I remember leaving campus and feeling
both elated and a little guilty that I was able to take this trip that not many
of my classmates could readily do. I realise now that what I should feel
is grateful for this opportunity to be close to my master, my guru, my beloved.
At 12:30pm, I collected letters from
classmates for Gurudev and hopped in the Rickshaw...off to Bhubaneshwar Airport.
I couldn't believe that within the day,
I would be at Satsang with Gurudev. I feel so lucky to be able to simply hop in
a plane and see my beloved within a few hours.
I arrived in Bangalore and picked up my
nephew, Rohan...we did Yes+ together last year at the Bangalore Ashram. I
was happy to see him and glad that he was going to join me for Satsang and
dinner...little did I know how bad Bangalore traffic is! I landed at
5:30pm & we finally reached Satsang at 8:10pm. I skipped
registration, skipped any food, & even told Rohan to hold it (he had to
pee) until we met Gurudev. And then it happened. I locked eyes with
Gurudev and knew I had come home. Seeing Gurudev felt like I was lost
somewhere, 7 years old, & had just found my Mom. I could feel my
heartbeat and the love from my beloved. I couldn't stop smiling. I
was so happy to be home sweet home.
After about 15 minutes, Satsang ended
and I told Rohan to get up quickly...we had to race to say bye to Gurudev.
We raced to the side and before Gurudev got in the golf cart, he looked
over at us, waved and smiled. I felt so grateful that my beloved recognised
me and was showering me with love and attention.
I finally told my poor nephew he could
go pee and we would celebrate his birthday with a special dinner at Vishala
Cafe! We ate like kings and he seemed very happy. We then headed
off to get my registration and room together. Rohan helped carry my
backpack to my sweet room in Yagnashala B, one of the nicest residential
buildings at the Ashram. When we arrived, I thought I had checked into
Heaven...the room was so beautiful...and little did I know, I got my own room!
I said my goodbyes to Rohan and told him we would meet up on my last day.
The next day I walked into Vishalakshi
Mantap to find out Swamiji Brahmatej was going to lead our silence course.
I couldn't believe it. I had a desire to have Swamiji Brahmatej
take a silence course in Vishalakshi Mantap since Navratri...and wallah, here
he was! I feel so grateful for having done close to 10 silence courses
within the past year...most with Gurudev. I enjoyed the silence course
and loved spending so much time with Gurudev during the Ishavasya Upanishad
discourses over three days.
From a space of deep silence, on the
second-to-last day of the course, I had realized that I do experience all three
Gunas varying quite often. I realized that I sincerely wanted to shift to
being Sattvic nearly all the time. I wondered how could I be
unconditionally happy regardless of people &/ situations. Even though
I feel very happy quite often and feel unconditionally loving, I still find myself
experiencing Tamas and resistance to our basic course points. I wondered
why I can't accept situations at times; & why I struggle with accepting
people at other times. How do I become more present, even in my sadhana.
Why do I have so many wants? Why do reptilian (meaning ancient -
basic instinctual, a trait we have in common with animals) procreative desires
come up? I wonder why do I let my energy go up and come down at times vs.
maintaining my state of equanimity. All of these questions lingered in
mind and brought me down from flying high in Sattva after so many hollow &
empty meditations.
Towards the last day of our course, that
same day after my sattva came down a little, I ended up in the wrong Darshan
(means blessings) room...I was in the 7 day Advanced Meditation Course (AMC)
darshan room. I wasn't sure what to do as I had already moved from the
ground floor of the VM building to our first floor hall...by my mistake.
So I sat quietly and waited for Gurudev's arrival. I had two letters
to give him from classmates.
As Gurudev walked around, he finally
came to me, but looked in the other direction and just held out his hand.
I gave him the letters but was crushed & kind of heart-broken.
I wanted a smile and loving nod from Gurudev, but got nothing except for
him taking my letters.
I was upset to say the least, but he
smiled lovingly at me before he left the room. I could still feel a
cringe in my heart and told myself to man up...to be a man! So I stayed
and did some seva before leaving for my room. After a shower, I still
felt bad and emotional. I finally let all of my emotions go and
surrendered everything to the divine...I cried like a baby and felt so much
relief after some time. I wondered what I was doing here, why I felt so
tamsic, and wondered if this is the right path for me. I knew I loved
Gurudev very much, but was simply not sure if this was the right path. I
finally went to bed and told myself I would put forth an effort, come back for
Shivratri, & then decide if I would stay in India. I only came
here for my Guru.
The next morning, I woke up with a
smile...I knew I had received my beloved's blessings. I resolved to stay
the course and at least lock eyes with Gurudev before I left.
The official last day of our course we
were supposed to meet Gurudev at 2:30pm. We were finally all set to meet
him at 4:30pm. There was a large group together in our new meditation
hall and I had since written a love letter, a devotional letter to Gurudev. I
told myself I would not stand up as Gurudev wants us seated. I was still
a little heart-broken from my last Darshan yesterday. So many people were
in the meditation hall that I didn't think I would get a chance to speak with
him. I had simply hoped to give him the letter I wrote so he would know
that I loved him dearly. We were the last row to meet and get Darshan
from Gurudev, so I figured he would speedily walk by, but then it
happened...Gurudev stopped, I handed him the letter, he smiled at me as I smiled
back. He then said, "How are you? Are you happy?" I
said, "yes Gurudev, I am very happy." He then said, "How
are things in Odisha?" I said, "wonderful Gurudev."
He looked at me lovingly and I handed him my letter. He looked at
the letter then looked at me and I said, "it's a devotional letter."
I then said, "Gurudev, I'll be back for Shivratri." He
said "Good good" and went on. As Gurudev walked further on, I grabbed
Sandeep (my Vedic Wisdom buddy from Seattle) sitting next to me and we hugged
like long lost brothers. I was so happy I couldn't contain myself.
We had a great Satsang this evening.
During Satsang I realized that we should be compassionate to ourselves,
let the Samskaras (impressions) flow, and not get caught up in guilt. As
Raja and Bhakti Yogis, why not simply let past impressions / thoughts flow
through this river of consciousness. I am left wondering about what
Gurudev told us a little over a year ago...he said, "you are the quality
of your consciousness."
So now I am resting in my heavenly
abode, Yagnashala B, getting ready to head back to school and play some serious
catch-up.
Looking forward to coming back home to
be with my beloved on February 12th.
Love & Jai Guru Dev,
An Aspiring Yogi
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