Frustrations on Unsolicited Advice

Why do we get so frustrated with unsolicited advice?  Why is that I get frustrated with my parents and my sister giving advice?  I get tired of listening to people telling me what I should do / need to do.  I feel that I find getting help when I ask for it to be helpful, but receiving unsolicited advice is taxing on the mind for some reason.  I get tired listening to someone telling me what does not necessarily resonate with the mind.  I also get tired from intermittent pain.  I can only imagine / feel compassion for the amount of pain that my father feels.  He's a strong man for perservering.  I hope he is able to better manage his pain over time / overcome it completely. 

I think when we talk about ourselves, we attract unwanted attention within our own thoughts / in the world.  I feel a sense of exhaustion when my parents / others talk to me about me.  Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says that the quickest way to get depressed is to sit and think about ourselves and say, "what about me, what about me, what about me."  He's so right...this is the quickest way to depression!  The quickest way out is sadhana &/ selfless service to others.  These seem to be the best ways...

I wonder if I'm burned out...I know people experience worldly career &/ life burnout.  I wonder if people experience spiritual burnout.  If people simply get burned out on the spiritual path.  I sense that I would like to take a year / two or more to be normal again.  I think I put too much effort and thought into spirituality.  I don't know how to really relax anymore.  I find some peace in nature, but not sure what else to do.

I find abiding in nature seems to be the most healing. 

Lots of love to others,

An Aspiring Yogi.

On Life

I witness daily life and wonder...is this it?  How do we become more selfless and help others and drop this small mind's thoughts of I, me / my.  I see my parents and wonder about how their daily life is filled with repetition.  They seem happy and their main concern is health, but I feel as though there is more.  I have a dear friend around their age, a tad bit younger, and he's thoroughly miserable and alone.  Makes you wonder.  On the one hand there's a sense of daily ritual at some level of contentment and at another level there's this loneliness and isolation in misery.  In either circumstance, one dies alone, relatively speaking.  How do we create a full life of selfless service, harmony, and creating joy for others?  ...but the small mind says, "while maintaing some sense of self."  This small minded ego still yearns for relevance and identity.  How do we surrender this ego and dissolve in absolute nothing...how do five guys / sadhus live at a temple and cease to exist?  This paradox of dissolving seems very difficult, kind of like in that movie Peaceful Warrior, when the main actor, Dan Millman, let's go of himself when he's at the top of some monument.

How do we dissolve?  How do we let go?  How do simply be present? 

In all this world's strife, amidst the world's pandemic / epidemic, people are asked to shelter in place, people are sick and dying, and we still have police brutality and demonstrations, peaceful protests, and then violent riots.  How do we stop?  How do we, as a country, become still.  How do we become human beings.  Being is the most difficult thing.  Life seems easier when doing, but near impossible in being.

Seems like the happiest people, as they age, as seniors, seem to have developed life-long friendships and social circles, seem to live this life with belongingness and connectedness, with a sense of valuing relationships:  friends, life-partner(s), children, colleagues, family, community.  This belongingness seems a little contradictory to Sannyasi...makes you wonder.

Feeling Done

I have finally reached this place where I feel smaller in prayer, Japa, yoga, and any other form of sadhana.  I wish for my spiritual journey to completely end.  I feel as though this journey will lead to suicide.  I hope that this time will end and I will pursue this in my next life.  I am truly done.  I would love to find a full-time career and find a romantic partner or wife.  I have felt deeply tortured and miserable thinking about God and realized I am not spiritually right at this time.  I gave my 100% and would prefer to remain alive vs. committing suicide chasing after enlightenment.  Suicide is worse than chasing after God.  Better to remain alive and live a worldly life and serve others vs. end this life.  I hope I will be left alone to live a normal life.  I beg of God to please stop torturing me.  I am miserable because of the torture.  I do bounce back, but I don’t want to keep going this low after these torture sessions.  I beg of God & guru, please let me lead a normal worldly life.  I promise to walk away from my spirit ambition & path.  Please help me be free of this.  Let me be worldly.

