So Off Track

 During a pandemic, started shopping for new cars...

Instead of serving others, thinking about and even shopping for cars.

Instead of preventitive measures, going out and test driving vehicles.

People are dying.  POTUS has COVID.  People are isolated and think about the people that have lost loved ones...1M dead worldwide, 200k in the US.  People are sick...and you're thinking about a stupid car you don't need.  What happened?  How did you get so off track?

Focus on helping others.  Think about those you can support / help.  Think about people that are in need / may need a friend / support.  Think of those alone.  

Where are we as a people?  How is it that China was able to come together and isolate and cure their entire country...why can't we do the same?

After looking at the numbers, I came to the conclusion to simply live your life with precaution...use a face mask, face shield, and gloves.  Socially distance and wash hands often.  Be smart.  No large groups / gatherings.  Take care of people...live your life with balance...keep one foot on the ground.

As for car shopping...you were helping a parent and there will be more to come tomorrow.  Let the pandemic pass until you continue car shopping...their needs are met right now.  Focus on needs vs. wants.  What responsibilities can we take on right now?

An Aspiring Yogi.

The Social Dilemma

 Blog Entry 09/30/2020

Day 7 of my internet and social media technology fast

I am on Day 7 evening of my week long technology fast.  After watching a Netflix Documentary on the addictive effects of the internet and social media, I decided to take a week off from the internet.  I want to document my experiences here and share what insight I had.

The greatest impact was equanimity and peace of mind.  On the first day, I felt like I really had to push through a barrier and just sit with myself.  I was so used to escaping my thoughts, negative emotions, and general discomfort with myself by watching movies on Netflix and Amazon Prime.  I decided to just sit in my desk chair with the lights off and be with the discomfort.  The discomfort surprisingly quickly faded away.  I still felt great discomfort at times, but I told myself that it was possible to push through this and be free of the constant need for distraction, movies, emails, social media, &/ the internet.

I spent a lot of times with negative thoughts, with depressing thoughts about others, about loved ones, and friends.  I eventually found silence within a few days.  By the final day, I actually felt like my mind was drifting  and I actually missed teaching my yoga class on Day 7.  I caught myself at times having superficial &/ comedic thoughts and realized that these thoughts are not my nature.  I felt as though I was projecting a superficial version of myself at times.  I know I can maintain a state of equanimity and peace.  

I began doing more Japa and found peace in chanting Om Nama Shivaya.  On Day 7, I actually did yoga twice in one day, worked on a project I had been delaying for some time, and had even completed the finishing touches on my parents backyard and garden.  I really enjoyed the time away from technology.  Most importantly, I enjoyed simply being with myself in greater silence.  I realize that with less technology, we have more time to serve others and the community.  We have more time to connect with friends and family.  We have more patience and are better listeners.  We are more patient with ourselves.  I literally moved slower this past week.  I relaxed more.  I felt more clarity of mind and even relaxed eyes.  The greatest gift was my ability to really connect sincerely and authentically with others.  I was actually able to get a friend of mine, a yoga student, to help another friend of mine, a fellow PT patient, in need.  How cool is that?

I think we have to balance technology and social media.  I would like to do another experiment with being free of my phone for a week, but feel that I would rather help people and connect with them.  Maybe one day in the future, I will go into silence again.  I have been in up to 10 days of silence, and it’s powerful.  There are so many levels to silence.  The most basic is keeping your lips closed, but the most powerful is slowing the thoughts.  How do we get this mind into deep silence?

I hope to adapt a lifestyle free of movies and TV shows, of the need to find comfort and relaxation in watching something.  I think there is a much deeper relaxation in simply being with yourself.  When the walls cave in, can we simply be still and look up at the stars?  

With a renewed and inspired spirit,

An Aspiring Yogi.

Groundhog Day

 Blog Entry 09/26/20

Groundhog Day

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to abide in infinity?  Imagine if this day were to repeat exactly the same way ever single day?  Externally, not much changes, but internally, how we deal with infinity can and must change dramatically.  Bill Murray, the main character, experiences this and even sees what is going to happen before it happens.  He becomes so accustomed to the outside environment, that he naturally turns inwards and even says that he’s abiding in infinity.  How do stop pursuing constant change externally so we can pursue pratayahara, or turning inwards?

