Ishavasya Upanishads Trip to Bangalore

I remember leaving campus and feeling both elated and a little guilty that I was able to take this trip that not many of my classmates could readily do.  I realise now that what I should feel is grateful for this opportunity to be close to my master, my guru, my beloved.

At 12:30pm, I collected letters from classmates for Gurudev and hopped in the Rickshaw...off to Bhubaneshwar Airport.

I couldn't believe that within the day, I would be at Satsang with Gurudev. I feel so lucky to be able to simply hop in a plane and see my beloved within a few hours.

I arrived in Bangalore and picked up my nephew, Rohan...we did Yes+ together last year at the Bangalore Ashram.  I was happy to see him and glad that he was going to join me for Satsang and dinner...little did I know how bad Bangalore traffic is!  I landed at 5:30pm & we finally reached Satsang at 8:10pm.  I skipped registration, skipped any food, & even told Rohan to hold it (he had to pee) until we met Gurudev.  And then it happened.  I locked eyes with Gurudev and knew I had come home.  Seeing Gurudev felt like I was lost somewhere, 7 years old, & had just found my Mom.  I could feel my heartbeat and the love from my beloved.  I couldn't stop smiling.  I was so happy to be home sweet home.

After about 15 minutes, Satsang ended and I told Rohan to get up quickly...we had to race to say bye to Gurudev.  We raced to the side and before Gurudev got in the golf cart, he looked over at us, waved and smiled.  I felt so grateful that my beloved recognised me and was showering me with love and attention.

I finally told my poor nephew he could go pee and we would celebrate his birthday with a special dinner at Vishala Cafe!  We ate like kings and he seemed very happy.  We then headed off to get my registration and room together.  Rohan helped carry my backpack to my sweet room in Yagnashala B, one of the nicest residential buildings at the Ashram.  When we arrived, I thought I had checked into Heaven...the room was so beautiful...and little did I know, I got my own room!  I said my goodbyes to Rohan and told him we would meet up on my last day.

The next day I walked into Vishalakshi Mantap to find out Swamiji Brahmatej was going to lead our silence course.  I couldn't believe it.  I had a desire to have Swamiji Brahmatej take a silence course in Vishalakshi Mantap since Navratri...and wallah, here he was!  I feel so grateful for having done close to 10 silence courses within the past year...most with Gurudev.  I enjoyed the silence course and loved spending so much time with Gurudev during the Ishavasya Upanishad discourses over three days.  

From a space of deep silence, on the second-to-last day of the course, I had realized that I do experience all three Gunas varying quite often.  I realized that I sincerely wanted to shift to being Sattvic nearly all the time.  I wondered how could I be unconditionally happy regardless of people &/ situations.  Even though I feel very happy quite often and feel unconditionally loving, I still find myself experiencing Tamas and resistance to our basic course points.  I wondered why I can't accept situations at times; & why I struggle with accepting people at other times.  How do I become more present, even in my sadhana.  Why do I have so many wants?  Why do reptilian (meaning ancient - basic instinctual, a trait we have in common with animals) procreative desires come up?  I wonder why do I let my energy go up and come down at times vs. maintaining my state of equanimity.  All of these questions lingered in mind and brought me down from flying high in Sattva after so many hollow & empty meditations.  

Towards the last day of our course, that same day after my sattva came down a little, I ended up in the wrong Darshan (means blessings) room...I was in the 7 day Advanced Meditation Course (AMC) darshan room.  I wasn't sure what to do as I had already moved from the ground floor of the VM building to our first floor hall...by my mistake.  So I sat quietly and waited for Gurudev's arrival.  I had two letters to give him from classmates.

As Gurudev walked around, he finally came to me, but looked in the other direction and just held out his hand.  I gave him the letters but was crushed & kind of heart-broken.  I wanted a smile and loving nod from Gurudev, but got nothing except for him taking my letters.  

I was upset to say the least, but he smiled lovingly at me before he left the room.  I could still feel a cringe in my heart and told myself to man up...to be a man!  So I stayed and did some seva before leaving for my room.  After a shower, I still felt bad and emotional.  I finally let all of my emotions go and surrendered everything to the divine...I cried like a baby and felt so much relief after some time.  I wondered what I was doing here, why I felt so tamsic, and wondered if this is the right path for me.  I knew I loved Gurudev very much, but was simply not sure if this was the right path.  I finally went to bed and told myself I would put forth an effort, come back for Shivratri, & then decide if I would stay in India.  I only came here for my Guru.  

