On Cheating and Silence

Two things that I am grateful for...

I am so grateful that I do not cheat.  I feel lucky that the divine, my parents, my friends, and the community I was raised in taught me that cheating is bad and only leads one to cheating oneself.  Our beloved Gurudev recently said that you are simply cheating yourself and no one else.  I think it's strange that people are here to go deeper on the path, yet can't even be honest with themselves.  Why would we cheat ourselves?  I can't figure out why there is so much talking during exams...

The second thing I am grateful for is my silence.  I remember when I was younger and more immature, I would go on talking and talking with friends about small-minded things and then later realise how much energy I lost.  What I am also very grateful for is keeping my silence when a professor, teacher, or Gurudev is speaking.

What makes people speak so much?  One interesting thing Girin Bhaiya said recently was that if, at the end of the day, you rewind the day, you'll notice how much unnecessary gossip / nonsense is spoken throughout the day.  Now that I am older, I have realised that silence is the greatest gift.  To listen from a space of depth, wonder, empathy & compassion.  Gurudev, in his commentary on the Ashtavakra Gita has said that one who speaks so much after experiencing consciousness performs a great blunder, pragyapad.  I truly believe that the constant talking is not only pragyapad, but also a fear of listening to our own inner voice.  The inner silence I believe takes us from an insecure state of unknowing and having to deal with our inner thoughts to a state of bliss and comfort in our own true nature.  I am so grateful to enjoy my own silence and listen to nature, to my own inner dialogue, & to all those that have beautiful knowledge & wisdom to share in the space of consciousness.

In honesty & silence.

Love & Jai Guru Dev.

An Aspiring Yogi

Shivratri 2015 in the Bangalore Ashram with Gurudev

February 12th, I had my last seva meeting with two of our second year MBA students and headed off to the airport.  We were working on a really cool project to enable villages to get clean and pure drinking water from the humidity in the air.  I had met with VC (Vice Chancellor) Sir, Dr. KC Mishra, and he blessed the project, but I was still a little anxious and stressed about getting the project done as I was leaving for the Bangalore Ashram on the 12th, and the project submission was due on the 15th.  I decided to take a deep breath in and just let it go.  I surrendered the project to the divine and decided to focus on catching my flight!  I went to class and headed off for the airport at Noon.  I was happy to hop in the rickshaw with my backpack and be on my way.

As we arrived at the airport, I found my stress and tension still lingering in my back and shoulders.  I found a great massage spa at the airport and decided to indulge in a 20 minute back and shoulder massage...I found myself head down with a Masseuse crawling and walking on top of my legs and back.  I felt like heaven!  Her knees, elbows, and hands were a welcome to knots in my back and neck.  After 20 minutes or so, I faintly heard my flight boarding announcement and hopped up and rushed to the gate.  I was set, nicely seated and blissed out looking forward to seeing my beloved in just a few hours.

I arrived at the Bangalore Airport and was dissapointed to hear that my driver, Anil Ji, would not be able to make it for another hour and a half.  This was simply too much of a delay before I would get to see my beloved.   I ran into a few Sri Sri University students and we decided to all share a cab.  I ended up riding with two others.  Little did I know this would be my first ego trip...when I say ego, I mean "ease-goes."  When Gurudev mentions Ego, he says that Ego is whatever causes the feeling of separateness from you and anyone else.  He also says that ego is when your "ease-goes" meaning you lose your sense of a calm and meditative state of mind.  I asked them if we could go straight to the ashram and they said yes.  So we hopped in and we were off.  After we got into the city, one of the folks in the car said that she wanted to drop off some stuff and see her sister.  She kindly asked me and I started to grumble on the inside.  I was quickly loosing my cool and equanimity as I realized that we were going through the city, which takes almost twice as long as taking the toll roads outside the city.  So now, I had realized, an hour into our journey, we going out of our way to meet someone I don't know and have to wait while the folks in the car spent time with their friends / family.  We arrived in the city and she said, we'll be back in 10 minutes...almost 20 minutes later she came back with an orange juice for me and we headed off to the Ashram.  I was relieved to hear that Gurudev was in Delhi, so I wasn't as disappointed at arriving 3 1/2 hours later.  I wonder how I could have sincerely felt more equanimity or Vairagya (dispassion) on that trip.  By the time we reached the ashram, I simply handed over a 500 Rs. note, grabbed my backpack, and took off.  I wasn't really interested in any further small talk / time pass with them.  I later felt a little bad, but realized that I still have a long way to go on this beautiful path.  Wouldn't it be beautiful to simply accept people and situations as they are and be present for the present moment is inevitable.

