Maybe one day in the future, I will go into silence again.  I have been in up to 10 days of silence, and it’s powerful.  There are so many levels to silence.  The most basic is keeping your lips closed, but the most powerful is slowing the thoughts.  How do we get this mind into deep silence?

I hope to adapt a lifestyle free of movies and TV shows, of the need to find comfort and relaxation in watching something.  I think there is a much deeper relaxation in simply being with yourself.  When the walls cave in, can we simply be still and look up at the stars?  

With a renewed and inspired spirit,

An Aspiring Yogi.

Groundhog Day

 Blog Entry 09/26/20

Groundhog Day

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to abide in infinity?  Imagine if this day were to repeat exactly the same way ever single day?  Externally, not much changes, but internally, how we deal with infinity can and must change dramatically.  Bill Murray, the main character, experiences this and even sees what is going to happen before it happens.  He becomes so accustomed to the outside environment, that he naturally turns inwards and even says that he’s abiding in infinity.  How do stop pursuing constant change externally so we can pursue pratayahara, or turning inwards?

How do we find contentment in this moment right now, completely abiding in right now.  Bill Murray goes on to pursue pleasure, wealth, & even love, before ultimately finding his dharma in selflessly serving others and witnessing the world come to him.  

Sri Sri says that when we stop chasing after our small minded worldly desires, the world starts chasing after us.  How do we become so selfless that we completely drop the “I, me, & my” & truly makes others a complete priority.  How do we make the concept a reality?

At the end of the movie, Bill Murray, spends his  entire day helping others and even coming to peace at the death of an elderly gentlemen.  He beautifully learns and shares his talent on the piano and takes on so much responsibility to constantly help others in his community.  His sense of belongingness expands well beyond his own life, his own desires, his own small mind.  Ultimately he finds his way out of the repetition of his day, like finding Mauna out of the repetition of Japa.  He finds dharma, his life purpose, or “the art of living.”

At a Crossroads

 I'm wondering what to do next.  I have to leave where I am and I am unsure of what to do next.

I have a few options:

1) Move to Austin

If I moved to Austin, I would end up renting a 1/1 or remodeling Balaji and Radhika's place.  I would continue to teach yoga online and simply workout every day.  I would go for a 5 to 10 mile walk / day and workout in my apartment.  I would end up buying a bed and a couch.  I may get this from my sister's house.  I would likely simply teach yoga a few times / more / week.  I may get into real estate and broker a few deals here and there until I feel comfortable going back into yoga studios.  I still feel restricted about dating and not sure I would, but would like to meet Rebecca and Daljinder in Austin among other friends.  Would be nice to meet Paresh and Melody too.  I could help Doug as well and meet Rachel.  I am honestly, still uncomfortable meeting people face to face, so would likely spend a LOT of time alone.  I may get back into Turo and maybe manage a few of the Lexus hybrids.  This would last for another 9 months.

2) Head to India

My second option is to move to Rishikesh and live with Shivani at Aloha on the Ganges.  If she ends up dating that psychiatrist, then I would likely find a 1/1 or 2/2 in the same building.  I would eventually shift to the AOL / Parmarth Niketan Ashram and do full-time seva there.  I would likely feel isolated there too as the pandemic is still growing in India.  I would feel uncomfortable with the journey and may easily risk getting sick through air travel, airports, taxi service, and eventually reaching India.  I would likely feel very lonely and isolated there as I would only know some ashramites and Shivani.

3)  Seva Study Program in CA.

The third option is to head to the Yoga Farm in Northen California.  I would quarantine for 14 days and then get more involved in day-to-day full-time seva duties.  I would likely build relationships with the other ashramites and work hard.  I would love to be there and help and would feel a deeper sense of purpose vs. living in Austin.  I would build relationships and feel like I'm living my purpose, or dharma.  I would stay busy and also get to know and live in California.  I would likely work and do seva and do some sadhana as well.  I would get permission to do Sudarshan Kriya on a daily basis and meditate with the group when possible.  I would feel like I have people around me and feel comforted by the sangha.  My only fear is that this option may lead to severe pain in the body.  I would have the comfort of sangha, which may help me through any difficulties there.  I would likely benefit from being with others a lot.  I would not feel isolated or alone.  I feel that this is likely my best option.  If the opportunity presents itself, I could shift to the Boone Ashram / Bangalore Ashram / Virginia Ashram in the spring.  I would also have more ashram experience and time under my belt improving my chances of getting full-time seva somewhere else.  