The next morning, I woke up with a smile...I knew I had received my beloved's blessings.  I resolved to stay the course and at least lock eyes with Gurudev before I left.  

The official last day of our course we were supposed to meet Gurudev at 2:30pm.  We were finally all set to meet him at 4:30pm.  There was a large group together in our new meditation hall and I had since written a love letter, a devotional letter to Gurudev.  I told myself I would not stand up as Gurudev wants us seated.  I was still a little heart-broken from my last Darshan yesterday.  So many people were in the meditation hall that I didn't think I would get a chance to speak with him.  I had simply hoped to give him the letter I wrote so he would know that I loved him dearly.  We were the last row to meet and get Darshan from Gurudev, so I figured he would speedily walk by, but then it happened...Gurudev stopped, I handed him the letter, he smiled at me as I smiled back.  He then said, "How are you?  Are you happy?"  I said, "yes Gurudev, I am very happy."  He then said, "How are things in Odisha?"  I said, "wonderful Gurudev."  He looked at me lovingly and I handed him my letter.  He looked at the letter then looked at me and I said, "it's a devotional letter."  I then said, "Gurudev, I'll be back for Shivratri."  He said "Good good" and went on. As Gurudev walked further on, I grabbed Sandeep (my Vedic Wisdom buddy from Seattle) sitting next to me and we hugged like long lost brothers.  I was so happy I couldn't contain myself.

We had a great Satsang this evening.  During Satsang I realized that we should be compassionate to ourselves, let the Samskaras (impressions) flow, and not get caught up in guilt.  As Raja and Bhakti Yogis, why not simply let past impressions / thoughts flow through this river of consciousness.  I am left wondering about what Gurudev told us a little over a year ago...he said, "you are the quality of your consciousness."

So now I am resting in my heavenly abode, Yagnashala B, getting ready to head back to school and play some serious catch-up.  

Looking forward to coming back home to be with my beloved on February 12th.

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

My First Semester at Sri Sri University

So I just finished my first semester at Sri Sri University.  What a trip!  This is my first time ever being in India for over three months.  I must say, I went on several trips in my head...I spent days and nights stressed about wanting to change so many things at SSU.  I struggled with the lack of structure, the major difference in lecture styles, the fluid and ambiguous class schedules, the cafeteria food, the heat, the cleanliness, the transportation, the you name it, I struggled with it!  There were several lectures where I didn't even understand the lectures because the professor preferred speaking in Hindi vs. English...could you imagine studying human anatomy and physiology in Hindi!  Gratefully, now I have found a very comfortable setup (after moving seven times in my 1st semester) and am very happy at Sri Sri University...in my second semester now.  Back to the first fall semester...all in all, I would say I learned a lot and also feel like I have grown spiritually.  I feel much happier now and sincerely enjoy being in class.  I am no longer disturbed by the lack of structure and the lack of communication skills.  I am no longer bothered by the lack of books availability or my lack of knowledge on how to order.  I feel at peace with the ambiguity...everything is changing.  Part of living here is living the knowledge...are we present to each moment?  Can we accept people and situations as they are?  Are opposite values complimentary?  Whether success of failure, do we remain equanimous?  I would feel down after performing poorly on say a Sankskrit exam, but then realized that I can choose to maintain my equanimity in mind...my own peace of mind whether success or failure.  I also realized that not everyone will like me.  I realize here too that everything is changing and there is no need to be the football of other peoples' opinions.  I learned that the more I was involved in seva, the better I could pay attention in class and the more I was centered, grounded, and focused on helping others vs. selfishly thinking about myself or gossiping about others...either verbally or in my head.

I also found that prioritizing what I sincerely wanted to take on would bare the most fruit.  I decided to focus on studying and teaching and ended up successfully teaching one Happiness Program and one or two Sri Sri Yoga courses.  I am grateful for being able to do both.

Aside from the challenges associated with living in India and adjusting to a very different academic system, I do feel like I learned a great deal of information related to yoga.  I am grateful for the exposure to anatomy, physiology, and Sanskrit...these were somewhat new subjects all together for me.

I also am grateful for the opportunity to help shape my home, Sri Sri University.  I was able to get involved with some fun seva projects and help create our gym, and keep our campus looking beautiful.

