Blog entry 7/22/17
What does it mean to be love. Gurudev says that love is not an emotion, but your very existence. I feel that when we are surrounded by negativity in daily life, it's nice to have loved ones around you. I wonder how can we create a more positive atmosphere of love & caring, of positivity and sincerity. I feel as though I am trapped in a whirlpool of negative thoughts & emotions, of physical and emotional pain and punishment. I am unsure why this is happening, but can only assume it's for my own growth. I told myself I would be committed to this journey until September 12th, but I am feeling burned out and disconnected from the path & Gurudev. I feel like I came to The Art of Living Rishikesh Ashram for some rest, but now realize that my mind will follow me wherever I go.
I am ready to close this chapter of my journey and begin the next. I am simply seeking some peace and quiet, some solitude and joy. I love teaching and organizing courses, but this doesn't seem to be my time. I have a feeling I'll pick it back up again in Bangalore.
I am tired, but am grateful to be here in Rishikesh on the Ganges. I feel as though I have reached one of my bucket list destinations. There are a handful of places I've always wanted to visit and this is one of them. I am grateful to have reached here. Hope to find and give love, joy, & happiness.
Love,
An Aspiring Yogi.
Blog entry 6/24/17
I spoke with my parents earlier this evening. It was nice to speak with them, but I felt obliged to call them and paint a bull shit rosy picture of my time here...my place is a noisy town center average finish out apartment and my mind is going through all sorts of crazy shit. Regardless, what's fascinating is that I feel like I can smile through all of it...don't get me wrong, I do feel upset for some time, but I find myself bouncing back to my center quickly and not really giving a shit / lately I've been saying "fuck" a lot, but it doesn't bother me anymore. I find myself cussing and then simply letting it go by saying sorry to myself. It's a strange thing, this small mind of mine.
What I find even more interesting is that I had no one in the US that I felt I wanted to call and connect with. There was literally no one. Don't get me wrong, I had two amazing going away parties and I was happy to have nearly 50 people see me off, but I didn't really feel deeply close to any of them, not even my sister or her family. I feel like I took a lot of responsibility there, but failed to build deeply connected relationships. I think what we are all looking for is that sense of intimacy in all of our relationships. I feel like many of my relationships in the US were based on some common interest / goal, but not on a sincere relationship with the person.
Here in India, I feel like people are more still, and abiding in themselves. People here seem to spend more time being and less time doing. I feel like American life has lost the essence of human "being." I still feel that American mindset pervading in my own view of this world. I had two owners (Ashish & Mohit) of a great cafe sitting with me today and I could barely sit for five minutes with them, just chilling...I felt like I had to start "doing" something again...like I had to go study.
I hope to find my stride in daily life with some repetition in what I do, whether it's helping at the Ashram / teaching / whatever Gurudev wants me to do.
I feel better knowing that there's more we have to do to build more intimate connections with people...to really know them, give love to them, and build a more intimate sense of belongingness with those that cross our path in life.
I hope to share a smile with those around me, but more than anything, I hope to find intimacy in life, to find the one I've been looking for all my life, to find the self...Gurudev recently said, I paraphrase, I have come here for you to meet your soul, not your soulmate.
An Aspiring Yogi...searching for "that."
Love & Jai Guru Dev.
Blog entry 6/19/17
I am almost in New Delhi. I can't believe just over a year has passed. I can't believe I took a year off from my commitment to Mother India to serve & do my beloved's work. I am finally back...almost in New Delhi 30k feet in the air. I feel my heart opening to my Bharat Mata.
The past year was intense...painful, eventful, productive, and filled with pain & pleasure. I enjoyed meeting new people & discovering a newfound appreciation for silence. I didn't truly understand the meaning of Mouna, but within the past 13 months I began to value silence much more. I began to value the Akash / the Purusha, both of which are great mysteries. I spent the past year being able to help my parents & spend time with family & friends. I felt like I had reinserted myself into The Matrix. Towards the end, I was able to successfully chase my passion for teaching, but failed in desire. I felt the feverishness of desire right before I left for India. This made me realize that I need to strike a balance between my natural tendencies and my desire to live a life as a swami / monk. My heart was broken for some time, but I now fully accept who I am. My goal is 10k students that have done the Sudarshan Kriya. For this, I know my beloved will help enable my ambition to serve him, society, & the self...to create a sea of happiness. This seems to bring me the greatest happiness.
In the past year, I rented a house in East Austin near downtown, bought a hybrid and sold two cars. I traveled to Costa Rica, & then to California twice. I reconnected with cousins and my sister. I cruised to Cozumel and remodeled two garages.
I even got a chance to almost completely remodel my father's fourplex in Austin. I also updated several of my properties and even sold my IRA duplex. I actually brokered a handful of large deals too...a productive year, but not one fully dedicated to my dharma.
I hope and wish to only do his work for the next 42 years and beyond. I truly do want my life to be an expression of seva, peace, & joy. I simply want to be close to him.
I am now off to Mussoorie to finish what I had spent two years planning for and ran away from last year. I have now created and recommitted the space in my life to study Hindi full-time and complete the Hindi language course.
I hope to use my Hindi as needed in India.
I feel very grateful for reaching this point in my life & hope that I will be able to strike a balance in life, for Gurudev once told one of my mentors that "balance" is key...he was simply told one word, "balance."
I am arriving...and hope to bring many along the way.
Love & Jai Guru Dev,
R
Blog entry 3/1/17
I have had a rough couple of days. These past couple of days, weeks, months, & years have made me wonder if the path is really what I want. Do I really want to help people? Do I really want to selflessly serve others? Did I simply arrive at the path to overcome my own misery? Am I so selfish that I have no desire to even be around others?