How do we find contentment in this moment right now, completely abiding in right now.  Bill Murray goes on to pursue pleasure, wealth, & even love, before ultimately finding his dharma in selflessly serving others and witnessing the world come to him.  

Sri Sri says that when we stop chasing after our small minded worldly desires, the world starts chasing after us.  How do we become so selfless that we completely drop the “I, me, & my” & truly makes others a complete priority.  How do we make the concept a reality?

At the end of the movie, Bill Murray, spends his  entire day helping others and even coming to peace at the death of an elderly gentlemen.  He beautifully learns and shares his talent on the piano and takes on so much responsibility to constantly help others in his community.  His sense of belongingness expands well beyond his own life, his own desires, his own small mind.  Ultimately he finds his way out of the repetition of his day, like finding Mauna out of the repetition of Japa.  He finds dharma, his life purpose, or “the art of living.”

At a Crossroads

 I'm wondering what to do next.  I have to leave where I am and I am unsure of what to do next.

I have a few options:

1) Move to Austin

If I moved to Austin, I would end up renting a 1/1 or remodeling Balaji and Radhika's place.  I would continue to teach yoga online and simply workout every day.  I would go for a 5 to 10 mile walk / day and workout in my apartment.  I would end up buying a bed and a couch.  I may get this from my sister's house.  I would likely simply teach yoga a few times / more / week.  I may get into real estate and broker a few deals here and there until I feel comfortable going back into yoga studios.  I still feel restricted about dating and not sure I would, but would like to meet Rebecca and Daljinder in Austin among other friends.  Would be nice to meet Paresh and Melody too.  I could help Doug as well and meet Rachel.  I am honestly, still uncomfortable meeting people face to face, so would likely spend a LOT of time alone.  I may get back into Turo and maybe manage a few of the Lexus hybrids.  This would last for another 9 months.

2) Head to India

My second option is to move to Rishikesh and live with Shivani at Aloha on the Ganges.  If she ends up dating that psychiatrist, then I would likely find a 1/1 or 2/2 in the same building.  I would eventually shift to the AOL / Parmarth Niketan Ashram and do full-time seva there.  I would likely feel isolated there too as the pandemic is still growing in India.  I would feel uncomfortable with the journey and may easily risk getting sick through air travel, airports, taxi service, and eventually reaching India.  I would likely feel very lonely and isolated there as I would only know some ashramites and Shivani.

3)  Seva Study Program in CA.

The third option is to head to the Yoga Farm in Northen California.  I would quarantine for 14 days and then get more involved in day-to-day full-time seva duties.  I would likely build relationships with the other ashramites and work hard.  I would love to be there and help and would feel a deeper sense of purpose vs. living in Austin.  I would build relationships and feel like I'm living my purpose, or dharma.  I would stay busy and also get to know and live in California.  I would likely work and do seva and do some sadhana as well.  I would get permission to do Sudarshan Kriya on a daily basis and meditate with the group when possible.  I would feel like I have people around me and feel comforted by the sangha.  My only fear is that this option may lead to severe pain in the body.  I would have the comfort of sangha, which may help me through any difficulties there.  I would likely benefit from being with others a lot.  I would not feel isolated or alone.  I feel that this is likely my best option.  If the opportunity presents itself, I could shift to the Boone Ashram / Bangalore Ashram / Virginia Ashram in the spring.  I would also have more ashram experience and time under my belt improving my chances of getting full-time seva somewhere else.  

The Door of Maya

 