Having Gurudev, Girin Bhaiya, Kamlesh Ji, and Kashi Bhaiya all at Sri Sri University related to the Sri Sri Yoga program was amazing.  I am also so grateful for having Bawa and Dinesh Ji here at SSU.  Just being around all of them brightened my days.  I sincerely feel happier having spent quality time with all of them.  I am truly grateful that Gurudev has prioritized the success of our university and has these true leaders within the Art of Living here at Sri Sri University.

Well, I can't forget my parents visiting me.  I was so happy that they came to visit me at Sri Sri University.  I feel blessed that my parents came half way around the world to see me in India.  I enjoyed their time here and especially enjoyed seeing the temples and visiting Puri. My favorite part about this area in general are the rivers and the ocean.  I love the water.

Well, with all this said, I am excited to think about having 1,000 students on campus next year.  We are going to have a great yoga program in 2015 and I hope I can help in some way shape the future of our school and graduates.

With lots of love.

Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

2015: Happy New Year's!

So this is the first year I've ever come out of silence on the 1st day of the new year.  I'm excited to have just come out and share my thoughts from a few days of silence and meditations.  For one reason or another, I felt like the silence was too short.  I crave doing a 10 day silence course.  I've done one or two, and I love it.  I'm excited about the next opportunity to do one when school / time / life permits.

I feel like doing silence with college students had a different feel.  The atmosphere was lighter and more fun vs. deeper and more serious.  The group sattva / tattva seemed light and pleasant.  I had a good number of negative thoughts and opinions come up and I even went on a major trip of negativity.  I believe I may have hurt some people with my negative thoughts and I deeply am sorry for hurting anyone.  I am glad to have dealt with going low in tamas within the silence course.  With a guide like Dinesh Ji, I knew I would come out on top!  I am glad I did the course and am looking forward to more courses in January and February for the Upanishads and Shivatri with Gurudev.

What insights can I share from the course.  I have five advices that I made for myself that I'd love to share here.  In fact, here's my letter from deep silence I wrote to myself:
"Dear Ritesh Ji,
I want to write to you and give you five unsolicited advices.  You have a good heart and are going in the right direction.  Here are some thoughts for you.
1)  Do not feel guilty.  Things happen.  The small mind will come up with past samskaras.  Let them come.  And then let them go.  See them flowing down the river of consciousness.
2)  Be a witness.  Be a witness to the small mind.  The numerous thoughts that come and go, and just watch...just be!
3)  Be present to every moment.  Your whole life is planned out...no need to plan any more...it's all with Gurudev.
4)  Be equanimous...no matter what, do not lose your center...your cool.
5)  Be love...love everyone.  Even those with bad thoughts / negative feelings towards you.  Love them the most."

I feel like 2015 will be a great year of personal transformation.  I'll complete my first year of the MA program in Yoga, my summer internship, and finish 1/2 of my 2nd year of the MA program.  I'll have hopefully taught twelve Art of Living Happiness & / Sri Sri Yoga courses in 2015.  I'll get a chance to visit my friends and family in the US for a few weeks and come back home to Mother India.  I want to also be more selfless in 2015...serve the community, serve the students, and serve my beloved Gurudev.

So 2014 in review...what a year...I feel like I had an amazing year of transformation.  I had so many good things happen to me spiritually and in the material world.  I will speak only to the material world though.  I closed two large deals in 2014 that I really wanted to get done with AI and AP.  I also got the chance to teach about 6 AOL courses and also got my official Art of Living India teacher's code.  I also received the India AOL Teacher's manual.  I remodeled my cottage house by Mozart's Coffee Shop in Austin and built my dream sunroom with sky lights and Italian Porcelain tile.  I put in my dream granite slab counters, Whirlpool Gold Stainless Steel Appliances, etc. etc.  My cottage house was sweet, but I'm done.  I leased out the house in June and moved to India in July.  I spent a month with my beloved, Gurudev, traveling from the Bay Area, to Boone, NC, and then finally to Canada.  I feel blessed to have spent that month with him.  I hope to spend quality time with Gurudev again after I graduate either in India or in North America.  I also had my parents come visit me in India in November.  I was happy that they had the chance to see how well settled I am in India.  Well, that pretty much sums up 2014.  I stumbled a couple of times into women, but have renewed my vows as a Brahmacharya and Yogi.  I hope these wonderful women that I've met along the way of life find the love they are looking for.  I sincerely hope that if they seek marriage and children, they get what they are looking for.  Ultimately, I hope that more people will come to find the ultimate joy in divine love and the pursuit of truth.