The Door of Maya

 

I had just finished a few rounds of Om Nama Shivaya Japa and I looked out the window.  I saw the hallway light's outline of the bedroom door in the reflection of the window.  What does this door, that appears in the mind's eyes to exist, but does not.  Isn't that like most of life?  We are chasing after goals and dreams and worried about what does not exist, and rarely are we present to this moment realizing that the future does not exist right now.  We are looking out the window into the future, concerned about some event that does not exist...so far away from the reality of this moment.  Our minds are dreaming of some time after now or after I do this or after this happens constantly robbing ourselves of right now.  We rarely seem to abide in now.  Why is that?  Why can we not abide in the present moment?  What's so glorious about the past / future?  I catch myself in this maya, this nonexistent moment.  I am often looking out the glass window at some door that does not exist; some moment that does not exist right now, instead of abiding in God's room, quite literally.  We have a room with a Mandir (Indian temple) and I like to do my sadhana in it.  How can we be in complete contentment in this moment?  We seem to be ever chasing after this imaginary door, as if some future moment will be better than right now.  If we do this, than I'll be happy.  If I work on something, than I will be happy.  If this, then that.  We will spend our whole lives chasing after some moment that does not exist...it's nuts!  And then...we die and most people are so scared to die.  I wonder why do we spend our whole lives wondering about some door that does not exist in certain fear of a moment that does not exist for now?!?  How funny is that?  We are everywhere but here right now.  As beautiful as that door is, and as beautiful as the wonder of opening that door, can we simply be contented abiding in God's room?  He's with us all the time.  He's right here, right now, but we keep mumbling to ourselves and keep running on some nonexistent hamster wheel...that literally goes nowhere, but we seem to keep striving, never really simply abiding in the nonchanging truth.  I believe this nonchanging truth begins with deep silence.  I imagine many people spend their whole life hoping to open the door, never realizing that the door does not exist outside in front of their eyes, but deep within their own essence, within themselves, completely devoid of all worldly pursuits.  Buddha was said to have been enticed in every way before he became enlightened.  He almost died and in that near death he must have experienced silence.  He found his way of defending himself from life's cravings and aversions.  He found his truth, his essence.  He stopped looking at the door that doesn't exist and turned inwards.

A New Car / Partner?

I feel an overwhelming sense of desire / hankering for some material good.  I keep looking at cars...I am unsure why I keep looking at something that I have replaced over and over again with insatiable desire.  These cars are like women.  You keep pursuing someone, you date them, get into a relationship with them, and then at some point, for whatever reason, the relationship ends, whether as boyfriend / girlfriend or man and wife.  The divorce rate is 50% in the US with 75% of children raised by single parent households.  Cars for Americans have become like their love life...we seem to change them a little too often.  Why?  What craving / desire / lust do we have that seems insatiable?  What is wrong with the beautiful, caring, reliable, attractive, loyal, and authentic vehicle that I drive now?  What’s funny is that you could say this for a partner.  What craving / desire keeps on arising?  Is there someone more attractive, someone that I’ll get along better with?  Is there someone that I’ll fight less with?  Is there someone with lower miles, more reliable, less major breakdowns, less maintenance?  As the saying goes, is she low maintenance / high maintenance?  Will I look better dating someone else?  Will I look / feel better driving another vehicle?  Why can’t we simply “row this boat we’ve chosen?”  Why do I look at women / cars?  I’ve accumulated so many impressions driving different vehicles and dating different women...which is it?  They both represent some ongoing desire that never ends...how do we become content?  Is the answer no partner, no vehicle?  Or is the answer in simply becoming full contented with what you have, who you are with?  How do we move from, this sense of craving, to contentment / santosha?  Why did I break up with my last girlfriend that I was with?  She was gorgeous, well educated, came from a good family, we got along great.  She thought our debates were fights...I had no idea we even fought.  I loved her so much, but for reason, I could not commit.  In the same sense, why is that we keep changing vehicles, homes, jobs, gurus, furniture, partners, etc.?  As Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, my Guru, said, “the mind wants something new, and the heart wants something old.”  How do we move from head to heart.  My Guru also says to work from the head and serve from the heart.  If we are to make our life as service to others, how do we abide in our hearts.  How do we become love.  How do we love people?  How do we serve them?  My favorite quote from Sri Sri, is “Give and give and give love.”  Seems easier said than done...I think he says it three times because we need to listen to it over and over and over again... 