By 8:30pm or 9pm or so, I checked into my heavenly abode, Yagnashala B.  I remember my roommate from Canada last summer.  He gave me a ride from the Canadian Ashram to the Montreal airport with two other senior teachers from the US.  I couldn't believe he broke his silence to speak with me.  I am very strict about my silence as I feel like it takes time to truly get quiet.  He was five days into his 10 day silence course.  We talked briefly and agreed to basic roommate logistics.

The next morning, I headed to Vishalakshi Mantap for morning sadhana and Long Kriya.  The morning sadhana was awesome.  The group was energetic and the sadhana (meditation) was deep.  I really enjoy the international group.  The English speaking group broke out to Maitri Hall later that morning.  From what I remember, we had separate break-out groups for Chinese, Russian, Mongolian, and French speakers.  I was happy that we had so many people there.

We started the first day of the course with basic course point reviews and some fun processes.  We did some yoga and meditations too.  We ended with knowledge videos that night.  At around 7pm, I locked eyes with Gurudev.  He came to a mind blowing Satsang.  His presence was paradise.  I went deep into meditation and felt tears of gratitude and joy.  At Satsang, we sang several Bhajans and I could feel the trance of the huge crowd.  I felt like I was literally in Heaven.  At that moment, with my beloved so close, I could think of nothing more I wanted.  I was fully contended...I had reached my destination.  I knew Santosha (contentment).  That night we all went into silence and off I went to bed.

The second day of the silence course was great.  Many meditations and I started to go deeper and deeper within myself.  I felt a great sense of contentment and ended up in a very happy place seeing my beloved again that evening.  That night I ended up getting disciplined by our senior teacher...our senior teacher decided that we would all watch an hour long Ishavasya Upanishad video each night.  Well, I had just attended the Ishavasya Upanishad discourse the previous month and prepared notes for others.  So 15 minutes into the talk, I decided I was done.  I was so tired as I usually go to bed at 8:30pm or 9pm at the latest and wake up at 3am.  I started walking out of the hall and then it happened...she stopped me and asked where I was going.  I wrote in my iPhone that I was tired and had just attended the talks last month and was heading to my room.  She looked at the note and then told me to sit down and not walk back to my chair.  I was being disciplined like a 9 year old.  I didn't take well to what had happened and so my mental trip began.  I went from being so happy to sinking deeper into frustration, ego, and low prana.  My trip of negativity lasted almost a day.  I simply told myself to treat the senior teacher with honor and respect, faith and grace.  So I rationalized that I needed to simply be present and let it go...as I always say, "take a deep breath and let it go."  This was a chance to truly live the knowledge.  So I did...I let go after a day and chalked up the experience to cultural differences.   In my heart I told myself, that my teacher's a hollow and empty instrument of my beloved Gurudev and I would simply surrender any uneasiness to my own ego.

By the third day, I was back to my normal self and started going deeper and deeper into the hollow-and-empty meditations.  I found myself losing a sense of "my" self.  I found myself experiencing a letting go of "I, me, and my."  The meditations felt deep and powerful and I started becoming quieter and quieter in my head.  I thought of the Yoga Patanjali Sutra, "Yoga Chitta Vritti Nirodha."   I teach this in Sri Sri Yoga, but here was my chance to live it.  There's so much more I would like to share, but feel like these divine experiences are best left as sacred secrets.  Gurudev says that secrets often grow in our minds.  So we share what's shameful and regretful and keep the beautiful and sacred secrets, so that the beauty and sacredness grows within.