I had just finished a few rounds of Om Nama Shivaya Japa and I looked out the window.  I saw the hallway light's outline of the bedroom door in the reflection of the window.  What does this door, that appears in the mind's eyes to exist, but does not.  Isn't that like most of life?  We are chasing after goals and dreams and worried about what does not exist, and rarely are we present to this moment realizing that the future does not exist right now.  We are looking out the window into the future, concerned about some event that does not exist...so far away from the reality of this moment.  Our minds are dreaming of some time after now or after I do this or after this happens constantly robbing ourselves of right now.  We rarely seem to abide in now.  Why is that?  Why can we not abide in the present moment?  What's so glorious about the past / future?  I catch myself in this maya, this nonexistent moment.  I am often looking out the glass window at some door that does not exist; some moment that does not exist right now, instead of abiding in God's room, quite literally.  We have a room with a Mandir (Indian temple) and I like to do my sadhana in it.  How can we be in complete contentment in this moment?  We seem to be ever chasing after this imaginary door, as if some future moment will be better than right now.  If we do this, than I'll be happy.  If I work on something, than I will be happy.  If this, then that.  We will spend our whole lives chasing after some moment that does not exist...it's nuts!  And then...we die and most people are so scared to die.  I wonder why do we spend our whole lives wondering about some door that does not exist in certain fear of a moment that does not exist for now?!?  How funny is that?  We are everywhere but here right now.  As beautiful as that door is, and as beautiful as the wonder of opening that door, can we simply be contented abiding in God's room?  He's with us all the time.  He's right here, right now, but we keep mumbling to ourselves and keep running on some nonexistent hamster wheel...that literally goes nowhere, but we seem to keep striving, never really simply abiding in the nonchanging truth.  I believe this nonchanging truth begins with deep silence.  I imagine many people spend their whole life hoping to open the door, never realizing that the door does not exist outside in front of their eyes, but deep within their own essence, within themselves, completely devoid of all worldly pursuits.  Buddha was said to have been enticed in every way before he became enlightened.  He almost died and in that near death he must have experienced silence.  He found his way of defending himself from life's cravings and aversions.  He found his truth, his essence.  He stopped looking at the door that doesn't exist and turned inwards.

A New Car / Partner?

I feel an overwhelming sense of desire / hankering for some material good.  I keep looking at cars...I am unsure why I keep looking at something that I have replaced over and over again with insatiable desire.  These cars are like women.  You keep pursuing someone, you date them, get into a relationship with them, and then at some point, for whatever reason, the relationship ends, whether as boyfriend / girlfriend or man and wife.  The divorce rate is 50% in the US with 75% of children raised by single parent households.  Cars for Americans have become like their love life...we seem to change them a little too often.  Why?  What craving / desire / lust do we have that seems insatiable?  What is wrong with the beautiful, caring, reliable, attractive, loyal, and authentic vehicle that I drive now?  What’s funny is that you could say this for a partner.  What craving / desire keeps on arising?  Is there someone more attractive, someone that I’ll get along better with?  Is there someone that I’ll fight less with?  Is there someone with lower miles, more reliable, less major breakdowns, less maintenance?  As the saying goes, is she low maintenance / high maintenance?  Will I look better dating someone else?  Will I look / feel better driving another vehicle?  Why can’t we simply “row this boat we’ve chosen?”  Why do I look at women / cars?  I’ve accumulated so many impressions driving different vehicles and dating different women...which is it?  They both represent some ongoing desire that never ends...how do we become content?  Is the answer no partner, no vehicle?  Or is the answer in simply becoming full contented with what you have, who you are with?  How do we move from, this sense of craving, to contentment / santosha?  Why did I break up with my last girlfriend that I was with?  She was gorgeous, well educated, came from a good family, we got along great.  She thought our debates were fights...I had no idea we even fought.  I loved her so much, but for reason, I could not commit.  In the same sense, why is that we keep changing vehicles, homes, jobs, gurus, furniture, partners, etc.?  As Sri Sri Ravi Shankar, my Guru, said, “the mind wants something new, and the heart wants something old.”  How do we move from head to heart.  My Guru also says to work from the head and serve from the heart.  If we are to make our life as service to others, how do we abide in our hearts.  How do we become love.  How do we love people?  How do we serve them?  My favorite quote from Sri Sri, is “Give and give and give love.”  Seems easier said than done...I think he says it three times because we need to listen to it over and over and over again... 

Twisted Growth

I saw this tree on my walk a few days ago and thought about our growth as human beings.  The trunk of this tree seemed so twisted over so many years, yet appeared so beautiful in it's vast glory.  As the trunk seemed twisted, I realized the trunk still appeared straight; as though life had over several decades, taken the water out of a towel, or taken the learning out of the learned.  How do we empty our minds?  This trunk seemed to visualize the mind emptying over so many decades.  In the process of emptying, the trunk became hardened and the trunk appeared so strong and firm, able to hold the resulting massive branches and canopy that the tree carried.  This tree, as an adult over time, provided so much shade to the earth around her.