Twisted Growth

I saw this tree on my walk a few days ago and thought about our growth as human beings.  The trunk of this tree seemed so twisted over so many years, yet appeared so beautiful in it's vast glory.  As the trunk seemed twisted, I realized the trunk still appeared straight; as though life had over several decades, taken the water out of a towel, or taken the learning out of the learned.  How do we empty our minds?  This trunk seemed to visualize the mind emptying over so many decades.  In the process of emptying, the trunk became hardened and the trunk appeared so strong and firm, able to hold the resulting massive branches and canopy that the tree carried.  This tree, as an adult over time, provided so much shade to the earth around her.

Imagine the years of growth and the shade that this tree provided(s).  The tree had such beautiful branches and leaves, with no sign of discontent.  The massive growth that occured from the trunk and the vast amount of shade that the branches provide is beautiful.  How do we provide shade and comfort to others?  How do we become lighthouses and beacons of hope for others?  How do we become so still, so firmly rooted in ourselves, that we become solid as a rock, even as our growth is twisted and hardened by years of life?

In this picture, we still are unable to truly see the vast and infinite nature of this live oak tree.  Here we can see a view of the whole tree, but do we really see it?

Here's a more comprehensive view of this tree.  You see the tree end-to-end, but do you really see the tree?  No, you only see what your mind perceives.  Your limited, small mind, only sees what is above the earth.  Do you see that this tree nourishes and takes care of so many other trees around it?  Underground?  Do you see the vast network of nodes and life underneath the earth?  Do you see the nurturing and development of other life deep under the surface of the earth?  The beauty and magic of the infinite is unseen, and cannot be fathomed or comprehended by our small minds...I can't even imagine what is really happening in concsiousness, but I imagine that this consciousness is molding life to improve, to serve, to be of selfless service to others.





I leave this space here to represent what's unseen...the truth, I believe, is far beyond comprehension...

In Love and Service,

Jai Guru Deva.

An Aspiring Yogi.

Frustrations on Unsolicited Advice

Why do we get so frustrated with unsolicited advice?  Why is that I get frustrated with my parents and my sister giving advice?  I get tired of listening to people telling me what I should do / need to do.  I feel that I find getting help when I ask for it to be helpful, but receiving unsolicited advice is taxing on the mind for some reason.  I get tired listening to someone telling me what does not necessarily resonate with the mind.  I also get tired from intermittent pain.  I can only imagine / feel compassion for the amount of pain that my father feels.  He's a strong man for perservering.  I hope he is able to better manage his pain over time / overcome it completely. 

I think when we talk about ourselves, we attract unwanted attention within our own thoughts / in the world.  I feel a sense of exhaustion when my parents / others talk to me about me.  Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says that the quickest way to get depressed is to sit and think about ourselves and say, "what about me, what about me, what about me."  He's so right...this is the quickest way to depression!  The quickest way out is sadhana &/ selfless service to others.  These seem to be the best ways...

I wonder if I'm burned out...I know people experience worldly career &/ life burnout.  I wonder if people experience spiritual burnout.  If people simply get burned out on the spiritual path.  I sense that I would like to take a year / two or more to be normal again.  I think I put too much effort and thought into spirituality.  I don't know how to really relax anymore.  I find some peace in nature, but not sure what else to do.