On the second to last day, the international course participants from the US and Canada had a chance to meet with Gurudev in his private meeting room.  I had only been to this hall once before.  I was so happy that only about 15 of us would be meeting Gurudev.  To be honest, I found myself grumbling at the negative thoughts and emotions that were coming up that day.  I felt like without my Sandhyavandana practice, I was a little raw.  I now realize how amazing the Sandhyavandana practice is and much equanimity and peace of mind my full sadhana provides.  We had a fun time outside his meeting room with Indira, the Ashram elephant.  Gurudev fed Indira graciously and Indira even attempted to enter the meeting room pushing open Gurudev's meeting room door with his trunk.  Poor guy doesn't realize how big he is!

The US and Canadians entered the meeting room.  As I was grumbling from the inside, I felt that Gurudev would not speak to me.  So I quietly sat down waiting for him to come to me!  I thought we would not meet speak and I would simply give him my classmates' letters.  I had written a few questions that I wanted to speak to him about, but decided that I would not speak to him when I wasn't completely centered and happy.  Then it happened.  I couldn't believe it.  He walked up to me and said, "How are you?"  I said, "Great" with a deeper tone in my voice.  He then asked me, "How's the university?"  I said "Great" again feeling a bit happier as his smile was penetrating me.  I know that Gurudev knows exactly what's going on in my head.  I was grumbling and telling myself that I was done and needed a break.  And there he was, pulling me back in with his infinite divine love.  I can rarely understand Gurudev, but I remember him once saying, "I know your mind better than you."  I was once in Canada with him back in 2011, and he locked eyes with me for so long that I felt the entire Satsang looking at me wondering what he was looking at.  He smiled with so much love and grace that I knew my purpose in life was nothing but to serve him.  I know I will be close to him in the years to come.  He lovingly says, if you want to be close to be, do my work (seva).  I now realize that all I want to do is simply live and breathe his work, doing selfless service to society, improving the world, and uplifting people less fortunate.  Gurudev's mission is to create a stress-free and violence-free world.

As we left that the meeting room, I still didn't feel 100%.  I was so grateful for the opportunity to speak with Gurudev, but still was frustrated by the lack of Sama (control of mind) and Dama (control of senses) that I was experiencing.  I would love to share more, but feel like Silence Courses are simply something everyone has to experience for themselves.  The wisdom and knowledge gained is beyond words.  I walked back to my room and got the sense that I needed to attend Satsang to feel better, to feel my centeredness, groundedness, and joy.  I ended up singing and shedding tears of love and joy during Satsang with Gurudev.  I could feel a transformation and sense of joy and love.  I realized that Gurudev would not let me feel down and he simply pulled me up to a place of happiness and joy within just an hour.  The next morning, when I woke up, I knew I had received his blessings.  I was so happy to wake up at 4:30am, get ready, and head off for the last day of our course.  The last day of the course was great.  I was elated to find out that I was going to meet Gurudev in the National Teachers meeting.  I got my stuff together and headed over to the Vishalakshi Mantap (VM building).  We had a room of what felt like 500 teachers or so all elated to have the opportunity to meet Gurudev.  Gurudev came and we ended up in total silence for some time.  Gurudev says that in silence, a Master communicates from soul-to-soul.  I could feel tears of love and gratitude rolling down my face as he was divinely intimate with us in total silence.  After some time, he said, "hmmm" as he lovingly looked around the room.  We all were back into silence for some time, and then we meditated with him.  Towards the end of our time with Gurudev, we all talked about the 35th anniversary celebration that would be happening in New Delhi in 2016.  The dates will be February 12th - 14th.  I am hoping we'll have over 3 million people there.  I can't wait!  I am hoping we'll have our entire Sri Sri University attend.  He said the Indian railways are going to help with arranging low cost half price train tickets to get to Delhi.  I hope everyone I know attends.

Once we came out of silence, I busily ran around getting gifts for my classmates and the Veda boys and staff.  I also took formal Sankalpas for the evening Pooja and morning Homa.  The day had arrived.  We were going to celebrate Shivratri with over 150,000 people in attendance.  The outdoor Guru Paduka was packed!  Here's a pic:

I was seated in the Sankalpa section which quickly got jam packed!  I loved the singing and performances.  The sattva was soo high.  People were singing and dancing and everyone seemed so happy.  They had dancers and even a yoga performance.  I realized that the Sri Sri University BA and MA yoga students would have to perform during Navratri in the Fall.  We could really showcase our Yoga program and gets folks excited about going deeper on the path.