Imagine the years of growth and the shade that this tree provided(s).  The tree had such beautiful branches and leaves, with no sign of discontent.  The massive growth that occured from the trunk and the vast amount of shade that the branches provide is beautiful.  How do we provide shade and comfort to others?  How do we become lighthouses and beacons of hope for others?  How do we become so still, so firmly rooted in ourselves, that we become solid as a rock, even as our growth is twisted and hardened by years of life?

In this picture, we still are unable to truly see the vast and infinite nature of this live oak tree.  Here we can see a view of the whole tree, but do we really see it?

Here's a more comprehensive view of this tree.  You see the tree end-to-end, but do you really see the tree?  No, you only see what your mind perceives.  Your limited, small mind, only sees what is above the earth.  Do you see that this tree nourishes and takes care of so many other trees around it?  Underground?  Do you see the vast network of nodes and life underneath the earth?  Do you see the nurturing and development of other life deep under the surface of the earth?  The beauty and magic of the infinite is unseen, and cannot be fathomed or comprehended by our small minds...I can't even imagine what is really happening in concsiousness, but I imagine that this consciousness is molding life to improve, to serve, to be of selfless service to others.





I leave this space here to represent what's unseen...the truth, I believe, is far beyond comprehension...

In Love and Service,

Jai Guru Deva.

An Aspiring Yogi.

Frustrations on Unsolicited Advice

Why do we get so frustrated with unsolicited advice?  Why is that I get frustrated with my parents and my sister giving advice?  I get tired of listening to people telling me what I should do / need to do.  I feel that I find getting help when I ask for it to be helpful, but receiving unsolicited advice is taxing on the mind for some reason.  I get tired listening to someone telling me what does not necessarily resonate with the mind.  I also get tired from intermittent pain.  I can only imagine / feel compassion for the amount of pain that my father feels.  He's a strong man for perservering.  I hope he is able to better manage his pain over time / overcome it completely. 

I think when we talk about ourselves, we attract unwanted attention within our own thoughts / in the world.  I feel a sense of exhaustion when my parents / others talk to me about me.  Sri Sri Ravi Shankar says that the quickest way to get depressed is to sit and think about ourselves and say, "what about me, what about me, what about me."  He's so right...this is the quickest way to depression!  The quickest way out is sadhana &/ selfless service to others.  These seem to be the best ways...

I wonder if I'm burned out...I know people experience worldly career &/ life burnout.  I wonder if people experience spiritual burnout.  If people simply get burned out on the spiritual path.  I sense that I would like to take a year / two or more to be normal again.  I think I put too much effort and thought into spirituality.  I don't know how to really relax anymore.  I find some peace in nature, but not sure what else to do.

I find abiding in nature seems to be the most healing. 

Lots of love to others,

An Aspiring Yogi.

On Life

I witness daily life and wonder...is this it?  How do we become more selfless and help others and drop this small mind's thoughts of I, me / my.  I see my parents and wonder about how their daily life is filled with repetition.  They seem happy and their main concern is health, but I feel as though there is more.  I have a dear friend around their age, a tad bit younger, and he's thoroughly miserable and alone.  Makes you wonder.  On the one hand there's a sense of daily ritual at some level of contentment and at another level there's this loneliness and isolation in misery.  In either circumstance, one dies alone, relatively speaking.  How do we create a full life of selfless service, harmony, and creating joy for others?  ...but the small mind says, "while maintaing some sense of self."  This small minded ego still yearns for relevance and identity.  How do we surrender this ego and dissolve in absolute nothing...how do five guys / sadhus live at a temple and cease to exist?  This paradox of dissolving seems very difficult, kind of like in that movie Peaceful Warrior, when the main actor, Dan Millman, let's go of himself when he's at the top of some monument.

How do we dissolve?  How do we let go?  How do simply be present? 

In all this world's strife, amidst the world's pandemic / epidemic, people are asked to shelter in place, people are sick and dying, and we still have police brutality and demonstrations, peaceful protests, and then violent riots.  How do we stop?  How do we, as a country, become still.  How do we become human beings.  Being is the most difficult thing.  Life seems easier when doing, but near impossible in being.