In 2014, I finally feel like I left the nest of my parents being 3 hours away and my sister being 15 minutes away...they were great sources of comfort in my life.  I feel like my nuclear family connection is not what it was.  I'm not sad about it, and I do not have any feverishness about the distance, but I do feel like they were a beautiful part of my life for so many years.  I loved taking my niece and nephew out and seeing them so happy...they were my anti-depressant for a long time...just being with them lifted me up so much...I loved them dearly when they were young.  I still cherish the time we had together from when RNR and NER were born until I left in 2014.  I feel like I'll re-enter their life at some point when they need me.  I hope their life is smooth, but may their life be filled with LIFE and intensity, for this is how life is lived fully!  I hope to see them blossom to full potential.  I am also so grateful for my family taking courses in the Art of Living.  My niece and nephew took the Art Excel course, and my sister and Dad did the Happiness Program.  I hope in 2015, my sister and Dad will do Sahaj Samadhi meditation.

I sometimes wonder how I left behind my dream home, my 7 seater hybrid luxury SUV, a job I loved...my own independent and successful professional lifestyle, my friends and family, and what I thought was an amazing city; but I realize that being closer to Gurudev means more than anything in the material world.  I would do anything to be close to him, closer to my master, closer to my beloved Gurudev.

Love and Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

The Road with no Beginning or End

I walked and walked through the fog and realized that I had to stop and take a picture of what lay in front of me and what lay behind me.  Here is what lay ahead of me:

I then stopped, took a look in front of me and then turned around and wondered what lay behind me:

At this point, I realized that I was on the path...this is such a beautiful path, where we no longer dwell on the past or worry about the future, but rather simply enjoy the present moment...I am only able to see a little bit in front of me, but the view is so beautiful...life is so beautiful.

I realized that I simply have to be present to appreciate the beauty right in front of me.  As is said in Peaceful Warrior, there is so much going on right now...most of the time, we simply miss it...we're either stuck in the past or worrying about the future.  We may not even dwell or worry, but sometimes glorify the past or dream about the future with anticipation or excitement, all the while simply missing the moment...the present!

As I stood there this morning, I realized that we have a choice to see this world as Heaven or Hell.  These worlds, if you will, are all creations of the mind, and we can choose Heaven.  I believe I read something similar in Swami Rama's book, Walking with the Himalayan Masters.  

As I spend more and more time in this program, I am beginning to let go of so much...I am letting go of the need for structure in my life, the desire for intellectual knowledge, the desire to achieve.  I desire now to simply be present and move with contentment.

These paths that I saw this morning also reminded me that we simply don't need to clearly see what lies ahead, but rather just move with faith / Shraddha that what lays ahead is beautiful, is good for us; that what I may choose to compare is the present moment to the past and ask, has life improved...do I move with Santosha / Samadhana.  Santosha meaning contentment, and Samadhana meaning moving with ease...being at ease.

May we all spend time just being or in wonder, not quite knowing what lies ahead / remembering what was in the past.  May we simply be happy and equanimous with this moment.  

The paths this morning seemed so romantic.  The walk felt like a romance of sorts.  This divine romance reminded me that I was not walking alone, but rather was being carried by him.  Though I felt like I was walking, I realized I was being carried in the palm of my divine master, Gurudev.  I cannot put into words how much love emanates from him when I realize that he's not a person, but rather the air I breathe, the water I drink, the ground I walk on, and the fire I witness in my Homa.  He is love...I am love.  We are love...we are that.  I am so grateful for the reminder that he is why I am here...why I am blossoming in love.  I could not imagine this life in any other way.  As a recent video by Alan Watts communicated, we are living our dream.  This is my dream...and it's becoming a beautiful dream come true.  I feel like the luckiest.  

May we see the path in front of us and behind us with a little mystery, romance, and simply abide in the moment. 