On Professionalism

I had an interview today with a major industry leader.  I had a panel interview and I think it went well.  I enjoyed meeting the folks, but deep down inside, something did not feel right.  I did not feel like I was pursuing my dharma.  Something deep inside me feels like there is something else I should be doing with this lifetime.  I feel like our time is so short.  We are here for maybe 40, 50, 100 years.  This time can fly by.  There's a doctor from Hawaii who once said, that we have a mortgage on our soul and we spend our whole lifetime paying it back.  He says that most people live their life paying off this mortgage and they keep on manipulating data.  We can spend an entire lifetime in data analysis.  This is a metaphor for a rambling mind, a mind that deals with a steady stream of thoughts vs. the thoughtless state of samadhi / simply put, nothing.  How do we achieve this state of silence?  Why is it that almost all of us spend our lifetimes chasing after everything on the outside, but ignore the inner essence of our mind.  Why is it that we keep on buying a bigger house?  This bigger house translates to professional promotions, career aspirations, jobs, investments, partners, the perfect body, even better relationships with family and friends.  This seems to all prevent us from paying off our home.  Why?  I'm so frustrated by this constant mortgage...why is it that we keep on chasing after something when our ultimate goal is nothing???  Is this the nature of our small mind?  I'm unsure how to convince my own small mind to pursue silence.  I know deep down inside the answer lies in silence.  I also know the answer lies in selfless service, but I somehow keep ending up chasing after something and I'm not sure why.  I feel like I'm reitering this point...why are we here?  Why is there insincerity and insecurity.  Why is there this constant quest to achieve something when the goal is nothing.  I believe my teacher says we have to go through three steps to enlightenment:  1) something, 2) nothing, and 3) everything.  I'm at a loss why I'm here...but I feel like it's a crossroads.  Do I keep on dealing with this inner frustration and see it through, or do I "fill up."  Time will tell.  May we simply be present to this moment and get lost in the service of others. 

Seeking silence. 

Love & Jai Guru Deva,

An Aspiring Yogi.

Dharma at Risk

Dharma at Risk

I have decided to continue working in two psychiatric hospitals as a yoga therapist as the state of Texas has not issued a stay-at-home order.  I have been teaching online yoga classes from the yoga studios.  Two of the yoga studios that I teach at have closed.  I have been in so much pain recently that I made the conscious decision to risk my life in the service of others.  I believe that serving others in a hospital environment is a better way to risk your life than attempting anything else.  I am not afraid to die and would welcome death if it's in the service of others.  I believe I am making a significant life saving impact when I offer yoga and meditation to inpatients and outpatients.  I pause though as I'm willing to drop everything as a non-essential hospital employee and be with my parents if a stay-at-home order is issued in Austin / Texas.  I wonder though if I would be of any value to my parents.  I still feel obliged to teach here in Austin.  Ultimately, if stay-at-home is ordered, I'll stop working all jobs and just do what I can online from my folks house.  I believe I'm safe for now, though you never know...

On to others.  I spent some time with DN today.  She was recently dumped by the guy she was dating.  I felt bad for her and I know she is saddened by the break-up.  She came over and I made chai for her and we went to Rada Madhav Dham.  We attended Arti and we meditated there.  The environment was serene and I enjoyed being reminded of Lord Krishna and Swamiji.  I remember his warmth and peace.  I remember that what he offers is peace.  Radhe Radhe.  I know my path is different, but still enjoy thinking about Lord Krishna and Swamiji's path.  I still remember our first meeting in 1995 and how he was so calm when I told him I was an Atheist at that time.  I wonder if he had seen something I did not.  I wonder if it matters.  I wonder what we are to be a witness to and what to take action on in life.  As we witness / gain insight / intuition into others, are we to be a witness to this / do we help support / potentially change the outcome to improve another's life.  I believe the effect depends upon the circumstance.  I would hope to inspire positive change to improve others lives. 

Regarding RT, I hope she will make it to Tuesday's outpatient visit.  I think she has some deep seated challenges to work through.  I believe outpatient therapy can help her, but wonder what change she could benefit from through the spiritual path.  What's the right balance between spirituality and allopathic psychiatric medicines?  Can meditation replace allopathic medication?  I believe sometimes intensive allopathic medicines are needed.

On to DF.  He celebrated his 69th birthday yesterday alone.  At this time, isolation is recomended, so I did not feel bad, but I was concerned that he was alone.  He seems to not want to engage in socializing / service.  I was happy that his psychiatrist recommended he just continue with outpatient visits.  He seems to be in a better place now, but I feel that we all need some form of community.  I hope he can find a community of some sort.

In regards to silence, I'm uncertain what the goal is any longer.  I struggle with the physiological pain and this makes me want to stay in action.  I believe the pain in psysho-somatic and I'm unable to overcome it.  I simply have to make peace with it, but I feel better staying very busy.  The busier I am, the better I feel.  I believe this is why I'm willing to risk my life in the service of others.

Life is difficult.  The first sentence of The Road Less Traveled.  I feel grateful to have visited with an enlightened master in this lifetime.  Regardless of whether I live / die through this epidemic, I hope people will be able to turn inwards and dwell on something else besides the pandemic.

May our minds feel free and may we find some silence through this.

In devotion to Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.