I find abiding in nature seems to be the most healing. 

Lots of love to others,

An Aspiring Yogi.

On Life

I witness daily life and wonder...is this it?  How do we become more selfless and help others and drop this small mind's thoughts of I, me / my.  I see my parents and wonder about how their daily life is filled with repetition.  They seem happy and their main concern is health, but I feel as though there is more.  I have a dear friend around their age, a tad bit younger, and he's thoroughly miserable and alone.  Makes you wonder.  On the one hand there's a sense of daily ritual at some level of contentment and at another level there's this loneliness and isolation in misery.  In either circumstance, one dies alone, relatively speaking.  How do we create a full life of selfless service, harmony, and creating joy for others?  ...but the small mind says, "while maintaing some sense of self."  This small minded ego still yearns for relevance and identity.  How do we surrender this ego and dissolve in absolute nothing...how do five guys / sadhus live at a temple and cease to exist?  This paradox of dissolving seems very difficult, kind of like in that movie Peaceful Warrior, when the main actor, Dan Millman, let's go of himself when he's at the top of some monument.

How do we dissolve?  How do we let go?  How do simply be present? 

In all this world's strife, amidst the world's pandemic / epidemic, people are asked to shelter in place, people are sick and dying, and we still have police brutality and demonstrations, peaceful protests, and then violent riots.  How do we stop?  How do we, as a country, become still.  How do we become human beings.  Being is the most difficult thing.  Life seems easier when doing, but near impossible in being.

Seems like the happiest people, as they age, as seniors, seem to have developed life-long friendships and social circles, seem to live this life with belongingness and connectedness, with a sense of valuing relationships:  friends, life-partner(s), children, colleagues, family, community.  This belongingness seems a little contradictory to Sannyasi...makes you wonder.

Feeling Done

I have finally reached this place where I feel smaller in prayer, Japa, yoga, and any other form of sadhana.  I wish for my spiritual journey to completely end.  I feel as though this journey will lead to suicide.  I hope that this time will end and I will pursue this in my next life.  I am truly done.  I would love to find a full-time career and find a romantic partner or wife.  I have felt deeply tortured and miserable thinking about God and realized I am not spiritually right at this time.  I gave my 100% and would prefer to remain alive vs. committing suicide chasing after enlightenment.  Suicide is worse than chasing after God.  Better to remain alive and live a worldly life and serve others vs. end this life.  I hope I will be left alone to live a normal life.  I beg of God to please stop torturing me.  I am miserable because of the torture.  I do bounce back, but I don’t want to keep going this low after these torture sessions.  I beg of God & guru, please let me lead a normal worldly life.  I promise to walk away from my spirit ambition & path.  Please help me be free of this.  Let me be worldly.

On Professionalism

I had an interview today with a major industry leader.  I had a panel interview and I think it went well.  I enjoyed meeting the folks, but deep down inside, something did not feel right.  I did not feel like I was pursuing my dharma.  Something deep inside me feels like there is something else I should be doing with this lifetime.  I feel like our time is so short.  We are here for maybe 40, 50, 100 years.  This time can fly by.  There's a doctor from Hawaii who once said, that we have a mortgage on our soul and we spend our whole lifetime paying it back.  He says that most people live their life paying off this mortgage and they keep on manipulating data.  We can spend an entire lifetime in data analysis.  This is a metaphor for a rambling mind, a mind that deals with a steady stream of thoughts vs. the thoughtless state of samadhi / simply put, nothing.  How do we achieve this state of silence?  Why is it that almost all of us spend our lifetimes chasing after everything on the outside, but ignore the inner essence of our mind.  Why is it that we keep on buying a bigger house?  This bigger house translates to professional promotions, career aspirations, jobs, investments, partners, the perfect body, even better relationships with family and friends.  This seems to all prevent us from paying off our home.  Why?  I'm so frustrated by this constant mortgage...why is it that we keep on chasing after something when our ultimate goal is nothing???  Is this the nature of our small mind?  I'm unsure how to convince my own small mind to pursue silence.  I know deep down inside the answer lies in silence.  I also know the answer lies in selfless service, but I somehow keep ending up chasing after something and I'm not sure why.  I feel like I'm reitering this point...why are we here?  Why is there insincerity and insecurity.  Why is there this constant quest to achieve something when the goal is nothing.  I believe my teacher says we have to go through three steps to enlightenment:  1) something, 2) nothing, and 3) everything.  I'm at a loss why I'm here...but I feel like it's a crossroads.  Do I keep on dealing with this inner frustration and see it through, or do I "fill up."  Time will tell.  May we simply be present to this moment and get lost in the service of others. 