One informal tradition of Shivratri is staying up all night and fasting.  We skipped dinner that evening as the program started at 5:30pm and ended after midnight.  We did a midnight guided meditation with Gurudev.  The sattva was so high.  The meditations were out of this world.  In fact, Gurudev, says that during Shivratri, the Shiva Tattva comes / is very close to Earth.  All I can speak of is the experience of amazing meditations all night.

A little after midnight, one of our BA Yoga students walked up to me distressed and said, "I haven't met Gurudev.  I just want one minute to talk to him."  I thought, don't we all?  That would be a little difficult with over 150,000 people there.  That equates to 2,500 hours or over 100 straight days of Gurudev speaking with and meeting people.  So I told him to do seva with me all night and stay up as the tradition holds.  He agreed and we ended with about 4 or 5 of us together picking up trash throughout the fields and campus.  As 2am approached, we decided to take a hike up to Gurudev's original Kutir (home) called Shakti Kutir.  The guards would not let us anywhere near where we wanted to go, so we decided to walk around in other directions.  We finally ended up at the original campus registration building and walked over to where the original Ashtavakra Gita was filmed.  As security was close by and had quickly spotted us lurking around at 3am, I quickly told our group of folks that I would lead us through a guided meditation.  So we all closed our eyes and I did a Pancha Kosha meditation.  Right as we ended the meditation, we decided to walk up to Shakti Kutir, but were quickly stopped.  I don't know how we did it, but we somehow managed to get the guards to let us walk up to Shakti Kutir.  We all did a guided meditation in Gurudev's voice and ended up going so deep.  The prana was soo high.  I think the fact that we were at the front door of Gurudev's original Shakti Kutir, combined with it being Shivratri was so powerful.  I simply felt like I was high.  The energy was amazing.  Right as we ended, security quickly asked us to leave and we headed out.  At around 3:30am, I split from the group and headed back home to freshen up for the 5am Pooja.  This time, I found a comfortable chair to meditate in and took a seat in our Sankalpa section for the morning Homa.  Gurudev arrived in time for morning Rudram.  Rudram is sacred Sanskrit chanting of praises to the Shiva Tattva energy.  Rudram started by 6am and we ended at 7:15am.  I was a little tired by then, so I was just happy knowing that Gurudev was there and that I could rest in meditation.

At 7:15am, I quickly ran back to my room, got my bags packed and got ready for my taxi at 8am.  I had a great time with Gurudev over Shivratri.  I look back at this time like I was in Vrindavan with Krishna.  I feel grateful for my time with Gurudev and wasn't all too happy to be leaving, but then remembered what Gurudev says.  He says, it's separation that makes togetherness so wonderful.  So I am left with a full cup of divine love and look forward to the intense longing to be with my Beloved Master, His Holiness Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, lovingly called Gurudev or Guruji, again.

With so much love.  As Gurudev says, "love is not an emotion, it is your very existence."

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

Ishavasya Upanishads Trip to Bangalore

I remember leaving campus and feeling both elated and a little guilty that I was able to take this trip that not many of my classmates could readily do.  I realise now that what I should feel is grateful for this opportunity to be close to my master, my guru, my beloved.

At 12:30pm, I collected letters from classmates for Gurudev and hopped in the Rickshaw...off to Bhubaneshwar Airport.

I couldn't believe that within the day, I would be at Satsang with Gurudev. I feel so lucky to be able to simply hop in a plane and see my beloved within a few hours.

I arrived in Bangalore and picked up my nephew, Rohan...we did Yes+ together last year at the Bangalore Ashram.  I was happy to see him and glad that he was going to join me for Satsang and dinner...little did I know how bad Bangalore traffic is!  I landed at 5:30pm & we finally reached Satsang at 8:10pm.  I skipped registration, skipped any food, & even told Rohan to hold it (he had to pee) until we met Gurudev.  And then it happened.  I locked eyes with Gurudev and knew I had come home.  Seeing Gurudev felt like I was lost somewhere, 7 years old, & had just found my Mom.  I could feel my heartbeat and the love from my beloved.  I couldn't stop smiling.  I was so happy to be home sweet home.