Seems like the happiest people, as they age, as seniors, seem to have developed life-long friendships and social circles, seem to live this life with belongingness and connectedness, with a sense of valuing relationships:  friends, life-partner(s), children, colleagues, family, community.  This belongingness seems a little contradictory to Sannyasi...makes you wonder.

Feeling Done

I have finally reached this place where I feel smaller in prayer, Japa, yoga, and any other form of sadhana.  I wish for my spiritual journey to completely end.  I feel as though this journey will lead to suicide.  I hope that this time will end and I will pursue this in my next life.  I am truly done.  I would love to find a full-time career and find a romantic partner or wife.  I have felt deeply tortured and miserable thinking about God and realized I am not spiritually right at this time.  I gave my 100% and would prefer to remain alive vs. committing suicide chasing after enlightenment.  Suicide is worse than chasing after God.  Better to remain alive and live a worldly life and serve others vs. end this life.  I hope I will be left alone to live a normal life.  I beg of God to please stop torturing me.  I am miserable because of the torture.  I do bounce back, but I don’t want to keep going this low after these torture sessions.  I beg of God & guru, please let me lead a normal worldly life.  I promise to walk away from my spirit ambition & path.  Please help me be free of this.  Let me be worldly.

On Professionalism

I had an interview today with a major industry leader.  I had a panel interview and I think it went well.  I enjoyed meeting the folks, but deep down inside, something did not feel right.  I did not feel like I was pursuing my dharma.  Something deep inside me feels like there is something else I should be doing with this lifetime.  I feel like our time is so short.  We are here for maybe 40, 50, 100 years.  This time can fly by.  There's a doctor from Hawaii who once said, that we have a mortgage on our soul and we spend our whole lifetime paying it back.  He says that most people live their life paying off this mortgage and they keep on manipulating data.  We can spend an entire lifetime in data analysis.  This is a metaphor for a rambling mind, a mind that deals with a steady stream of thoughts vs. the thoughtless state of samadhi / simply put, nothing.  How do we achieve this state of silence?  Why is it that almost all of us spend our lifetimes chasing after everything on the outside, but ignore the inner essence of our mind.  Why is it that we keep on buying a bigger house?  This bigger house translates to professional promotions, career aspirations, jobs, investments, partners, the perfect body, even better relationships with family and friends.  This seems to all prevent us from paying off our home.  Why?  I'm so frustrated by this constant mortgage...why is it that we keep on chasing after something when our ultimate goal is nothing???  Is this the nature of our small mind?  I'm unsure how to convince my own small mind to pursue silence.  I know deep down inside the answer lies in silence.  I also know the answer lies in selfless service, but I somehow keep ending up chasing after something and I'm not sure why.  I feel like I'm reitering this point...why are we here?  Why is there insincerity and insecurity.  Why is there this constant quest to achieve something when the goal is nothing.  I believe my teacher says we have to go through three steps to enlightenment:  1) something, 2) nothing, and 3) everything.  I'm at a loss why I'm here...but I feel like it's a crossroads.  Do I keep on dealing with this inner frustration and see it through, or do I "fill up."  Time will tell.  May we simply be present to this moment and get lost in the service of others. 

Seeking silence. 

Love & Jai Guru Deva,

An Aspiring Yogi.

Dharma at Risk

Dharma at Risk

I have decided to continue working in two psychiatric hospitals as a yoga therapist as the state of Texas has not issued a stay-at-home order.  I have been teaching online yoga classes from the yoga studios.  Two of the yoga studios that I teach at have closed.  I have been in so much pain recently that I made the conscious decision to risk my life in the service of others.  I believe that serving others in a hospital environment is a better way to risk your life than attempting anything else.  I am not afraid to die and would welcome death if it's in the service of others.  I believe I am making a significant life saving impact when I offer yoga and meditation to inpatients and outpatients.  I pause though as I'm willing to drop everything as a non-essential hospital employee and be with my parents if a stay-at-home order is issued in Austin / Texas.  I wonder though if I would be of any value to my parents.  I still feel obliged to teach here in Austin.  Ultimately, if stay-at-home is ordered, I'll stop working all jobs and just do what I can online from my folks house.  I believe I'm safe for now, though you never know...