Seeking silence. 

Love & Jai Guru Deva,

An Aspiring Yogi.

Dharma at Risk

Dharma at Risk

I have decided to continue working in two psychiatric hospitals as a yoga therapist as the state of Texas has not issued a stay-at-home order.  I have been teaching online yoga classes from the yoga studios.  Two of the yoga studios that I teach at have closed.  I have been in so much pain recently that I made the conscious decision to risk my life in the service of others.  I believe that serving others in a hospital environment is a better way to risk your life than attempting anything else.  I am not afraid to die and would welcome death if it's in the service of others.  I believe I am making a significant life saving impact when I offer yoga and meditation to inpatients and outpatients.  I pause though as I'm willing to drop everything as a non-essential hospital employee and be with my parents if a stay-at-home order is issued in Austin / Texas.  I wonder though if I would be of any value to my parents.  I still feel obliged to teach here in Austin.  Ultimately, if stay-at-home is ordered, I'll stop working all jobs and just do what I can online from my folks house.  I believe I'm safe for now, though you never know...

On to others.  I spent some time with DN today.  She was recently dumped by the guy she was dating.  I felt bad for her and I know she is saddened by the break-up.  She came over and I made chai for her and we went to Rada Madhav Dham.  We attended Arti and we meditated there.  The environment was serene and I enjoyed being reminded of Lord Krishna and Swamiji.  I remember his warmth and peace.  I remember that what he offers is peace.  Radhe Radhe.  I know my path is different, but still enjoy thinking about Lord Krishna and Swamiji's path.  I still remember our first meeting in 1995 and how he was so calm when I told him I was an Atheist at that time.  I wonder if he had seen something I did not.  I wonder if it matters.  I wonder what we are to be a witness to and what to take action on in life.  As we witness / gain insight / intuition into others, are we to be a witness to this / do we help support / potentially change the outcome to improve another's life.  I believe the effect depends upon the circumstance.  I would hope to inspire positive change to improve others lives. 

Regarding RT, I hope she will make it to Tuesday's outpatient visit.  I think she has some deep seated challenges to work through.  I believe outpatient therapy can help her, but wonder what change she could benefit from through the spiritual path.  What's the right balance between spirituality and allopathic psychiatric medicines?  Can meditation replace allopathic medication?  I believe sometimes intensive allopathic medicines are needed.

On to DF.  He celebrated his 69th birthday yesterday alone.  At this time, isolation is recomended, so I did not feel bad, but I was concerned that he was alone.  He seems to not want to engage in socializing / service.  I was happy that his psychiatrist recommended he just continue with outpatient visits.  He seems to be in a better place now, but I feel that we all need some form of community.  I hope he can find a community of some sort.

In regards to silence, I'm uncertain what the goal is any longer.  I struggle with the physiological pain and this makes me want to stay in action.  I believe the pain in psysho-somatic and I'm unable to overcome it.  I simply have to make peace with it, but I feel better staying very busy.  The busier I am, the better I feel.  I believe this is why I'm willing to risk my life in the service of others.

Life is difficult.  The first sentence of The Road Less Traveled.  I feel grateful to have visited with an enlightened master in this lifetime.  Regardless of whether I live / die through this epidemic, I hope people will be able to turn inwards and dwell on something else besides the pandemic.