After about 15 minutes, Satsang ended and I told Rohan to get up quickly...we had to race to say bye to Gurudev.  We raced to the side and before Gurudev got in the golf cart, he looked over at us, waved and smiled.  I felt so grateful that my beloved recognised me and was showering me with love and attention.

I finally told my poor nephew he could go pee and we would celebrate his birthday with a special dinner at Vishala Cafe!  We ate like kings and he seemed very happy.  We then headed off to get my registration and room together.  Rohan helped carry my backpack to my sweet room in Yagnashala B, one of the nicest residential buildings at the Ashram.  When we arrived, I thought I had checked into Heaven...the room was so beautiful...and little did I know, I got my own room!  I said my goodbyes to Rohan and told him we would meet up on my last day.

The next day I walked into Vishalakshi Mantap to find out Swamiji Brahmatej was going to lead our silence course.  I couldn't believe it.  I had a desire to have Swamiji Brahmatej take a silence course in Vishalakshi Mantap since Navratri...and wallah, here he was!  I feel so grateful for having done close to 10 silence courses within the past year...most with Gurudev.  I enjoyed the silence course and loved spending so much time with Gurudev during the Ishavasya Upanishad discourses over three days.  

From a space of deep silence, on the second-to-last day of the course, I had realized that I do experience all three Gunas varying quite often.  I realized that I sincerely wanted to shift to being Sattvic nearly all the time.  I wondered how could I be unconditionally happy regardless of people &/ situations.  Even though I feel very happy quite often and feel unconditionally loving, I still find myself experiencing Tamas and resistance to our basic course points.  I wondered why I can't accept situations at times; & why I struggle with accepting people at other times.  How do I become more present, even in my sadhana.  Why do I have so many wants?  Why do reptilian (meaning ancient - basic instinctual, a trait we have in common with animals) procreative desires come up?  I wonder why do I let my energy go up and come down at times vs. maintaining my state of equanimity.  All of these questions lingered in mind and brought me down from flying high in Sattva after so many hollow & empty meditations.  

Towards the last day of our course, that same day after my sattva came down a little, I ended up in the wrong Darshan (means blessings) room...I was in the 7 day Advanced Meditation Course (AMC) darshan room.  I wasn't sure what to do as I had already moved from the ground floor of the VM building to our first floor hall...by my mistake.  So I sat quietly and waited for Gurudev's arrival.  I had two letters to give him from classmates.

As Gurudev walked around, he finally came to me, but looked in the other direction and just held out his hand.  I gave him the letters but was crushed & kind of heart-broken.  I wanted a smile and loving nod from Gurudev, but got nothing except for him taking my letters.  

I was upset to say the least, but he smiled lovingly at me before he left the room.  I could still feel a cringe in my heart and told myself to man up...to be a man!  So I stayed and did some seva before leaving for my room.  After a shower, I still felt bad and emotional.  I finally let all of my emotions go and surrendered everything to the divine...I cried like a baby and felt so much relief after some time.  I wondered what I was doing here, why I felt so tamsic, and wondered if this is the right path for me.  I knew I loved Gurudev very much, but was simply not sure if this was the right path.  I finally went to bed and told myself I would put forth an effort, come back for Shivratri, & then decide if I would stay in India.  I only came here for my Guru.  

The next morning, I woke up with a smile...I knew I had received my beloved's blessings.  I resolved to stay the course and at least lock eyes with Gurudev before I left.  

The official last day of our course we were supposed to meet Gurudev at 2:30pm.  We were finally all set to meet him at 4:30pm.  There was a large group together in our new meditation hall and I had since written a love letter, a devotional letter to Gurudev.  I told myself I would not stand up as Gurudev wants us seated.  I was still a little heart-broken from my last Darshan yesterday.  So many people were in the meditation hall that I didn't think I would get a chance to speak with him.  I had simply hoped to give him the letter I wrote so he would know that I loved him dearly.  We were the last row to meet and get Darshan from Gurudev, so I figured he would speedily walk by, but then it happened...Gurudev stopped, I handed him the letter, he smiled at me as I smiled back.  He then said, "How are you?  Are you happy?"  I said, "yes Gurudev, I am very happy."  He then said, "How are things in Odisha?"  I said, "wonderful Gurudev."  He looked at me lovingly and I handed him my letter.  He looked at the letter then looked at me and I said, "it's a devotional letter."  I then said, "Gurudev, I'll be back for Shivratri."  He said "Good good" and went on. As Gurudev walked further on, I grabbed Sandeep (my Vedic Wisdom buddy from Seattle) sitting next to me and we hugged like long lost brothers.  I was so happy I couldn't contain myself.