With love.  Jai Guru Dev, An Aspiring Yogi

Frustrations at Sri Sri University

We just got back from Navratri break and I'm already getting really frustrated.  I just sent an email to Girin Bhaya, so am feeling better.  I just wonder what I'm doing here.  As I supposed to act / relax?  Am I supposed to be dispassionate about our lack of structure and organization or be passionate about our very own SSU MA Yoga program.  I feel like I likely need to be a little of both, passionate and dispassionate.  I was truly irritated today when I was pulled off stage when the bulk of class wanted to do a guided meditation, but we were told by one of our professors to do Sahaj.  I am unsure of what is the right path.  I think I need to take a break from SSU seva and just be a student.  To my intuition's point, just study and teach, study and teach.  I will no longer attempt to shape our program, rather I'll just be a witness to the course program.  I'll be more passive with the program and more active with teaching Art of Living Happiness and Sri Sri Yoga.  This makes me happy...why dwell on attempting to change something that obviously has no interest in my input?

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi 

Navratri 2014 with Gurudev – October 2nd, 2014

Just back from the Bangalore Ashram and wanted to share my experiences during Navratri over the past ten days…

Here's a picture attached of our mini-reunion when I bumped into my TTC Buddy on the way to the AOL Spinal Care course!  Note that Nitin Ji didn't even ask if he could have some of my Coconut hair oil ;-)

I was about to leave campus, Sri Sri University, on September 23rd 2014, and was frustrated by the lack of structure and detail in our MA program course syllabus.  I composed an email to our senior AOL faculty regarding an ambiguous syllabus for our yoga program's first semester; and then headed to the airport in our infamous Kalu Bhaya's rickshaw service.  Surprisingly, I was charged a reasonable 350 RS for the trip from campus to Bhubaneswar airport. 

I was tired after days of barely sleeping next door to a loud campus Vishala Cafe and many nights of telling our young students to be quiet at 2:30am or 3:30am in the morning.  I can only empathize with their immaturity as I, twenty years ago, at their age, would sometimes wake up drunk / hung-over somewhere on campus in the US at that hour.  So glad we at least have an alcohol-free and vegetarian sattvic campus.

So on to the airport I went, feeling spoiled by the fact that I was flying to Bangalore while many of our students were making a 24+ hour journey to the Bangalore Ashram via trains and buses.  I told myself I would make the journey next time with our students - Sangachhadhwam - meaning let's move together.

So on I went...I arrived at the Bangalore Ashram right around 7pm, just in time for Satsang.  Instead of checking in, I ran upstairs, dropped off my backpack in my dear friend, Arie's office, and headed to Satsang to see my beloved Gurudev.  I arrived just in time to see my beloved.  I could feel the sattva rising, the happiness within, and the feeling of rejoicing with my master...a feeling that must be felt by a baby when held by a mother.  Getting a smile from Gurudev is for me what breast-milk is to a baby.  I felt completely nourished and so fulfilled by just being in the same space.

After Satsang, I checked in and got settled into my room.  I remember feeling uncomfortable just a year ago when I was at the ashram Aparna residence hall for Sri Sri Yoga Teacher Training Course.  Now, though, I was fine and happy to be home again.  I was surprised by my shift from my "American" standard of living to the freedom associated with no longer needing an umbrella in the rain, a cap in the sun, or hot water / even a shower head in my room.  Though all of this is available at the ashram, I no longer desired / wanted / needed any of these things.  I am reminded of a beautiful story in the book, Living with the Himalayan Masters...I'll share more when I get another copy of the book. 

The next day we started our Navratri Silence course for teachers with Swamiji Bhramatej in Maitri Hall.  We were packed in like sardines and I barely had space for Ardha Matsyendrasana.  I was aching from my postural scoliosis and could not really meditate that day.  I decided to opt for the Vishalakshi Mantap (often referred to as the VM building) silence course for English speakers. The next day was amazing as I had a chair and two cushions.  I wasn't sure if I meditated / slept the second day, but I was happy nonetheless.  

I spent the first few days in silence wondering about moving from "what about me and I, me, or my" to selfless service and the infinite consciousness.  As I write, I still find the prevalent "I" but realize that this self(ish) ego can be quieter as more and more sadhana, satsang, and selfless service / seva is realized.  How can we shift to we / us vs. me / my?  I think the key is belongingness and realising that "I" belong to you & "you" are my Art of Living family, my biological family, my Sri Sri University family, and my human family.   When I think about my spiritual master, I think about how he feels belongingness with the whole world and about how all he wants to do is selflessly serve people and uplift humanity.