May our minds feel free and may we find some silence through this.

In devotion to Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.

Love & Jai Guru Deva,

An Aspiring Yogi

Getting Busy

Getting Busy

I feel as though my mind is filling up or busier.  I have been filling my day with so many activities and resolving existing responsibilities.  Today, for example, I had to take care of: 

1) paying off my credit cards from December 2019

2) checking to see if my final car payoff cleared the bank

3) working with the seller's realtor and my client on terminating a contract on a client's home purchase

4) working with a collision center on fixing one of my hybrid rental vehicles

5) meeting with my yoga studio manager on how my yoga classes are going

6) fixing my toe injury via my PCP and PT, podiatrist, etc.  The HMO is giving me the run around

7) taking the time to workout

8) taking the time to do a group relational meditation

9) checking in on friends and family 

10) following up on a dear friend's father in the hospital

The list goes on...the point is, I feel like my life is getting busier even though my life does not feel fuller.  Does that make sense?  Even though I'm teaching yoga full-time, I still don't feel like it's enough...like there is something missing.  Everytime I sit for sadhana, it's a painful endeavor.  I don't feel like it's time to turn inwards.  The longer I'm in this state of mind, the more I realize it may be time to move on with life...do you ever feel stagnant just being?  For as busy as I am, I begin to feel like it may be time for me to start the next chapter in my life...whatever that is.

I wonder if a full-time job, a home, a dog, &/ a romantic partner may make me happy.  I feel that this is selfish and that I need to be of service to others, but I feel like I'm unable to find a community / purpose to serve.  I feel far on the outside of The Art of Living.  Everytime I attempt to come close, I end up in mental / physical pain.  So I'm left with the question of what to do to better serve mankind, to help others, to become a selfless servant to others, to do his work.  

I feel that my mind oscillates between dharma and worldly life.  I look forward to the time when I can re-engage my spiritual path 100% and feel like I'm back to my single pointed focus on the divine.  For now, I feel like I'm simply trying to swim and not drown.

Left wondering...

An Aspiring Yogi.

On Money

I met with one of the founders of Door Dash today.  He sold his company and likely walked away with a multimillion dollar profit.  He has gone on to start a property management company and is doing tremendously well.  He's very successful and is backed by the likes of Vinod Khosla and other major venture capitalists.  We met today and we had an intense discussion and he asked me several times what I wanted. 

Before I get to that, we had some small talk and then he laid into me and I did the same on the way back.  His sales rep was pissed because she realized she wasn't getting the sale.  We went back and forth with an intensity I haven't felt in a while.  The room felt cold and I felt like I was in a bar...somewhere I wasn't supposed to be.  He was really hung over from their 1 year anniversary party  the night before and I actually respected his honesty and success.  He was blunt and disrespectful at times, but really got to the point.  The one thing that remains in my mind is that he felt that his time was worth more than mine.  Anyone who believes that is disillusioned.  My time belongs to those less fortunate. 

My time belongs to those less fortunate.  He asked what I wanted about three times.  I answered, "freedom."  Carly, his sales rep, interjected, what does that mean?  I wasn't able to get many words in, but I did see that more than anything, it's Kaivalya...freedom from the worldly entrapments that bond us.  I felt a longing to hustle and do business, to be a part of his team and make money, but at a superficial level.  Deep down inside, I realized I want freedom, to be a yogi, to walk this Earth with awareness and grace, with honor and respect, with humility and to find my true self.  All of these worldly things mean nothing in the face of truth.

No amount of money can make up for truth.  Ask a sanit or a sadhu if he would trade his freedom for $100M and he would definitively say No. 

I was asked to leave within an hour and I parted ways after telling the founder that his website was shit.  He had many listings / vacancies and I shared that this looked bad vs. his competition.  He asked me to simply leave.  I was humbled at that moment, but feel honored now that I write about it.

In this moment, I realized though, that the intensity of that moment brought about silence in the next.  When I walked out of that room I felt a sense of peace and silence.  That silence is what we're after. 