We had a great Satsang this evening.  During Satsang I realized that we should be compassionate to ourselves, let the Samskaras (impressions) flow, and not get caught up in guilt.  As Raja and Bhakti Yogis, why not simply let past impressions / thoughts flow through this river of consciousness.  I am left wondering about what Gurudev told us a little over a year ago...he said, "you are the quality of your consciousness."

So now I am resting in my heavenly abode, Yagnashala B, getting ready to head back to school and play some serious catch-up.  

Looking forward to coming back home to be with my beloved on February 12th.

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

My First Semester at Sri Sri University

So I just finished my first semester at Sri Sri University.  What a trip!  This is my first time ever being in India for over three months.  I must say, I went on several trips in my head...I spent days and nights stressed about wanting to change so many things at SSU.  I struggled with the lack of structure, the major difference in lecture styles, the fluid and ambiguous class schedules, the cafeteria food, the heat, the cleanliness, the transportation, the you name it, I struggled with it!  There were several lectures where I didn't even understand the lectures because the professor preferred speaking in Hindi vs. English...could you imagine studying human anatomy and physiology in Hindi!  Gratefully, now I have found a very comfortable setup (after moving seven times in my 1st semester) and am very happy at Sri Sri University...in my second semester now.  Back to the first fall semester...all in all, I would say I learned a lot and also feel like I have grown spiritually.  I feel much happier now and sincerely enjoy being in class.  I am no longer disturbed by the lack of structure and the lack of communication skills.  I am no longer bothered by the lack of books availability or my lack of knowledge on how to order.  I feel at peace with the ambiguity...everything is changing.  Part of living here is living the knowledge...are we present to each moment?  Can we accept people and situations as they are?  Are opposite values complimentary?  Whether success of failure, do we remain equanimous?  I would feel down after performing poorly on say a Sankskrit exam, but then realized that I can choose to maintain my equanimity in mind...my own peace of mind whether success or failure.  I also realized that not everyone will like me.  I realize here too that everything is changing and there is no need to be the football of other peoples' opinions.  I learned that the more I was involved in seva, the better I could pay attention in class and the more I was centered, grounded, and focused on helping others vs. selfishly thinking about myself or gossiping about others...either verbally or in my head.

I also found that prioritizing what I sincerely wanted to take on would bare the most fruit.  I decided to focus on studying and teaching and ended up successfully teaching one Happiness Program and one or two Sri Sri Yoga courses.  I am grateful for being able to do both.

Aside from the challenges associated with living in India and adjusting to a very different academic system, I do feel like I learned a great deal of information related to yoga.  I am grateful for the exposure to anatomy, physiology, and Sanskrit...these were somewhat new subjects all together for me.

I also am grateful for the opportunity to help shape my home, Sri Sri University.  I was able to get involved with some fun seva projects and help create our gym, and keep our campus looking beautiful.

Having Gurudev, Girin Bhaiya, Kamlesh Ji, and Kashi Bhaiya all at Sri Sri University related to the Sri Sri Yoga program was amazing.  I am also so grateful for having Bawa and Dinesh Ji here at SSU.  Just being around all of them brightened my days.  I sincerely feel happier having spent quality time with all of them.  I am truly grateful that Gurudev has prioritized the success of our university and has these true leaders within the Art of Living here at Sri Sri University.

Well, I can't forget my parents visiting me.  I was so happy that they came to visit me at Sri Sri University.  I feel blessed that my parents came half way around the world to see me in India.  I enjoyed their time here and especially enjoyed seeing the temples and visiting Puri. My favorite part about this area in general are the rivers and the ocean.  I love the water.

Well, with all this said, I am excited to think about having 1,000 students on campus next year.  We are going to have a great yoga program in 2015 and I hope I can help in some way shape the future of our school and graduates.

With lots of love.

Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

2015: Happy New Year's!