By day five of the silence course, I didn't want to come out of silence and was craving another 5 days of silence.  I wonder how 3 weeks of silence with hollow and empty meditations would be...one of these days we’ll hopefully offer a three week silence course program! 

We started day six with amazing Poojas and Homas.  I decided that no matter the cost, I would take all Sankalpas.  I was elated to be in every Sankalpa and also registered for the Spine Care course.  I still found sitting in Sukhasana for hours painful, but found myself going into deep meditations / samadhi.  These Poojas & Homas are so powerful, that even a beginner meditator can drop into a deep state of meditation in the field of sattva / consciousness created by the Vedic Sanskrit chantings.  I feel like these chantings encompass all religions.  I wonder if this amazing experience is how a Christian might feel in church prayers on Christmas Day / a Buddhist at a monastery sitting close to their master, a Muslim in a mosque on the last day of Ramadan, or even an Atheist maybe in nature at the top of Mount Everest.  My sister, an attorney, philosopher and atheist, has taken the Art of Living Happiness program and loved it.  I think she finds some of her greater moments of happiness on Lake Austin either boating / swimming in the lake.  It's amazing to see how quiet my little niece and nephew get when they are boating on Lake Austin...I love them dearly.

By the last day, day ten, I was tired from only sleeping five hours / night and having a sore back from sitting for hours each day.  We had a group breakout session for the internationals that Oct 2nd evening and I was half wanting to skip...I was exhausted from the go-go-go schedule of large group activities all day.  Earlier that day, I hit the onsite Internet cafe and emailed my nephew in Bangalore.  I craved seeing my nephew and cousin-brother and felt relieved at leaving the ashram for a few hours.  I wondered if I was restless / simply wanted to spend some time within my comfort zone as an introvert with just one or two other people vs. ten thousand...so I finalized plans and headed off to Jayanagar, a nearby suburb of Bangalore. 

Then it happened...we had a group breakout session for internationals at 5:30pm and I had a chance to lock eyes with Gurudev and get a smile from him.  That one look made me feel like I had slept for days and had the energy of a thousand elephants...well, maybe one really strong and happy elephant.  I was elated at having the chance to personally hand over a written letter to him from one of my dear classmates.  After our group session with Gurudev, I started walking outside and was grabbed by two of our Sri Sri University students.  They said, wait here, Gurudev's coming.  They said to tell Gurudev we are from Sri Sri University and I agreed hoping to get Gurudev's attention AGAIN!  I couldn't believe it...he saw me and I said “Gurudev, here's the Sri Sri University group” and he said, so lovingly, "ohhh."  I love it when he says "ohhh" with so much love.  He then asked me, "are you happy?" And I said "yes, very happy Gurudev."  I was so happy that I grabbed my fellow classmates and we hugged like we had just beat Pakistan in the world cup finals.  We then proceeded to walk with Gurudev for a little while before he literally took off like a rocket for the massive Satsang awaiting his arrival at 6:30pm or so.  I had never seen Gurudev move so quickly and was awed at how diverse we see our beloved...as still as Kapha can be and as dynamic as Milkha (reference to an amazing Hindi movie).

So off I went to return to the worldly life of seeing my family as I headed away from our heavenly ashram.

Longing to see my beloved again soon...may we aspire to be the unconditional love he lives by.  May we lift the Tamas & Rajas and leave each other in pure Sattva as he leaves us back to our worldly ways to share this joy with others.

In deep gratitude…may I meet you and give unconditional love.  As Gurudev says, may we give and give and give and give love...may love blossom and manifest from within our higher self or the big mind.  May we be his instrument for the music of healing and unconditional divine love.

 
Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

Random Blog Entry

for the intellect - the truth is there is nothing - nothing exists at the intellect thought level - this is all maya

Love for the heart & soul to soul comm.

This is not the path of denial, but rather realization.  Do not suppress or deny what you desire.  Just realize the futility of your desire.  Realize the smallness of your desires and wake up to the big mind.  Desire for something greater, for greatness itself...Mumukshatva.  Realize desires whether fulfilled / unfulfilled are just desires & have faith that the divine knows what is best for you.  Surrender feverishness, cravings &/ aversions to the divine.  Come back to the truth.  Remember the 2 questions that will be asked...did you love & did you help.  Do not create your own misery through lust, anger, greed, &/ arrogance.