The beauty is in the silence between words, between thoughts.  I had a professor that once said, I paraphrase, pay attention to the silence between the words.  The silence is what we're after.  I believe freedom is in experiencing bliss and Ananda, while helping those less fortunate. 

Swami Brahmananda Saraswati spent 70 years in silence and isolation in the Himalayas.  During this time, he likely mastered silence and experienced great bliss in samadhi.  Self-realization, samadhi, enlightenment is the goal. 

Why do we suffer so much on the path to awakening, to freedom, to liberation, to moksha?  I have heard that the path is very difficult, but did not realize this truth until recently.  Over the past few years, this path has become very difficult, but I keep running away from 100% devotion to his work.

I am unsure what to do in this life, of what to do in this moment.  What I do know is that I will find a way, in the present moment.

With honor and respect, faith and grace.  I humbly surrender to something greater than this / that. 

In surrender to this great unknown,

An Aspiring Yogi.

On Aparigraha

Aparigraha is one of the five vows that both householders (Śrāvaka) and ascetics must observe. This vow is the principle of limiting one's possessions (parimita-parigraha) and limiting one's desires (iccha-parimana).

Worldly wealth accumulation is considered as a potential source of rising greed, jealousy, selfishness and desires.  Giving up emotional attachments, sensual pleasures and material possession is a means of liberation.  Eating enough to survive is considered more noble than eating for indulgence.  Similarly, all consumption is more appropriate if it is essential to one's survival, and inappropriate if it is a form of hoarding, show off or for ego. Non-possession and non-attachment are a form of virtue, and these are recommended particularly in later stages of one's life.  After ahiṃsā, Aparigraha is the second most important virtue.

Commentary:  Why do we strive to accumulate?  Why do we worry about money?  Why do we feel good when we make money and feel bad when we struggle?  Why do we worry about making others jealous?  Why do we feel jealous?  My meditation teacher once simply said, keep money in your pockets not in your head.  He also said that for a successful career in politics, one has to move away from a personal desire for money and sex.  I believe that Aparigraha can help take us inwards towards pratayahara and higher states of consciousness.  We can effectively shift our attention from the world to the inner-self where there are less distractions and less concerns in worldly life.

An interesting note is that Aparigraha discusses possessions in a sense of not only material possessions, but also in emotional attachment and sensual pleasures.  Can we expand this thought to include the body?  For example, is body-building a form of attachment and accumulation?  Are we accumulating muscles or even ultimate flexibility in asanas for a yogi?  When I think of Jainism / Buddhism / Hinduism, I think of great minds letting go of the form all together.  I think of astral beings and conscious expansion, not the body.  

When I tihnk of great saints like Sri Sri Ravi Shankar / The Dalai Lama / Baba Ram Dev / Amma, I do not look towards their bodies as a sign of enlightenment, rather it's quite the opposite.  I look towards their minds and vibrations, towards their wisdom and knowledge, towards utlimately, their grace.

A Glimpse

I am now approaching nearly 2 years away from my in-depth gunner approach to spirituality.  I was a die-hard Brahmacharya, wearing my mala beads, sporting my beard, and dressed up in the kurta pajama of an aspiring yogi on the outside, but on the inside it was a different story.  On the inside, my mind was racing, my emotions dominated me, and I lacked any clarity of mind.  I had no control over my thoughts &/ emotions.  I felt the racing mind…I sometimes joked that my mind / thoughts / mental state was like Rainman.  I realize now that depth in yoga begins with the internal state of mauna, or silence.  I remember an exam question from my MA program in Yoga and the question was alluding to the journey from the external to the internal.  I don’t remember the semantics, but I do remember the point.  The point is to go inwards, to dive within the mind, the silence, the self…to go deeper in yoga beyond this physical reality.  I can’t believe I moved so far away from yoga and pretty much completely returned to worldly life, to a life free of the desire for liberation, for self-realization.  I literally went back to smoking, drinking alcohol, working out, and chasing women.   I began focusing on money, my image, and women. I knew that this pursuit was devoid of any depth, any yoga, but I realized after nearly two years, that I had become quieter, that I had left Rainman behind…gratefully.  I know that in another few years, I’ll likely write about this again and become a witness to the progress that has taken place, but for now, I feel that the progress, as difficult as it was, was monumental, was worth all of the pain, the trials and tribulations, the anger, frustration, and sorrow that accompanied this treacherous journey.  I don’t know what lies ahead, but then again, do we need to?  Can I simply be present to this moment?  Can I become a witness to this ever present moment free from any desires / goals regarding the future?  Can I simply abide in now regardless of what may / may not happen in a month, a year, or even 10 years.  So what?  I don’t know.  What I do know is that this moment exists.  I am here.  I am now.  I am this moment. 