So this is the first year I've ever come out of silence on the 1st day of the new year.  I'm excited to have just come out and share my thoughts from a few days of silence and meditations.  For one reason or another, I felt like the silence was too short.  I crave doing a 10 day silence course.  I've done one or two, and I love it.  I'm excited about the next opportunity to do one when school / time / life permits.

I feel like doing silence with college students had a different feel.  The atmosphere was lighter and more fun vs. deeper and more serious.  The group sattva / tattva seemed light and pleasant.  I had a good number of negative thoughts and opinions come up and I even went on a major trip of negativity.  I believe I may have hurt some people with my negative thoughts and I deeply am sorry for hurting anyone.  I am glad to have dealt with going low in tamas within the silence course.  With a guide like Dinesh Ji, I knew I would come out on top!  I am glad I did the course and am looking forward to more courses in January and February for the Upanishads and Shivatri with Gurudev.

What insights can I share from the course.  I have five advices that I made for myself that I'd love to share here.  In fact, here's my letter from deep silence I wrote to myself:
"Dear Ritesh Ji,
I want to write to you and give you five unsolicited advices.  You have a good heart and are going in the right direction.  Here are some thoughts for you.
1)  Do not feel guilty.  Things happen.  The small mind will come up with past samskaras.  Let them come.  And then let them go.  See them flowing down the river of consciousness.
2)  Be a witness.  Be a witness to the small mind.  The numerous thoughts that come and go, and just watch...just be!
3)  Be present to every moment.  Your whole life is planned out...no need to plan any more...it's all with Gurudev.
4)  Be equanimous...no matter what, do not lose your center...your cool.
5)  Be love...love everyone.  Even those with bad thoughts / negative feelings towards you.  Love them the most."

I feel like 2015 will be a great year of personal transformation.  I'll complete my first year of the MA program in Yoga, my summer internship, and finish 1/2 of my 2nd year of the MA program.  I'll have hopefully taught twelve Art of Living Happiness & / Sri Sri Yoga courses in 2015.  I'll get a chance to visit my friends and family in the US for a few weeks and come back home to Mother India.  I want to also be more selfless in 2015...serve the community, serve the students, and serve my beloved Gurudev.

So 2014 in review...what a year...I feel like I had an amazing year of transformation.  I had so many good things happen to me spiritually and in the material world.  I will speak only to the material world though.  I closed two large deals in 2014 that I really wanted to get done with AI and AP.  I also got the chance to teach about 6 AOL courses and also got my official Art of Living India teacher's code.  I also received the India AOL Teacher's manual.  I remodeled my cottage house by Mozart's Coffee Shop in Austin and built my dream sunroom with sky lights and Italian Porcelain tile.  I put in my dream granite slab counters, Whirlpool Gold Stainless Steel Appliances, etc. etc.  My cottage house was sweet, but I'm done.  I leased out the house in June and moved to India in July.  I spent a month with my beloved, Gurudev, traveling from the Bay Area, to Boone, NC, and then finally to Canada.  I feel blessed to have spent that month with him.  I hope to spend quality time with Gurudev again after I graduate either in India or in North America.  I also had my parents come visit me in India in November.  I was happy that they had the chance to see how well settled I am in India.  Well, that pretty much sums up 2014.  I stumbled a couple of times into women, but have renewed my vows as a Brahmacharya and Yogi.  I hope these wonderful women that I've met along the way of life find the love they are looking for.  I sincerely hope that if they seek marriage and children, they get what they are looking for.  Ultimately, I hope that more people will come to find the ultimate joy in divine love and the pursuit of truth.

In 2014, I finally feel like I left the nest of my parents being 3 hours away and my sister being 15 minutes away...they were great sources of comfort in my life.  I feel like my nuclear family connection is not what it was.  I'm not sad about it, and I do not have any feverishness about the distance, but I do feel like they were a beautiful part of my life for so many years.  I loved taking my niece and nephew out and seeing them so happy...they were my anti-depressant for a long time...just being with them lifted me up so much...I loved them dearly when they were young.  I still cherish the time we had together from when RNR and NER were born until I left in 2014.  I feel like I'll re-enter their life at some point when they need me.  I hope their life is smooth, but may their life be filled with LIFE and intensity, for this is how life is lived fully!  I hope to see them blossom to full potential.  I am also so grateful for my family taking courses in the Art of Living.  My niece and nephew took the Art Excel course, and my sister and Dad did the Happiness Program.  I hope in 2015, my sister and Dad will do Sahaj Samadhi meditation.