I used to have a deep longing to know the truth, but now I honestly don't have a desire to go deeper on the path. I kind of feel maxed out &/ burned out. I feel that I simply want to live a normal life, a life filled with love, with a partner, with children maybe. I don't feel love anymore. I don't feel that I am love anymore. Gurudev says that love is not an emotion, it's your very existence. I don't feel that love is my everything. I feel dejected, somehow hurt, & negative. I feel that I have lost the juice of the Kriya & Sahaj and all I'm left with is this constant reminder that I can't relax. I feel that I'm under some sort of a trance.
I feel low. I like my life, but want to experience love, want to experience something besides this small mind. I want to experience kindness again. It's been a few years since I've felt that bubbling enthusiasm for the path. Instead I'm left with this constant feeling that something is wrong, someone is wrong. Either I am the villain or someone else is being vilified. There's no peace, joy, & love in this way of living.
I used to feel bubbling & enthusiastic love for Gurudev, but now I feel disconnected from source somehow.
I feel my good nature has left me. Love has left me.
I believe Gurudev would say wake up & realize you are love my dear, but it's difficult to experience this when your experience & your inner voice is the contrary.
The love that I once knew and that motivated me into doing seva is now this inner voice of punishment & negativity constantly asking me to say sorry for each and every thought and constantly physically, emotionally, and psychologically abusing me until I have depressing thoughts. This doesn't seem like the way to live, doesn't seem like the way to love, doesn't seem to be the way...
I'll keep searching, but will surrender this negativity to him, to the one I used to feel. I no longer feel connected to source...instead I'm left with this feeling of emptiness, this feeling of great inner sadness, this feeling of conflict as though something else should be, something else is.
I can only wonder what is, what was, and what will be...for I may not know within this year, this decade, or this life, but what I do know is that my family needs me.
May we become the beacon of hope for others. May we find and be love to others.
As the ebbs and flows of the ocean waves and the clouds pass, so shall this life among lives...we come and go just as the waves of the ocean rise and fall...as the clouds pass, we shall too.
In search of love.
Jai Guru Dev (victory to your higher self)
Blog entry 9/15/16
Do we ever wonder if this worldly material life is not truly living...a purposeless daily grind of activities aimed at what? Accumulating a few dollars? I claim balance, but really where's the intensity in living a balanced life. I once heard that a yogi is all or nothing, Gurudev playing with the idea of a beard / clean shaven. I still believe his words resonate with life itself. Why live a life true to the world, to the material world. Why not spend every waking moment seeking truth? Why not give up everything we think is important, including our pleasure, for something greater than our small minded self. There is something here beyond comprehension, beyond this world...what is it that we're seeking? There's something beyond this...Gurudev says "you are that" tattvamasi. What is that? I cal tell you, it's not this. It's not spending these days at Lowe's & painting walls. It's not seeking another deal. This isn't why I came here.
I hope he tells me one day.
Love & Jai Guru Dev.
9/16/16
In memory of a dear friend. My dear friend I had spent so many days flirting with & giving rides with on my scooter passed recently to suicide. She was so beautiful & her external beauty often carried an internal stiffness. I loved making her smile & feel free. She truly was so beautiful. She was simply so beautiful to look at, but I knew she struggled internally. Her death is a reminder that we have so much work to do to make one another happy & lift them each day. Our battle is not with ourselves, but rather with those struggling with depression & suicidal thoughts. I will always miss that beautiful girl from Bengal. My heart goes out to her. May her soul rest in peace. Lots of love. Jai Guru Dev.
9/18/16
I'm listening to Sade, and I'm reminded of the many romantic comedies & romantic novels I used to love reading growing up. I used to wonder why I loved Danielle Steel & Nora Roberts growing up. Even I thought it was odd, but the love that was described & felt was so beautiful was so emotionally fulfilling. I remember also exploring Eric Jerome Dickey from LA. These beautiful novels & books made me think that love was truly everything. As Gurudev says, all of these types of love, all combined, lead to divine love. Why is romantic love so special? I think it's because we get to, in one sense, have the love of our beloved, all to ourselves. I get to experience divine love directly from another human being.
I long, as Radha likely longed for Krishna, to honor & indulge in my lover, my love. I long to experience that sense of depth in emotion, in longing, in experiencing not only the sensuality, but also the spirituality. I long to worship, in a sense, the subtle & gross beauty that a beautiful woman's presence has...that feeling of gratitude, of honoring, of feeling like you have the universe in your arms, that complete sense of fulfillment within your arms & by your side. There's something to the experience of romantic love that may very well be a subset of divine love...I don't know, but I do have this faith that the highest self-realization encompasses everything. I still feel that romantic love helps to ground us in this worldly life until we've reached the goal.
I do love that feeling of connectedness emotionally and socially. There's a sense of peacefulness & calm associated with having a beautiful woman by your side. There's a sense of grounding and contentment that comes knowing that there's a woman there..."like a lovers rock" as I listen to this song. Is it a shared struggle? A shared longing for completion, for Kevalya. Can another complete our incompleteness? I do feel that we look for qualities in others where we may be lacking. I am not sure.
I know she's out there. There is someone who will help anchor me in this "storms of emotions."
I would love to write about Asal, but I'm not sure yet. She's very attractive and I've felt that she & I connect very well...I hope to have that romantic connection with her soon. I hope to find that groundedness & anchoring with her...that feeling of connectedness when in silence, I'm simply holding her hand and we're together, that moment when we're in a crowd & I look over & nod. That moment when I can stare into her eyes & there is no discomfort between two souls. That moment when silence can simply be...when two souls are in a state of being.
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