How do we become comfortable abiding in this moment?  How do we become this ever-present moment?  How do we let go of this desire to understand what’s happening in the present moment?  How do learn to simply let go.  As I recently heard, “take out the trash…the trash is in here” as Socrates points to the young student’s head in Peaceful Warrior. 

There’s a certain freedom that comes from letting go of this worldly life, this desire to be with others, to have money, materialistic wealth, prestige, romantic partners, or even company.  I read Sivananda today and realized the value of abiding within, of being with the self, alone and self-sufficient, but at the same time letting go of the ego, desires, and pain / pleasure identification. 

I wonder now how to become free of pride, prejudices, and that feeling of judgement.  How do we become free of negativity.  Really, how do we simply become a witness to all of these random thoughts, emotions, and “words” that come into our mind?  I believe the first two chapters of Patanjali’s Yoga Sutras deal with overcoming the small mind.  I believe we can spend lifetimes tackling this small mind of ours.  I believe to overcome this small mind is to find silence, true silence.

I now realize why the advanced course is called The Silence Course.  This is the answer…this is the way.

Abiding in this rambling of words…

An Aspiring Yoga Dude.

Years in Life

Years in Life

I attended a friend’s 40th birthday party tonight and was happy to see so many familiar faces, but it also made me wonder if this world is mine...and is it theirs?   This worldly life.  I enjoyed seeing friends and their own journeys from single women I knew as friends or former partners to well settled & contented mothers, doctors, professors, &/ entrepreneurs.  I do feel proud of the amazing women that have crossed my path in one way or the other.  

I loved hearing SK’s perspective on how AI just had a baby one month ago, is breast feeding, & is hosting an amazing party with three little ones at home.  I sincerely am impressed with AI’s progress in life.

Deep down inside though, I feel as though something is missing in this worldly life.  I feel as though there is something much greater than pursuing our own pleasures, money, status, relationships, and even families.  I feel strange writing this as I myself am the product of a loving family.  I am even dating, but there is still something far greater than this worldly life.

The attraction of the spirit, of Brahma, of the Purusha, seems far greater than anything this worldly appearance &/ experience can offer.  The state of being in yoga seems far greater a joy, an ecstasy, if you will.  The depth of being with your self, with your true nature, with truth, I believe, far outweighs anything this world appearance can offer.  Even as I feel as though I have almost every comfort I could imagine, I know something is missing...I know there is a truth far beyond what my small mind can comprehend right now.  I know truth exists.  I know there is something far greater than what I perceive, even what I believe.

I know this state of yoga exists.  I felt like I made the right decision to let go of Kriya Yoga’s indoctrination this weekend.  I was happy to meet Swamiji, but knew that is not my truth.

I can only wonder at the possibility for omnipresence, omnipotence, & omniscience.  I can only wonder at the surrender that must be necessary to truly let go of all of these concepts that we hold onto so tightly, even our bodies.  I know we should not hurt ourselves, but I wonder if, in the name of spirituality, is it Tapas when the body is used for another’s benefit?  Is it right?  Is it ethical?  And finally, is it moral?  I believe these questions and my experiences over the past couple of years have distanced myself from love.  Simply put, tapas has distanced myself from love, from divine love.  Is that part of the path?

An Aspiring Yogi