I sometimes wonder how I left behind my dream home, my 7 seater hybrid luxury SUV, a job I loved...my own independent and successful professional lifestyle, my friends and family, and what I thought was an amazing city; but I realize that being closer to Gurudev means more than anything in the material world.  I would do anything to be close to him, closer to my master, closer to my beloved Gurudev.

Love and Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi

The Road with no Beginning or End

I walked and walked through the fog and realized that I had to stop and take a picture of what lay in front of me and what lay behind me.  Here is what lay ahead of me:

I then stopped, took a look in front of me and then turned around and wondered what lay behind me:

At this point, I realized that I was on the path...this is such a beautiful path, where we no longer dwell on the past or worry about the future, but rather simply enjoy the present moment...I am only able to see a little bit in front of me, but the view is so beautiful...life is so beautiful.

I realized that I simply have to be present to appreciate the beauty right in front of me.  As is said in Peaceful Warrior, there is so much going on right now...most of the time, we simply miss it...we're either stuck in the past or worrying about the future.  We may not even dwell or worry, but sometimes glorify the past or dream about the future with anticipation or excitement, all the while simply missing the moment...the present!

As I stood there this morning, I realized that we have a choice to see this world as Heaven or Hell.  These worlds, if you will, are all creations of the mind, and we can choose Heaven.  I believe I read something similar in Swami Rama's book, Walking with the Himalayan Masters.  

As I spend more and more time in this program, I am beginning to let go of so much...I am letting go of the need for structure in my life, the desire for intellectual knowledge, the desire to achieve.  I desire now to simply be present and move with contentment.

These paths that I saw this morning also reminded me that we simply don't need to clearly see what lies ahead, but rather just move with faith / Shraddha that what lays ahead is beautiful, is good for us; that what I may choose to compare is the present moment to the past and ask, has life improved...do I move with Santosha / Samadhana.  Santosha meaning contentment, and Samadhana meaning moving with ease...being at ease.

May we all spend time just being or in wonder, not quite knowing what lies ahead / remembering what was in the past.  May we simply be happy and equanimous with this moment.  

The paths this morning seemed so romantic.  The walk felt like a romance of sorts.  This divine romance reminded me that I was not walking alone, but rather was being carried by him.  Though I felt like I was walking, I realized I was being carried in the palm of my divine master, Gurudev.  I cannot put into words how much love emanates from him when I realize that he's not a person, but rather the air I breathe, the water I drink, the ground I walk on, and the fire I witness in my Homa.  He is love...I am love.  We are love...we are that.  I am so grateful for the reminder that he is why I am here...why I am blossoming in love.  I could not imagine this life in any other way.  As a recent video by Alan Watts communicated, we are living our dream.  This is my dream...and it's becoming a beautiful dream come true.  I feel like the luckiest.  

May we see the path in front of us and behind us with a little mystery, romance, and simply abide in the moment. 

With love.  Jai Guru Dev, An Aspiring Yogi

Frustrations at Sri Sri University

We just got back from Navratri break and I'm already getting really frustrated.  I just sent an email to Girin Bhaya, so am feeling better.  I just wonder what I'm doing here.  As I supposed to act / relax?  Am I supposed to be dispassionate about our lack of structure and organization or be passionate about our very own SSU MA Yoga program.  I feel like I likely need to be a little of both, passionate and dispassionate.  I was truly irritated today when I was pulled off stage when the bulk of class wanted to do a guided meditation, but we were told by one of our professors to do Sahaj.  I am unsure of what is the right path.  I think I need to take a break from SSU seva and just be a student.  To my intuition's point, just study and teach, study and teach.  I will no longer attempt to shape our program, rather I'll just be a witness to the course program.  I'll be more passive with the program and more active with teaching Art of Living Happiness and Sri Sri Yoga.  This makes me happy...why dwell on attempting to change something that obviously has no interest in my input?

Love & Jai Guru Dev,

An Aspiring Yogi