On to others.  I spent some time with DN today.  She was recently dumped by the guy she was dating.  I felt bad for her and I know she is saddened by the break-up.  She came over and I made chai for her and we went to Rada Madhav Dham.  We attended Arti and we meditated there.  The environment was serene and I enjoyed being reminded of Lord Krishna and Swamiji.  I remember his warmth and peace.  I remember that what he offers is peace.  Radhe Radhe.  I know my path is different, but still enjoy thinking about Lord Krishna and Swamiji's path.  I still remember our first meeting in 1995 and how he was so calm when I told him I was an Atheist at that time.  I wonder if he had seen something I did not.  I wonder if it matters.  I wonder what we are to be a witness to and what to take action on in life.  As we witness / gain insight / intuition into others, are we to be a witness to this / do we help support / potentially change the outcome to improve another's life.  I believe the effect depends upon the circumstance.  I would hope to inspire positive change to improve others lives. 

Regarding RT, I hope she will make it to Tuesday's outpatient visit.  I think she has some deep seated challenges to work through.  I believe outpatient therapy can help her, but wonder what change she could benefit from through the spiritual path.  What's the right balance between spirituality and allopathic psychiatric medicines?  Can meditation replace allopathic medication?  I believe sometimes intensive allopathic medicines are needed.

On to DF.  He celebrated his 69th birthday yesterday alone.  At this time, isolation is recomended, so I did not feel bad, but I was concerned that he was alone.  He seems to not want to engage in socializing / service.  I was happy that his psychiatrist recommended he just continue with outpatient visits.  He seems to be in a better place now, but I feel that we all need some form of community.  I hope he can find a community of some sort.

In regards to silence, I'm uncertain what the goal is any longer.  I struggle with the physiological pain and this makes me want to stay in action.  I believe the pain in psysho-somatic and I'm unable to overcome it.  I simply have to make peace with it, but I feel better staying very busy.  The busier I am, the better I feel.  I believe this is why I'm willing to risk my life in the service of others.

Life is difficult.  The first sentence of The Road Less Traveled.  I feel grateful to have visited with an enlightened master in this lifetime.  Regardless of whether I live / die through this epidemic, I hope people will be able to turn inwards and dwell on something else besides the pandemic.

May our minds feel free and may we find some silence through this.

In devotion to Sri Sri Ravi Shankar.

Love & Jai Guru Deva,

An Aspiring Yogi

Getting Busy

Getting Busy

I feel as though my mind is filling up or busier.  I have been filling my day with so many activities and resolving existing responsibilities.  Today, for example, I had to take care of: 

1) paying off my credit cards from December 2019

2) checking to see if my final car payoff cleared the bank

3) working with the seller's realtor and my client on terminating a contract on a client's home purchase

4) working with a collision center on fixing one of my hybrid rental vehicles

5) meeting with my yoga studio manager on how my yoga classes are going

6) fixing my toe injury via my PCP and PT, podiatrist, etc.  The HMO is giving me the run around

7) taking the time to workout

8) taking the time to do a group relational meditation

9) checking in on friends and family 

10) following up on a dear friend's father in the hospital

The list goes on...the point is, I feel like my life is getting busier even though my life does not feel fuller.  Does that make sense?  Even though I'm teaching yoga full-time, I still don't feel like it's enough...like there is something missing.  Everytime I sit for sadhana, it's a painful endeavor.  I don't feel like it's time to turn inwards.  The longer I'm in this state of mind, the more I realize it may be time to move on with life...do you ever feel stagnant just being?  For as busy as I am, I begin to feel like it may be time for me to start the next chapter in my life...whatever that is.

I wonder if a full-time job, a home, a dog, &/ a romantic partner may make me happy.  I feel that this is selfish and that I need to be of service to others, but I feel like I'm unable to find a community / purpose to serve.  I feel far on the outside of The Art of Living.  Everytime I attempt to come close, I end up in mental / physical pain.  So I'm left with the question of what to do to better serve mankind, to help others, to become a selfless servant to others, to do his work.  

I feel that my mind oscillates between dharma and worldly life.  I look forward to the time when I can re-engage my spiritual path 100% and feel like I'm back to my single pointed focus on the divine.  For now, I feel like I'm simply trying to swim and not drown.

Left wondering...

An Aspiring Yogi.