Love & Jai Guru Deva,

An Aspiring Yogi

Getting Busy

Getting Busy

I feel as though my mind is filling up or busier.  I have been filling my day with so many activities and resolving existing responsibilities.  Today, for example, I had to take care of: 

1) paying off my credit cards from December 2019

2) checking to see if my final car payoff cleared the bank

3) working with the seller's realtor and my client on terminating a contract on a client's home purchase

4) working with a collision center on fixing one of my hybrid rental vehicles

5) meeting with my yoga studio manager on how my yoga classes are going

6) fixing my toe injury via my PCP and PT, podiatrist, etc.  The HMO is giving me the run around

7) taking the time to workout

8) taking the time to do a group relational meditation

9) checking in on friends and family 

10) following up on a dear friend's father in the hospital

The list goes on...the point is, I feel like my life is getting busier even though my life does not feel fuller.  Does that make sense?  Even though I'm teaching yoga full-time, I still don't feel like it's enough...like there is something missing.  Everytime I sit for sadhana, it's a painful endeavor.  I don't feel like it's time to turn inwards.  The longer I'm in this state of mind, the more I realize it may be time to move on with life...do you ever feel stagnant just being?  For as busy as I am, I begin to feel like it may be time for me to start the next chapter in my life...whatever that is.

I wonder if a full-time job, a home, a dog, &/ a romantic partner may make me happy.  I feel that this is selfish and that I need to be of service to others, but I feel like I'm unable to find a community / purpose to serve.  I feel far on the outside of The Art of Living.  Everytime I attempt to come close, I end up in mental / physical pain.  So I'm left with the question of what to do to better serve mankind, to help others, to become a selfless servant to others, to do his work.  

I feel that my mind oscillates between dharma and worldly life.  I look forward to the time when I can re-engage my spiritual path 100% and feel like I'm back to my single pointed focus on the divine.  For now, I feel like I'm simply trying to swim and not drown.

Left wondering...

An Aspiring Yogi.

On Money

I met with one of the founders of Door Dash today.  He sold his company and likely walked away with a multimillion dollar profit.  He has gone on to start a property management company and is doing tremendously well.  He's very successful and is backed by the likes of Vinod Khosla and other major venture capitalists.  We met today and we had an intense discussion and he asked me several times what I wanted. 

Before I get to that, we had some small talk and then he laid into me and I did the same on the way back.  His sales rep was pissed because she realized she wasn't getting the sale.  We went back and forth with an intensity I haven't felt in a while.  The room felt cold and I felt like I was in a bar...somewhere I wasn't supposed to be.  He was really hung over from their 1 year anniversary party  the night before and I actually respected his honesty and success.  He was blunt and disrespectful at times, but really got to the point.  The one thing that remains in my mind is that he felt that his time was worth more than mine.  Anyone who believes that is disillusioned.  My time belongs to those less fortunate. 

My time belongs to those less fortunate.  He asked what I wanted about three times.  I answered, "freedom."  Carly, his sales rep, interjected, what does that mean?  I wasn't able to get many words in, but I did see that more than anything, it's Kaivalya...freedom from the worldly entrapments that bond us.  I felt a longing to hustle and do business, to be a part of his team and make money, but at a superficial level.  Deep down inside, I realized I want freedom, to be a yogi, to walk this Earth with awareness and grace, with honor and respect, with humility and to find my true self.  All of these worldly things mean nothing in the face of truth.

No amount of money can make up for truth.  Ask a sanit or a sadhu if he would trade his freedom for $100M and he would definitively say No. 

I was asked to leave within an hour and I parted ways after telling the founder that his website was shit.  He had many listings / vacancies and I shared that this looked bad vs. his competition.  He asked me to simply leave.  I was humbled at that moment, but feel honored now that I write about it.

In this moment, I realized though, that the intensity of that moment brought about silence in the next.  When I walked out of that room I felt a sense of peace and silence.  That silence is what we're after. 

The beauty is in the silence between words, between thoughts.  I had a professor that once said, I paraphrase, pay attention to the silence between the words.  The silence is what we're after.  I believe freedom is in experiencing bliss and Ananda, while helping those less fortunate. 

Swami Brahmananda Saraswati spent 70 years in silence and isolation in the Himalayas.  During this time, he likely mastered silence and experienced great bliss in samadhi.  Self-realization, samadhi, enlightenment is the goal. 

Why do we suffer so much on the path to awakening, to freedom, to liberation, to moksha?  I have heard that the path is very difficult, but did not realize this truth until recently.  Over the past few years, this path has become very difficult, but I keep running away from 100% devotion to his work.

I am unsure what to do in this life, of what to do in this moment.  What I do know is that I will find a way, in the present moment.

With honor and respect, faith and grace.  I humbly surrender to something greater than this / that. 

In surrender to this great unknown,

An Aspiring Yogi.